My Old Flame

So Saturday I went to a Natural History Museum with my little nieces and the rest of my family. I wasn't looking particulary fetching, because hey I'm hanging out with my family and kids and I don't have to impress them. Also it was snowing that day so my hair had gotten wet and kind of wigged out, oh and to top it all off I had a big red blotchy zit right in the center of my face. Anyway, who, who of all people did I turn around and see right next me? This guy I had really liked and gone out with a long time ago and haven't seen since! He was all excited to see me and then what ensured was awkward indeed. I struck my hand out for a handshake, he shook it and then went in for a hug, which I went the wrong way on and it was just weird and it didn't help matters any that my Dad was standing right next to me too. So then we had this awkward conversation, because what do you really talk about with someone that you don't really know anymore. And then that was it and the rest of the time at the museum I tried to avoid him and his pretty wife and their two little boys.

This has been a fear of mine for awhile, not a huge fear, but somewhere in the back of mind there is this thought whenever I go out that I could run into someone I don't want to run into at precisely the time I don't want to run into them. In this case it was running into an old flame when I was looking awful. And this thought creeps into my mind that he is thinking, "Phew, I'm glad I didn't end up with this girl." How come you never run into people like this when you're looking stunning and feeling uber confident. Oh well now that's done with, I don't have to worry about running into him because I already have, unto the next old flame, but this next time I'll be prepared.

A Blog by any other name...

So I'm thinking of changing the title of my blog. Not the address, lest people not know where to find me, but just the title. I want something a little more unique and clever (or maybe just funnier) than what I have now. So does anyone out there have any ideas?

I was thinking about changing the name to "The Spinster 'Hood". Oh course then my friend pointed out that it sounded too much like "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" and would feel like it needed an ending. I then suggested "The Spinsterhood of the Wandering Uterus" (Supposedly in the old days all sorts of maladies were said to be caused by a wandering uterus. Jenn did you first tell me about this? Anyway...), but then I decided I would get google hits from people not wanting to find out about spinster issues, so I nixed that idea.

My friend suggested "Spinsterology: the study of all things spinsteral." We got a good laugh out of that and thought it would be fun. What do all y'all think?

Groceries for One

I made a mistake grocery shopping the other day. I usually like grocery shopping. I like to look for deals and interesting foods that I've never seen before, but on this day I did not like shopping. I had decided instead of getting a huge cart that I didn't need or carrying around a basket that was too small, I would get one of those smaller carts that are about a third the size of regular shopping carts. That was my mistake because as soon as I started using it I felt this huge stigma of singleness fall over me. I felt like I was carrying a big neon sign that said single and alone. Who knew that a grocery cart could have such connotations, but every person I saw in the store with a similar cart looked like a middle aged divorcee or at least very single.

I know this sounds silly, but sometimes I like a certain degree of anonymity when it comes to my single status. And really I'm not the only one. What single person likes to go to a sit down dinner by themselves and then catch a movie by themselves? I mean they will eat dinner and watch a movie alone at home, but they won't do this in public, right? I actually did this once a few years ago, just as an experiment to see how it would feel. I went to a sit down Middle Eastern restaurant all by myself and ordered a meal and ate it alone. It was a tad awkward, but mostly it was just boring. I hadn't brought anything to read so I just kind of sat there. I think the waitress did give me a few odd looks. Then I went to a movie at the theater by myself. Once the lights were turned off and the movie started it really felt like no big deal. Actually in truth my night on the town by myself didn't feel any weirder or more awkward than pushing that little grocery cart around Smith's. Isn't that funny?


The cart in question

I think there are actually a lot of things, big and small, that make us remember our singleness and not in a good way. Another small thing is sleeping in a twin bed. Yes, I still sleep in a twin bed because I have a small bedroom and yes it does make me feel like a freshman in college, and not in a good way. The big things are holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving. Let me tell you that having only one sibling makes it uber weird and boring at Christmas when she goes to her in-laws house instead of ours. It's just me and my parents. That is really when I miss not having a husband and kids. Oh well what can you do? Hate Christmas? Of course not. Does anyone out there have anything that makes them feel particularly single and if so what is your remedy?

I need a housewife/husband/person

So I've decided one of the hardest things about being a single person is you have to do everything by and for yourself. There is no one there to pick up the slack. Not only do you have to work 40 hours a week to support yourself (or in my case go to school fulltime and have a part-time job and barely support myself), you also have to do all your own housework, laundry, pay all your bills, do outdoor chores, take care of your car, do all your own shopping and prepare all your own meals. You also have to worry about insurance, taxes, investing, saving and retirement all by yourself. It's a lot to do and it's exhausting. I think I understand why people really get married, it's to divide up the work that has to be done.

Plus who is there to look out for you and make sure you eat well or exercise or go to the dentist every 6 months? The other week I was eating terribly-like pizza and ramen noodles, etc. every night and I just thought wow, I wish I had someone to encourage me to take better care of myself. I mean you still probably have your parents. But they can and should only do so much. And your roommates, while a support, have their single selves to look after as well. Although it always is nice when you can pool your resources and make a dinner together or everyone pitches in on the housework.

But anyway, I think the reason why statistically married people live longer is they have that spouse looking out for them. Oh well, maybe one day I'll make some money and I can hire someone to help me out. But until then I will be harried and overworked or in a constant state of chaos or both. Good times!

Il Partner Ideale

So the other night my roommates and I were sitting around chatting and we came up with a little game. We would all make predictions about the other's future spouses and how we would meet them. It was really like telling bedtime stories and we definitely took artistic license with them. One of the proposals involved trained dolphins giving my roommate her engagement ring and one of the marriages involved getting married on the back of elephants in India. But we decided that all of our dream guys would be converts to the church.

So why would we all rather be married to converts than to men born and bred in the church? Well, no offense to all those sweet wonderful lifetime member guys, but the majority of lifers are ruining it for you! My roommates and I were pretty much in agreement that LDS guys can be very shallow and superficial, more so than many non-member men we have known! Why is this? As members shouldn't they have learned humility and charity and to look on people as God's children? I guess maybe they have assumed that these qualities don't extend to dating and finding a wife.

It seems to me that too many of the LDS guys I meet are really just interesting in dating overly made up, overly flirty young girls. Guys come on, look for some depth of character, try to really get to know some different kinds of girls instead of beelining it for the flashy ones. The truth is I have had more non-member guys interested in me than member guys. I dont' know if this mainly applys to Utah guys or if others out of state have noticed this same trend, but please let me know why this is.

Socrates and so forth...

It was Socrates who said:

If all our misfortunes were laid in one common heap whence everyone must take an equal portion, most people would be contented to take their own and depart.

I believe this is pretty much true. As humans I think we tend to peek into other windows and feel like they live much better lives than we do. But this isn't really true, everyone has struggles and trials. We also tend to think that if we could get a different job, move to a different place, get married or make lots more money that we would be much much happier. But these cases aren't neccessarily true either. There are many trials and misfortunes that a person can experience in life: death of loved ones, trials of faith, abuse of various kinds, physical disabilities, infidelity, divorce, to a watch loved one make dreadful mistakes, an inability to have children, poverty and financial hardship, and many others. With all of these struggles that I could be going through at this time, I glad the only one I'm facing now is the trial of being unmarried and the accompanying loneliness that comes with it. Although my plan was to be married by now, things could be worse. And even if I were married, it doesn't mean that I couldn't still have times of loneliness, feelings of inadequacy and sadness.

I guess what I am getting at here is that I really can't think woe is me, I've got to find that silver lining that is always there. I think what I need to do for now is serve more. Get my mind off me and help others that are going through rough times. And I've got to work on my faith and believing that things will work out for the best one day, because Heavenly Father does ultimately have our best interests in mind or he would never have let us go through so many hard times.

I'm just starting to read a book that was recently published. It was written by a former spinster, Kristen M. Oaks and is titled A Single Voice. I hope it will be enlightening or really just comforting. Sometimes it's nice to know that you're not blazing your own trail all the time, but that other people have been through what you are going through. Anyway, I will for sure let you know what I think of it. That's all for now.
-SITC

Everybody Needs a Plan B (although I could use a Plan G!)

I've got some good ideas for a few new posts so keep checking back in the next week or so. But first in response to my nunnery post, my friend sent me a great story about the ideas she and her friends had come up with about their own spinster commune. They have some great ideas, I especially like the one about having a patron to fund the whole thing. So without further ado here is Plan B.

"Ok, so Plan B.
First you have to realize that this was cooked up in the mind of me and my high-school friends who really had nothing better to do with our time.

I think you'll appreciate it though, since it relates to your whole nun topic.

So, to explain. To every one of us, in some form or other, about the same thing had happened: we had gotten the "talk" from a guy that we liked but apparently didn't like us back in that way. You know, the talk that goes something like this:
Guy: You are so great.
Girl: I think you're great too.
Guy: I feel so close to you. You're like a sister to me.
Read: There is no chance ever that we will get together in a romantic way.

So one of my friends had recently gotten that talk from a guy and he actually told her that he thought of her as sort of a secular nun. Meaning, I guess, that he envisioned her as celibate, but not Catholic. Which of course meant that he couldn't see getting together with her.

So all of this spawned an "order" of sorts where we called ourselves the Secular Nuns. And in planning for our future, Plan B was born. Basically it was something that we liked to fantasize about because, again, we had nothing better to do with our time. But I guess it's a way of talking about our fears without really going off the deep end. The secular nuns always planned on wearing fabulous prom dresses as their habits, of course. No blah habits for us.

So the plan is this: our friend T always wanted to be a doctor (which she is now, by the way) and doctors make a lot of money, right? So we figured that if none of us got married, we would just live together in a big house and that was Plan B. It's not unlike your idea of getting together and sharing a place. Here are some of the details:
-- Our mansion is located on the Oregon coast.
-- It's large enough for each person to have her own wing of the house.
-- However, there are some shared facilities that we all enjoy, such as a library.
-- Oh, and did I mention the bowling alley?
-- And the waterslide. The waterslide is actually an enclosed one and it goes through the library. So when you are sitting quietly in the library and reading a book, every once in a while someone comes down the waterslide...
-- I think there was something about each of us having our own servant boy or cabana boy or something, but you can fill in your own ideas about that.
-- Although our rich doctor patroness basically provides for our every need, for pocket change we make little souvenirs to sell on the beach. You know, the ones that are like rocks and shells with googley eyes? Cheap souvenirs like that.

So that is Plan B. Every once in a while we would just sit around and talk about what was going to be in our house and that was our way of having fun. Or commiserating. Or both. :)"

Thank you, dear reader friend for the story. I also love the waterslide idea. Who says spinsters can't have fun!

Get Thee to a Nunnery...

Sometimes I wish we as Mormons had our own counterpart of the Catholic nun. I mean since I have wound up taking a vow of celibacy and unfortunately a vow of poverty I might as well get some kind of credit for it, right? I mean not every Mormon girl is going to marry, so why not give her a post where she doesn't have to feel guilty or sad about not finding her EC (Eternal Companion). My friend has even come up with a name for us Mormon nuns- Mormonja! I guess a word for 'nun' in Spanish is 'monja', so she just combined mormon and monja. Perfect! See my friend's post: http://mormonja.blogspot.com/2008/05/where-did-term-mormonja-come-from.html.

Ok, so I know that that's never going to happen, but that doesn't mean I can't come up with my own kind of nunnery! Wouldn't it be great to have some sort of spinster community where we could support and befriend one another. Technically my nunnery wouldn't be like a Catholic nunnery, nor would it be like living like as a sister missionary. Spinsters would have regular jobs and could even date and evenually get married if they wanted to leave the flock. The great thing about my nunnery would be the friendship AND the combination of resources.

That is the kicker. Just imagine how much we could have if we combined our resources. The sad truth of the matter is that statistically, women make less money throughout their lives than men. I don't know why that is, is it the glass ceiling effect, do women start their careers later or do they just choose careers that don't pay as much? It's hard to say, but what I do know is that it is hard to buy a nice home on a spinster's budget or have nice things. But just imagine if 4 spinsters living together combined their 35,000/a year salaries-that's 140,000/year, enough to afford a nice house and stop blowing our money on rent! I'm not really talking about everyone sharing their money equally like the law of consecration, but I am talking about buying a house together and other things together that you couldn't afford alone!

Now I know there are skeptics out there, because I've talked to them about my plan, but it could work. If someone did decide to leave they could sell their share of the house to another spinster(including the equity they had accrued) or rent it out to another spinster (or maybe do a rent to own plan). There would definitely be some kind of contract that would outline all of the particulars. I know spinsters like to be independent and are often transient, but after awhile you just want to settle down and have a house like all your married friends have. Why can't we have the same things? We can, we just have to be more creative about it.

The Economics of Love

I thought it would be fun to post some related posts from blogs that I read. This is from my friend Medicus at http://brainbitsfrommedicus.blogspot.com/. She's not really a spinster, she's too young for that, but she is a single gal. Enjoy.

The Economics of Love by Medicus

"Recently I've been reading The Eustace Diamonds by Sir Anthony Trollope (which I highly recommend to anyone curious about the novel). The main conflicts involve characters that get tangled up in legal harrassments and love affairs because of a set of fabulous diamonds. Amid this melange of crime, politics, and romance, Trollope addresses the issue of love in marriage. Does marriage based on money pay off? Can marriage based on love weather the plights of poverty?"
"This conflict of love versus money in marriage is actually a relatively new predicament to mankind. It wasn't until relatively recent times that Western societies could afford to make marriage arrangements based solely on love. Marriage has historically been mostly an economic business transaction. From the words of anthropologists, marriage is traditionally a relationship between two men made manifest by the exchange of a woman. The transfer of goods for a woman symbolizes the transfer of rights. Types of traditional economical changes include bride wealth (money from husband given to bride's family for compensation), bride service (husband gives service to bride's family for compensation), and dowries (bride has money from her family to bribe grooms to provide security)."
"We can't forget that marriage is also a contract to help untangle the issue of sexuality. The marriage transaction and resulting contract establishes a continuing claim to the right of sexual access to a woman, which involves the eligibility to bear children. Therefore, marriage also links property and inheritance."
"To put it simply, marriage is historically an issue of "sexinomics." In today's society, we can afford to marry for love, but do we really throw aside the primeval sexinomical issues when we are searching for a mate?"

That is a good question, Medicus. I'm sure when we are looking for someone to marry we look more favorably on gainfully employed, at least somewhat, ambitious guys. (Just a sidenote, isn't it interesting that ambition is usually a trait admired in men, but not in women.) Well as my Dad likes to advise me, "Don't marry for money, just hang around the rich until you fall in love!"

Writer's Block Be Gone

So I don't know if I've been suffering severe writer's block or what. But after a long delay, here is another post. More to come soon!

I don't know if this is a good thing, but it always makes me happy when I happen upon someone my age that is also living the single life, especially if it is a person I went to high school with. Just this summer I've discovered that four people I went to high school with are unmarried (3 girls and one guy). Before that I discovered two other girls from school that weren't married, so that makes seven of us unattached alumni. It's not a large number, but it is nice to know I'm not the only one who is nuptially challenged, because sometimes it feels like I'm pretty much the only single gal left from high school. I also now have a roommate that is my same age that I knew several years ago in college. It's nice to feel like we're in this together.

Tick tock, tick tock

As a spinster you tend to think about your biological clock a lot and how everyday you are creeping closer and closer that dreaded age of 35 which is when scientists insist that fertility wanes and that your only hope is for a mutant child. For someone that has always wanted to have kids and be a mom, it is a scary thought to think your body is on a timetable. I mean at this point in my reproductive life my twenties are basically shot and if I don't reproduce in the next five years or so I am laughing in the face of fate. So in this torment of emotion it's no bad thing when you're reminded that having kids isn't always a walk in the park or if it is it requires a many hours to get the kids and their stuff ready to take to the park and then the kids will cry when you eventually have to leave the park and you and the children when be very dirty after the excursion.

I just got back from visiting my sister's family. She has two little girls aged 1 and 3 and after spending 24 hours a day with them for over two straight weeks, I am exhausted and sleep deprived! I think there wasn't one night where one of the kids wasn't up and crying in the middle of the night for some reason. It's hard being a Mom. I love my nieces, but it made me very glad to be single and childfree, at least for now. Perhaps I am not cut out for motherhood after all. I know, I know everyone says when you have you're own kids it will be different. It's just other people's kids that are difficult. While I think this may be partially true, I don't know that I totally buy it. Kids in general just demand all of your attention. There are no two ways about it, having kids involves lots of sacrifice, devotion and energy! I just don't if I'm up to that anymore, maybe when I was 23, but I don't have that boundless energy and patience I might have had when I was younger. Oh well maybe I will never have to find out if I have it now or not.

Speaking of biological clocks, I just read an article that levels the playing field just a bit. A recent study has shown that men have a biological clock too! Apparently men reproducing over the age of 35 are linked to lower pregnancy rates and higher miscarriage rates. The damaged sperm of older men can also lead to some childhood dieases in their offspring. See the article: http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/health/2008/0715/1215940927316.html
So let's get the word out. Guys should stop thinking that they can play the field for however long they want without any consequences, even if they do eventually marry a younger woman. Ok that's my take on the matter at hand. I'd like to hear if you ever feel the same way.

Matchmaker, matchmaker...

So I'm visiting my sister in England right now and last night we went to enrichment at her ward. I know some of the ladies there from my last visit and one of them said, 'so how would you like to live in England?!?' I was thinking like hmm do you have a good job for me in England? Nope that wasn't it. She and several other ladies were like 'ooh she should meet Colin (name changed to protect the innocent)' and then they proceeded to talk about this single guy in the ward (the only young single guy in the ward) that I should date. Everyone was like 'oh yeah, that would be good', like they had all just had a little epiphany or something. It was kind of cute and made me laugh, but seriously folks could that ever work out. Apparently because Colin and I are both over a certain age and single so we should hit it off right away. If only that was the only requirements you needed in a mate. Nevermind I'm only here for another week and you know we live thousands and thousands of miles apart.

The funny thing is my sister and brother in law had already invited him to a party we're having. I think married people are sometimes in so excited to match you up that they scour their minds for any other single person they know around your age, regardless of whether your personalities really mesh. Not that I wouldn't mind living in England, although my Mom would kill me for moving so far away near my sister and then she wouldn't have any children living in the states.

I had another friend who recently tried to set me up on another one of these improbable match dates. Last semester she had a professor who was single in his (late!) thirties, who she said just needed to get married. She thought 'hey, they are both academic types, they'll hit it off.' When she mentioned this to me I of course googled him and found a photo and a few not so flattering reviews of him on the website Rate My Professor. It didn't sound promising and as she told me more it sounded like this guy had almost no sense of humor. Blah, that's what I need most! Anyway, I jettisoned that blind date idea, because it just seemed like oh you're both single and intellectual you're totally hit it off. Again, not a lot of thought went into if this was really a good match.

Anyway, thank you married friends for thinking of us spinsters but please screen all potential matches for suitable personality and interest levels as opposed to just age and marital status.

The Young and the Restless

I have 29 single female Mormon Facebook friends that are 27 years old or older. I could add at least five more single friends of that age to this list as well that refuse to sign up for Facebook. That’s a lot of single girlfriends! Most of them have expressed to me a desire to be married and most of them expected to have been married by now. So why have they not tied the knot? Many of them are very pretty and stylish. I would describe all of them with at least two or more of the following characteristics: outgoing, fun, smart, ambitious, and active in the church. They are all really just nice, normal and socially adept people. They just all happen to be single.
So is this marriagelessness due to a shortage of nice, normal, socially adept Mormon guys? Is it that the national trend to marry later has rubbed off on the young adults of the church? Have they just not found the right one yet? Do they intimidate guys because they are “too smart” or “too ambitious”? Are they just not putting themselves out there to meet people? Are they in the wrong places at the wrong times? Are they just looking for a specific kind of person and not willing to settle for less? Or is life just really not fair sometimes?
Not that it is bad to marry later in life or that these girls are fated to be spinsters for the rest of their lives (in fact I scratched one girl off the list yesterday because her Facebook status had changed to engaged!), but I think a lot of my friends find themselves wondering what happened, how did their lives become different from their other Mormon peers, especially when they may not have planned it that way? As a spinster of 27+ you really start feeling like a minority in your family and ward. So this group I have amassed of former roommates, ward members, acquaintances and friends is still a minority of the many Mormon girls I have know over the years.
Ah, but maybe we are asking the wrong questions? I have had the same conversation over and over again through the years with my single gal friends. The topic is How do people find each other, fall in love and get married in the first place? Sometimes it seems like it would be a miracle if after all the dates we’ve been on and failed romances we’ve had to find someone who likes us as much as we like him- at the same time. And on top of that that we could both express our feelings to each other, without scaring the other person away or pressuring them into anything, seems unfathomable. But it happens all the time!
I will admit that I have no talent when it comes to interacting with guys. The same girl who was confident five minutes ago can be reduced to a babbling fool in front of a handsome man (it seems weird to call single guys men, guy seems to fit much better). So maybe that is my thing— awkwardness around that opposite gender, but some girls I know have a true talent for making guys like them.
I had a good friend and roommate in college who truly had a gift for attracting guys (of course not all of them were guys you’d want to attract but some of them were). She wasn’t particularly fetching or anything, but she was outgoing and fun and guys flocked to her. She got home from her mission and flew out to Utah a few days before school started at BYU. We had just become roommates and we looking forward to a lot of fun single college activities. I went with her to the BYU bookstore to help her get her books for school the day she arrived and who does she run into-her future husband!-a guy she had known during her freshman year. 3 months later they were engaged, so much for hanging out with my roommate. But the thing was she had only been off her mission like three weeks and she already had a boyfriend, crazy! I could never put my finger on how she did it, it was just innate or something.
Maybe some of my single friends are like me and just not good around guys. I think it would actually be really cool to hire a relationship coach or whatever you would call it, someone who would look at how you act around guys, how you flirted, how you acted on dates and tell you what you needed to work and how to do better. You know maybe something like a makeover, but only for you love life. I did find a really neat TV show kind of like that about a matchmaker in Buffalo, NY-Confessions of a Matchmaker http://www.aetv.com/confessions-of-a-matchmaker/ It was actually a really cute show and the matchmaker was brutally honest but in a way to get people to change not to put them down.
Ok, so I seem to be rambling, but I’m working this out in my head as I go. Anyway, I think probably one or all of the reasons I have mentioned for staying single apply to each of my friends. Obviously this isn’t a cut and dried issue or I couldn’t write a whole blog about it. It’s a super complicated and issues that I haven’t even dreamt of I’m sure are involved. But here is what we know for sure--Life doesn’t always go as planned and here is what we really hope for--Good things come to those who wait!

P.S. I'm going on vacation so I won't be blogging for a few weeks. Please no one be too devasted. :) Oh course if anyone wants to guest blog let me know and I'll add it in the interim.

Another One Bites the Dust

So I have this problem, I keep losing my friends! They keep getting "better" friends, friends with benefits, boyfriends. And it's happened again, Yes, one of my dear friends that I hang out with a lot just got herself a serious boyfriend and now I never get to see her! I can only assume it will get worse when she most likely gets engaged and then married. I can't be mad at her though for wanting to spend more time with him than me, because I would do exactly the same thing to her if a great guy came around for me.

It seems that girl friends drop off the planet for about a year after they engaged and married, then after that they realize that they actually do need girl friends and that they miss you and want to see you more. It's a bit devasting to one social circle because all the plans you made kind of fall through and you have to find someone to fill your friends place. See my previous post about the friend cycle, http://ldsspinster.blogspot.com/2008/01/hanging-out-but-not-hooking-up.html. (Oh and Future Spinster Librarian whose blog I read occasionally has gone and got herself engaged so I guess I have to take her off of my Spinster blog list soon, oh well).
Anyway such is the life of a spinster. Anyone out there want to be my friend?

Roads That Lead to Me

A little while ago I put sitemeter on my blog just to see how many people were coming to my blog and how they were finding out about it and the results have been quite interesting. My favorite thing to do is to see what google and blog searches have led people to me. Some are funny, like naughty spinsters, apparently if you search for that in google I am the first hit!!! But I promise I have never used the word naughty and spinster right next to each other (well until now of course)!

As for the other searches, some were a little melancholy like, I may never marry and think I'll ever get married. Other were precisely the kind of search topic that I wanted to lead people to me, like lds spinster, mormon spinster, and what is a spinster. I was suprised and a little pleased to see searches from what I presume and hope were from other older virgins, like the search, virgins in their 30's ( I actually got two of those). And for my all time favorite, whether it really applies to my site or not, single LDS women panic.

Anyway, I hope my blog can serve as a support to other LDS spinsters out there who may feel alone and that they just don't fit in anywhere. To them I say, you have many friends right here who know exactly how you feel because we are going through the same things you are. Please don't feel depressed or cast out just because you happen not to be married. Marriage is not the thing that brings worth to person (even though in our culture it can sometimes feel like that). You have so many really worthy and wonderful things you can do with your life no matter your marital status. I think I would like to abolish the term 'single'. Because really we aren't single, we have great friends and family who need and love us just like we need and love them. We are not alone.

Ok I will get off my soapbox now, I hope my little peptalk wasn't too cheesy, but it had to be said. And as always I appreciate and enjoy your positive and constructive comments. Alright then, until my next post.

Life will never be the same

So today I just finished reading the first book in the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer, a Mormon Mom from Arizona. Since last summer people (all women) having been telling me that I needed to read the book Twilight. I had some time this week so I finally sat down and read all 500 pages. It was a quick read, fun, and exciting. It made me feel like a teenage girl, giggling and feeling giddy at all the many good romantic parts and getting butterflies in my stomach.

Of course now that I've finished the book the problem is that life seems so dull and ordinary. How can anything in real life compare with breathtaking, dangerous Vampire/Human love? Today I felt dejected thinking how nothing in life could measure up to this fantasy. This book has warped my view of reality, how can anyone I date ever be a wonderful as Edward Cullen. I've noticed on facebook that there is group after group with names like this "Edward Cullen and Bella Swan gave me unrealistic expectations about love" or "Because of Edward Cullen human boys have lost their charm".

So is this what is wrong with relationships today-are we just totally unrealistic about what they should be like? When the giddiness of new love is gone and it starts to get hard do too many people just bail? I guess we could blame the media and I do frequently about their portrayals of a basically unreachable ideal. Someone in our stake presidency gave a talk last stake conference and he mentioned the media's power. He talked about one young man in the stake that decided to swear off all forms of media for a month or two. When asked about the result the young man said, "well everyone started to look a lot more attractive!" Very few people are really as attractive as the people in magazines and movies and they are making us look bad!

On the other hand, maybe this a cry by women everywhere that we want to be loved more and better. We want to be loved for who we are, clumsiness and all. We want to be loved for our human-ness, not our adherence to some uberhuman fantasy. If only everyone could love as well, as deeply as Edward maybe then life would be as good as any novel.

The Ties that bind

So obviously I have troubles being consistent in writing, so all of you frequent readers may want to add me to your google reader and then it will let you know when I do eventually post. If you don't use this it's a fabulous tool. Just go to your gmail and click on Reader at the top of the page then click on add a subscription and type my url in the box. When you go back and check your reader, my blog name will be highlighted when I've posted. Ok enough of a tutorial.


I've come to realize in the last while that guys are not the only ones who can be commitment phobes when it comes to relationships. Some girls and maybe quite a few Spinsters have a fear of making major commitment. But why? My friend told me the other day that after a four or five dates with a guy she starts to get annoyed by some of his idiosyncracies and calls the whole thing off. She says that she just couldn't live forever with those certain habits/traits. I suggested that the thinking behind it is that, "I've lived this long without a spouse and I've been fine. Why do I want to bind myself to someone for eternity that bugs me?"


I kind of feel the same way as my friend, I guess that is what some people call picky, but aren't you entitled to be picky about the person you will marry? I mean I haven't devoted myself to a life of celibacy this far just to throw it away on someone who is just good enough. I want something spectacular after waiting this long really.

Actually I think part of the fear is also feeling like will lose my independence. I like the things I want to do on my timetable. The idea of the old ball and chain is a little scary. I'm a little afraid of all the compromise marriage entails. Does anyone else out there feel the same way?

Shocked and Appalled

Well school is finally out and maybe I'll have some time now to blog. Maybe. So I was riding in the car with two of my friends the other day and we were talking about dating and guys and how it's so hard to find good guys to date and how will we ever find a good guy to marry, etc., etc. You know the same conversation you've had a million times through the years with your single girl friends. And I, maybe too honestly, blurted out that, well I really just don't worry a lot about that stuff anymore. And they of course were like, how can that be? At first I said, well I just vent everything to my blog and I feel much better about life (seriously a blog is the best and cheapest therapy around! ).

And then I said hesitantly, well it's also because I just don't think I'll ever get married. There was an audible gasp. What! how could I ever say something like that, they agreed they could never give up and think like that! Well I went on to explain that it's easy to forget about that kind of stuff when you come to terms with the fact that you may never get married and that is not the worst thing that could happen. I got a few head nods and well it might not be that bad.

But I just find it amazing how shocked people get (and maybe it's only LDS people that are really shocked, I don't know) when you point out that you are not getting married. It's like the worst thing you could say and they seem to think that you've lost your faith in civilization, humankind, and the whole cycle of life. Even if you know in the back of your mind they are probably thinking, this girl will never get married, they still act appalled. Which reminds me of that great scene in My Big Fat Greek Wedding when Tula introduces her fiance to all her relatives and they say, 'We never thought it would happen, we never thought this day would come, never! But here it is!' Ah I love that movie.

Anyway, with my track record with relationships and the way my current dating life is going, I don't think I'm being pessimisstic, just realistic. Why not just move on with life and stop mopping around and start making plans? Not to say I never think about guys or marriage, but really it's like what is the point in worrying. This way if anything ever does happen it will be a pleasant suprise. And I love suprises!

Spinster Sidekick

Doesn't it always seem that in romantic comedies the main heroine has a spinsterly sidekick friend that never gets the guy? She is witty and funny, smart and loyal and always gives her friend good advice, which is seldom taken. Oh sometimes she flirts with and maybe gets the hapless slob that is the hero’s, usually perverted, best friend. That is if she’s “lucky”. But more often than not she is unlucky in love for some reason or other, usually it is that her appearance is lacking in someway, or she is very nerdy, or that she is bitter towards the opposite sex. Regardless she is a perfect foil for her gorgeous, glamorous friend whose love life she vicariously lives through.
The only example that comes to me now is Gidget's sidekick in the old TV reruns I used to watch as a kid. Gidget, as played by a young Sally Field, would always head to the beach in her bikini and she'd drag along her mopey, freckle-faced friend who was allergic to the sun and would wear a big floppy straw hat and be covered head to toe in a big mumu. Her friend was always good for some witty zingers, but eventually Gidget would leave her all by herself and go surfing with hot guys. (Ah, that was quite a show, I never realized until now how much it influenced me as a kid, I should go buy the DVD and see if it holds up to the test of time, anyway).

After the hero and heroine get together and the story ends, what happens to the sidekick best friend? Does she stick with the guy’s loser friend, remain alone forever or strike off and become the heroine of her own story?

I think that in life my role thus far has been that of sidekick. I have married off many friends and roommates, but obviously not myself, hence the reason for this blog. So why is it that I have not been the heroine, is it one of the reasons above or is it just that life is not like a movie? Life IS way more complex, but I think I'd like to write a novel or screenplay wherein the sidekick gets the guy and her gorgeous friend doesn't. Wouldn't that be refreshing? I'd eat up a movie or book like that. Doesn't even a sidekick deserve her Prince Charming?

Do you have a favorite movie sidekick? And are you a perma sidekick like me? I'd like to hear what you think.

Thoughts from a Reluctant Spinster

Here is another post from a guest blogger. I think she makes some very good points. As always we welcome your comments.

My friend and I have had many chats about what it's like being a "spinster". She knows how much I hate that word! To me - the word is so Depressing!! That's probably why she started this whole blog - to take the negative attention away from the word! And to help those other single women out there to know that we shouldn't be ashamed to be single!!

I think there are a few different types of "spinsters" Those that are depressed about being single, those that are excited at being single, and those that focus all their attention on accomplishments to hide the fact that they are still single! (I'm sure there are more different types - but that's all I could think of at the moment). What I find funny about the whole "marital" status - is that we ALL wish for what we don't have. Those that are married - may wish they were single. Those of us that are single - may wish we could be married! If only we could be happy at where we are! I will be turning 29 this year. l will admit freely that I have fallen into ALL those types of "spinsters" at some point in my life.

My most recent entrapment happened around my high school reunion. Ahhh, yes - High School Reunions - or Reunions for that matter. What's the point in them?!! Why do we have them??!!! Why else do we get together, but to boast about our accomplishments. If you don't agree - check a little deeper in your soul - of course it's about boasting!!! If you really cared about keeping in touch with your friends from high school - you would still be talking to them. You wouldn't have to show up 10 years later - to show people how skinny you got, how rich you are, and how good looking your spouse is - and maybe kids (if you have any). It just makes the single "spinsters" feel like there isn't anything to show off! (Maybe we should bring our cats, muah, ha, ha!)I'll admit - I didn't go. I would much rather keep my memories of the times back then, than to see how some have turned out miserable. I don't need to see someone else's misery to be happy and content that I'm single. I feel guilty in saying this, but sometimes I look at my married friends/families lives and I'm really glad that I'm single!

I am old fashioned in my dating style. I want a man that will take charge, and will ask me out. I feel this "new age" of women asking men out - has changed men! I'm not pleased with the way most men have turned out because of this. I don't want a man who won't stand up for what he is. I'm still out here searching for this man. Although, my eldest brother, has mentioned a few times - that I would find a man if I bated my eyes, and smiled and say "whatever you want dear!" We have constant arguments about this. That comment makes be feel like I will be a slave to a man. Marriage is about enduring love, hardships, and equality! It won't happen all the time and at one point, both or one may be selfish - but marriage isn't about control! If that's why I'm still single - than I'm glad! I think the hardest part of being a "spinster" is that we are lonely at times. I would much rather be lonely, than to have someone trying to control me.

One thing I have learned by watching my friends and family in their individual marriages, is that it's not about controlling someone else - it's about love. Many people, even if they are or are not married, will look at someone that isn't "paired" up with someone - and think "Well, there's obviously a reason you are still single. Maybe you are too set in your ways. Maybe you're selfish. Maybe you can't love. Maybe you are being too picky." Well, they may be right - but those kinds of people are also in marriages! Wake up people! Single people ARE capable of love - regardless of how long they have stayed single.

To show love - it involves one person showing/giving it towards another. Sometimes I think single people can do more of that, than those that are married - cause the marred people are so caught up in their marriage and their kids - that they hardly have time to show love to other people. I hope we all = single or married, may show more of our love to people we truly care about. For single people - even though you and I are capable of love - if it's not the right time for us to meet our "lover", then let's live a full happy life until it's meant to be!

Nice Girls Finish Last?

(Hi guys, Here is a post from a friend of mine. I thought you'd enjoy hearing her thoughts on the dating and what not.)

Being a 26 year old single girl, I have had a lot of time to observe relationships and here are just a few of my observations.

The nice girls always finish last-meaning the nice girls are never the ones that are getting married. I consider myself to be a pretty nice girl. I feel that I will treat my future husband very well and also feel that I treat other people very well, considering. I have noticed that the girls that are the ones getting married are not so nice. I watch my sister-in-law for example. She is so mean to my brother. Nothing is ever good enough for her, and every time I am around her, she is telling him what to do. It’s always, Mark (name has been changed) get me that pencil, Mark go wash the dishes, Mark we are going to go visit my family this week, Mark I don’t feel good so we can’t be with your family, Mark I want I want I want. I feel that my brother is always giving so much to her, and she whines so she can get her way. Granted, my brother is dumb enough to fall into her traps, but still. I have even seen him change when he is around our family in order to make her happy. Again, he falls into her traps, but he is a different person since he married her because of the way she treats him.

Independent girls also don’t get the guys. So I can change a light bulb myself. Whoop de doo. So I can change the door knobs on my front door by myself. It’s really not that hard. Who cares? Apparently the guys do. For some reason guys have this need to feel needed. They like it when helpless girls to ask them to do simple favors for them. When a girl asks a guy to do a favor for her, he falls immediately in love with her and will do anything for her. Why is that? What is it about the girl who can’t do anything when a guy is around that attracts them?

It is necessary to touch every guy nonstop when he is around. Story-so I lived with two really annoying girls that somehow were able to mesmerize any guy that walked into our house. I believe it was because they would touch every guy and just hold onto his arm the whole time he was there. How am I supposed to talk to a guy when my roommates were hanging onto him and would not let go of his arm? I couldn’t do it. No, I’m not jealous. I really am not. But it was really annoying when every guy that entered into our house was somehow sucked into their trap.

This last one is just a frustration story about a previous roommate. At one time she was dating three different guys at the same time. I’m sorry, but I just don’t see how you can feel good about yourself when you are dating three people at once. The first guy she met while working together. They went out for probably over a year. She couldn’t decide if she liked him, but really it was that he wasn’t attractive enough for her. So then came along guy #2 with beautiful eyes, but she said she just couldn’t talk to him like she could talk to guy #1. She wished guy #1 looked like guy #2 or that guy #2 could communicate like guy #1 could. Personally, I think there is more to a guy than being beautiful. I would rather date somebody that is not so hot and be able to communicate with him. But maybe I’m not like most people. While trying to decide between guy #1 and guy #2, guy #3 came along. He was funny, but I don’t think he was beautiful enough either. Either way, at one point, she was dating three different guys at the same time. She finally decided guy #1 wasn’t beautiful enough, guy #2 wasn’t a good enough communicator, and I think guy #4 came along before she was happy with guy #3. So currently she is dating guy #4 and things are apparently going well. Good luck to her. Do you want to know the twist-at her surprise birthday party, guy #1, guy #2, guy #3, and guy #4 were all there. How’s that for awkward?

Anyway, I probably sound like I’m bitter, but I’m really not. I've just seen a lot of guys friends ruined by girls. And I think it’s interesting that the whiny, dependent, touchy girls are the ones that get the guys. Don’t guys want to be treated kindly and be able to have some sort of freedom? Maybe I just need to change my ways and become helpless and needy…Please come rub my feet for me boys, and while you're at it, take me on expensive dates because that's what I deserve.

No, Anything But That!

There is a word that sends chills into the hearts of every single person I know and they will do most anything not to be called this word. What is this powerful word? Bitter. It seems like when anyone wants to insult a single person for being well single, they call them bitter. "You aren't married because you're too bitter." Ouch! As if there's not a lot of bitter married people out there. I have even been accused of being bitter for writing this blog!

I was with some of my school friends in the department computer lab and we were checking our facebook accounts. One girl said-"I think I am the only girl in my high school graduating class that isn't married! And I'm not that old!" Another girl said, "Yeah, I have felt fine because I have always had an unmarried friend that is older than me, but that last older unmarried friend just got married this December! Oh well at least I'm not bitter! I mean at least I don't blog about it." Then she glanced my way. I knew she was just teasing me, but I think a lot of people would misconstrue my blog for bitterness.

I honestly I think people use the term bitter to try to control people and to try to make them believe they should always have some kind of maniacally upbeat attitude about being single and that Mr. Right is just around the corner and life will be happily ever after when they do find him. Anyway that's what it sometimes feels like-Never have a pessimistic or even realistic attitude about lifelong singleness.

I think I fall into the realistic camp. And that is what this blog is really about. Me, coming to grips with the fact that I may never marry and realizing that there are worse things that could happen. And also actually that life can be awesome as a Spinster. Not that there aren't things that I'm going to miss out on, but it doesn't mean I need to be prone to fits of crying or hate all men or delude myself either. Those seem to be what people think my options are. No, I will realistically embrace my life and if people call me bitter, so be it.

I've arrived!

Haha- check this out ladies I was quoted in an article/post! I'm famous... well in some circles. But this is an interesting article, have a look.
http://www.blogher.com/reclaiming-spinster

Spinster Stories

So I've started to recruit some of my single friends to help me write posts and give me spinster anecdotes that you may find interesting. I obviously am having a hard time writing consistently and need some help, plus I like to hear what you think to. So if any of y'all out there would like to swap stories just email me.

Here is a little anecdote from my dear single friend about the ideas some guys have out there. You know there is prejudice out there to spinsters, but instead of getting mad, lets laugh about it.

"One evening I went to a 25+ LDS Young Adult Speed Dating Night. I figured, what would it hurt? At the time I forgot to figure in pride and/or ego in that equation. As I was chatting with a handsome young man, he asked me about my apartment and roommates. I explained that I had a lovely apartment all of my own, and that I had not lived with roommates for a few years. He was shocked, and wondered why. I told him that even though I had enjoyed having roommates, I was now in a position to be able to create my own little place in the world. I thought he would think I was ambitious, or financially responsible, or anything other than what he did. He replied that he thought it was a mistake for a woman to live on her own before marriage because having roommates will teach her how to negotiate and compromise--crucial qualities in getting along with her husband. While I agreed that compromise is important, I reminded him that I had lived with the same group of roommates for several years, and that we had gotten along quite well--in spite of every one's quirks--and I didn't think I had forgotten the life skills I had learned during those years. He strongly disagreed, but when I asked about his living situation, he admitted he'd never moved away from home, except to serve a mission. Sorry man, but one thing I learned while living with roommates is that our dating lives occasionally required us to say no to a man and dodge a bullet. Consider yourself dodged.

During that same evening, I had the chance to meet another gentleman who was quite interesting. As we asked about hobbies, he replied that he quite enjoys knitting. Fancy that--I have a brother that knits too! This man started describing what his preferred knitting method was, and explaining why he collects antique buttons, when I interrupted with, "Can you macrame too?" He sharply informed me that macrame was not akin to knitting at all, and I was being ignorant. As he huffed away (nose in the air and all), I thought to myself, "What have I done now? Me and my sarcasm!" I'm sure he left thinking it was obvious why I'm single."

I think her humor went over his head, she is pretty sharp and witty. I think it was no bad thing that she didn't go out again with either of them!

Spinsters near and far

So my research on Spinsters around the globe has not turned up as much information as I had hoped, but I have found a few interesting tidbits. My first question was what are spinsters called in other countries. Here are a few of the results I got from Babel Fish:

German- Unverheiratet Frau (Unmarried woman)
or Alte Jungfer (Old maiden)

Italian- Zitella
or Donna Celibe (celibate woman?)

Russian- Ctaraya Deva (Old girl)

Spanish- Solterona (single one?)

Dutch- Oude Vrijster

French-Celibataire

But I asked my friend from France the word for spinster and she told me it was Vieille fille (Old girl). Here are some snippets from our conversation:

Me: So at what age are you a vieille fille in france and what kind of stereotype do they get?

My friend: Considering that the average age for a woman in France to have her first baby is 29 you're not a vieille fille for us yet. You're just starting your life girl! To be a vieille fille is not so much a matter of age but a matter of behavior to us since getting married does not mean much. We have actually more chirldren born out of wedlock than in. So when you meet a woman of 50 years old who has never been "married" she could very well be a happy mother of three (one just starting her career, one at university and one still a teen).

Me: so vielle fille is not really used much anymore? Is it a derrogatory term? so people don't feel any pressure to marry or start of family from society or their parents? what about in the church?

My Friend: LOOOOOOOOL this is such an American question. Oh nooooo. People really don't feel any pressure to get married. Actually what happens very often is that people get married after having raised their children (if they have not split up before). Vieille fille can still be used but since it is such a seldom thing we don't use it that much and it is therefore even MORE derrogatory. It takes a lot to be a vieille fille. It takes not only to never have had sex but also to be narrow minded and stuck in the time of your youth.
As far as the church is concerned there is not so much social pressure but people feel a lot more pressure from the church. Then you want to ask me why it is this way and then we will start on another subject that will take a lot more time to answer.

So I guess France is the place to go if you don't want to feel any pressure to get married! But not everyone has the French attitude. Here is an excerpt from a very interesting blog from a girl in Jordan, I suggest reading the whole thing at Memoirs of a Jordanian Spinster!!

She starts her post like this:

"Don’t be surprised! Jordan is one of these countries that if you are a woman and did not marry before the age of 25; panic attacks start hitting your family and specifically your mother, and they start doing their best to change this status to married so that they can finally rest and breathe that they did what they were supposed to do.

Suddenly; your mother wants to take you with her to any social call she is making, even if you don’t know the people or you don’t have anything in common with them; your mom will do her best to show you around to her friends and relatives and will go on and on about how successful you are, smart, obedient and how you would make a great wife and mother.

When you go to wedding parties, women will salute you and say in a low tone: By God's will; next time it will be your turn!! When will they learn that this is not a nice wish? It is as if saying we hope that one day you will get married as if this is the ultimate achievement in life!"

It sounds like Jordanian mothers aren't really that different than Mormon mothers. They still say the same things at weddings that they say here, "Next time it will be your turn!" Could that be a the most dreaded comment a spinster could receive anywhere?

Well I will keep searching and try to find more about spinsters from all over the planet, but until then I hope this suffices. Over and out.

Just a side note

I can't believe how many people from all over the US and Europe have looked at my blog. I have really no idea from my cluster map if some people are return visitors or somehow accidentally ended up at ldsspinster.blogspot.com and have never returned. I think I want to make some sort of guestbook that people could sign in, anonymous or not, and say where they are from, whether they are a spinster or not and how they found the site. But until that day when I get more techsavvy, you can always leave a comment on the latest blog with some info, just for fun, and maybe any ideas you have for new posts.
Ooh and also, let me know if you have a spinster to nominate for Spinster of the Week. They don't have to be famous, just interesting in some way. I think one time I will spotlight one of my great-aunts that never married. Also if you find any great quotes or related websites, I'd love to hear about them. Thanks for you input!

Would a Spinster by any other name...

Is it bad to call yourself a Spinster? My roommates don't want to read my blog because they don't like the idea of calling oneself a spinster. If you call yourself such does that mean you've totally given up on the idea of ever getting married? If you call yourself a spinster does that mean you want to hole up in your apartment and become a bitter "old maid". (Just a sidenote, I find it interesting that we call those kernels of popcorn that never pop "old maids". What's the significance of that? Do people think that single women that never marry are useless, wasted things? Interesting...)

Why do I call myself a spinster? I thought about this for awhile the other day and I came to the realization that I call myself spinster because I want to be part of a group, I want to have a niche. I could just call myself single, but then that lumps me in with all people, male and female, ages 18-99, that have never been married or are divorced or widowed, etc. There's too many singles to really feel like your part of a group. (Another sidenote, why is it that people are called singles or married people? Why not marrieds or single people? Do we not get person status until we are married?). Ok so it's a much smaller group that are women ages 25/30 and up that have never been married. There is more solidarity with such a group, we can sympathize with and support one another in a society largely prejudiced towards us.

Also I want to take back the word spinster and make it my own, free it from the connotations it holds. I found an interesting article on the internet with this quote from Grumble Magazine (I can't vouch for this magazine because I don't know anything about it, but I liked this quote),

"Ladies, in the great tradition of under-served, marginalized and downtrodden people, we need to reclaim a certain word that defines and labels us as "less than". The word I am referring to is "Spinster". We have been called many things throughout the years: "Old Maids", "Career Girls", "Maiden Aunts", and most recently, and appallingly, "Sex & The City Girls". None of these terms encompass what we are, what we can be if we mobilize. If the gay population took back "faggot" and "queer", and the black population took back "nigga'", then why can't we take back "Spinster" and make it our own, define it our way? I say we can."

Anyway, it's just a thought. I think I have embraced my spinsterhood in a way some others haven't. I may marry one day or I may never marry, but I don't want to spend my life in a limbolike state being neither here nor there. For now I am a spinster and that is no bad thing. For now I will enjoy my life and live it on my terms, without feeling like I am less than I should be. Thank you.

Plans Schmans

We spinsters are a transient lot. I myself haven't lived in any one house or apartment for longer than 9 months since living at my parents house. It seems I'm always moving for one reason or another, either I'm looking for better accommodations or I'm leaving for the summer or I'm moving away. I have had many many roommates, (62 counting my family and mission companions) some have been great and some have really not been great. But I'm not the only one, I know many girls who move around a lot. I don't know if its out of their desire or out of necessity. I would actually love to settle down and have my own house and plant a garden and stop being so transient, but it isn't that easy. It's hard for a single person to earn enough money for a house.

Some people think of being not married as having a lot of freedom, they think we can just pick up and go anytime we want. But the only problem is money, we have to get a job and support ourselves. I never really thought I would have to.


In Young Women's they prepare you for married life and that is what I planned on. I had a whole timeline of my my life drawn up in my journal when I was like 14. At 18 I would graduate from H.S., 21 graduate from college, then go on a mission, 23 get married, 25 have twins-Christopher and Madeline and so on. I hadn't decided whether to have 4 or 5 children, but I had covered the most important events. I never really planned on a career and having to support myself for the rest of my life. I think guys have it easier sometimes because they always planned on having a career so they have a headstart in knowing what they want to do and making that happen. At 25 I was like, 'what do I want to do with my life?' Well I knew that I wanted to have a family, but since that wasn't forthcoming, what else do I want to do? It's a question that I'm still asking myself. What now? The world is open to me, I can do just about anything I want to do, so what do I want to do? The number of options actually makes the decision harder instead of easier.

So what have I been doing, I worked for a few couple of years in Boston, because I thought it would be an good "experience". Now I'm back in school furthering my education. But what about when I'm done with that? Good question, I'll find a job and who knows where I'll end up-another move. I guess it's true that there are very few people in life who know exactly what they want to do and never deviate from their course. It might be nice to be one of those people, but it may also be true that plan N may be better than plan A, although you would never have guessed it. Maybe it's nice not to have the future set, it's more exciting and suspenseful. You just never know what could happen.

A Tale of Two Chick Flicks

So I watched two Jane Austen inspired movies this week, Becoming Jane and The Jane Austen Book Club. Both very appropo films for the spinster since Jane Austen may in some circles be called our leader, but one of them I really didn't care for and one of them was a little jewel in the rough. I was suprised how much I liked The Jane Austen Book Club. I went into it with low expectations (the best way to go into any film, that way you're never disappointed), because I hadn't heard anything particularly good about it. But it was sweet little film and more realistic and grown up than most chick flicks, while still being everything a good CF should be and in the end (spoiler ahead) the spinster gets her man and a cute,younger one at that (the darling Hugh Dancy, only downside is he doesn't have his English accent in this one). So go rent it, but don't expect it to have a lot to do with Jane Austen or to follow any of the Austonian storylines, the books are simply something that brings the group together.

As for the next film, Becoming Jane, it was disappointing and not just because she never married whatshisname (who was nothing but a cavorting puglist). It was not funny or clever or vaguely interesting and Jane was portrayed as such a boring stick in the mud that you really wondered how her mind was able to produce the products of our modern-day obession. I must have instinctively known the movie would not be that great since I waited so long to see it, instead of going out to see it the first day it showed in the theaters. Ah well we can't have everything now can we? Has anyone seen either of this movies and agrees or disagrees with me? Or does any one know of any great spinster flicks that are must-sees?

Well, you'll see...

So I asked my Chinese friend today what they call women that never marry in China. She replied with a laugh,"old virgins". And that is exactly how I felt today and it really had nothing to do with Valentine's Day.

I had a doctor's appt for the first time at the student clinic so I had to fill out all that paperwork that goes along with being a new patient, including a form that asks about your past medical history. This was the most extensive medical history form I had ever seen, it asked about your spirituality and if you prayed among other things. There was also a half a page or more about your sex life. The first question of course being have you ever had sex. My pencil hovered over the check boxes yes, no or never (I'm not sure why they needed both no and never, but they were both there). At that moment I felt like a very old virgin. I'm sure the doctors don't see a lot of virgins in their late twenties at the University of Utah. Would I be the oldest virgin they had ever seen???

In the church it's expected that you'll probably be a virgin until you get married, but to society at large it seems a tad freakish, like that movie The 40 year old Virgin. I've only seen part of that movie on tv, but Steve Carrell is a comic book loving techie who is a bit socially awkward (hmmm, is that the stereotype of a male spinster? That could be a good post later on). Am I like Steve Carrell's character to the world or am I more like a nun? Oh well being a virgin ain't a bad thing there's a lot I don't have to worry about, but sometimes its does feel like everyone is a part of this club that I don't belong to and they have a secret I don't know.

Anyway, so how did I answer the question? I left it blank! What do they need to know about my sex life or lack thereof? For now it will be my little secret.

Technical Issues

Well I haven't written for awhile because I have been busy doing research. One of my next topics will be about spinsters of the world. I'm gathering data from friends and the net about what spinsters are called in other countries, when exactly you become a spinster there and how those societies view spinsters. It's shaping up to be quite interesting. It may even be a two parter, but since I do have two jobs and go to school, it hasn't been my first priority. But please send me any information you might know about Spinsters in other countries.

Don't despair though there are still new things to tickle the spinster fancy. You may have noticed that I have added a new feature-Spinster of the Week. I found the quote of the week from Dorothea Dix which made me curious as to why she was famous and from there I discovered she never married, but she was totally driven to do great things---inspiring. Also I'm going to add a spinster reading list. It will mostly be articles found online about spinster topics and blogs from other spinster sisters. Also let me know if you have any suggestions for topics or you come acrossed any cool spinster related websites. Ok that's all for now. Over and out.

The One that got away

So in Relief Society on Sunday we got "the spinster talk" from one of our high councilmen. You know the one about life being uncertain and you can't really plan when you'll get married so you should get all the education you can and just go live you life. They also had a lady come in and speak who was 41 and unmarried, but successful in her career and polished, and also a homeowner. Basically the gist of the whole thing was don't get bitter and don't wait around to get married, face reality. I guess that's a good message. It seems like more and more the leaders of the church are saying you may never get married, or maybe they always said that but I pay more attention now. But here's the thing, what about the promises that I've gotten that said I would be married in this life? Have I not had enough faith to be married? When does faith border on self-delusion or does it ever? I mean if you can have enough faith to move a mountain, can't you also have enough to get married?

Now this brings me to some important questions that I think a lot of single women that want to get married ask-what did I do wrong or what should I have done differently or have I just not been righteous enough to find that certain someone? I've thought that before--If I had prayed and read my scriptures more I would have gotten married. Maybe that could be a factor, but maybe it really isn't. The number of factors is probably so large that it really couldn't be simplified to two reasons. And in the end it's not like I didn't have any choice in the matter. I mean I could have married just anyone, but I didn't really want to married the first joe schmoe that happen to be around.

Which leads me to this thought, "well maybe I really should have married that one dude, I should have made it work. I guess that's going have been my only chance and I blew it." As illogical as I know that is, what spinster hasn't had that thought cross her mind. At the time it just didn't feel right to marry the "one that got away" or "the one that I let get away." I just don't think it would have been the right fit. So I went on a mission and he sent me very long letters and care packages until I told him to start dating other girls. And he did . And got married when I had been out a year to a girl with my same name (now that's tacky). But you know what, as much as I muse about how things could have been different, I don't regret it. And now I've found out some odd years later he's never finished school, put on a lot of weight and left the church. I think I lucked out.

Well these is a short post on what is a very big topic, but I'd like to hear your thoughts. Do you have one that got away? Do you ever have any of these same thoughts that I do?

Ageless

So I've stopped telling people my age. If they ask I try to ignore their question or deflect it or make them guess my age and then say oh that's about right or sometimes I just straight out lie. HA! I can't do this with everyone. Some people I've known for awhile already know how old I am, but with everyone else they just ain't gonna find out unless I want them to.

So why do I care, why am I age concious? I think first of all I don't want people to judge me based on my age. I don't want them to make conclusions about me because of how old I am. I don't want them to wonder why I'm not at a certain point in my life, why I'm not married or what not. I just don't want them to think I'm old. This is especially true since I've gone back to college. I have a class with lots of underclassmen. They know I'm a master's student, but I don't want these 19-20 year olds thinking I'm an old foggie. Maybe they don't really care or maybe they've guessed my true age. But I'd like to pretend they think I'm younger than I am.

I wish I could embrace my age and shout it out to the world, "I'm ** years old and I don't care who knows it!!!!", but I'm not at that point yet. Maybe I'm embarassed, maybe I'm judging myself to harshly. But it's not like I'm alone in this, I mean women are famous for lying about their age the older they get. I mean what woman wants to tell people their age. I know several girls like me. It's sad that society does reward us for the years of experience and wisdom we have gained. Why is the media so youth obsessed? I want to go spend time in a culture that loves the aged, that thinks you're not in the prime of life until your older than 30 or so, not a culture that thinks you've peaked at 23. What do you think ladies? Doesn't anyone out there really not care who knows their age?

Single's wards vs. Family wards

Quite a few of my single girlfriends have informed me that they are going to start attending family wards. A few of their reasons: "Single's wards are just a meat markets"; "You can never get to know anyone because the turnover is too high"; "The pressure at a single's ward is just too much." One of my readers said "single's wards just don't work anymore." I tend to agree with them.
Once you have been to a single's ward for nigh on a decade they become very exhausting and tedious. They are these artificial environments that don't represent the population of the church or society and you know the real reason they exist is to facilitate YSAs getting hitched. But do they really work for that many people? I know some people that won't date anyone from their single's ward, because honestly who wants to see their ex-boyfriend/girlfriend every week at church, let alone perchance serve in a calling with them? There is also a fair amount of stealth dating in single's wards (SWs), because lets face if you go on one date with someone in your ward, everyone knows about it by the end of the night. SWs are hotbeds of relationship gossip and there is a lot of elbow nudging too-"so I heard you went out with Scott, so when are you guys getting married." I honestly don't understand it, if singles hate this treatment so much, why do they inflict it on other singles? So basically there is this huge pressure and anxiety on singles in these wards, almost like mice in a lab experiment. Which mice will pair off first???

Until a few weeks ago I attended a single's branch which I wholeheartly appreciated compared to the huge single's ward I attended in Boston previously. Nobody in the Boston ward really knew or cared who I was, let alone the bishopric. I had to beg for a calling and introduce myself to people each week just so I felt I was somewhat a part of it. Whereas my single's branch was small, I knew just about everybody and I was one of the bishops favorites (well at least I like to think so). The spirit was very strong there, but the turnover still was fairly high and the latest turnover left me with mostly a group of 18-19 year old girls and 21-22 year old guys. They are great people, but not really my peers. So now I'm back in a university single's ward that meets with 9,000 other wards at the SLC institute and the family ward is looking better and better.

I did go to a family ward for about a year or so sometime after my mission. I was the sunbeam teacher and I loved it. There are so many more ways to serve in a family ward. (I would actually love to be a Young Women's leader.) There is also such a greater diversity of people. I love getting to know the elderly people in the family wards too.

So here's what I propose. Dissolve SW's, this way there will be good-sized groups of singles in each family ward and they could plan activities and whatnot with each other and other wards, but you would still get the benefit of a family ward. Well I'm not holding my breath, but it could work. So until that time spinster's will always lament-to single's ward or family ward, that is the question.

Beware the Spinster!

I hope no one is too devasted that I haven't posted in a week. I was sucked into season one of Heroes, which took up most of my free time. But now I'm back and I have an important question: Do parent's think that because you're not married they have more say over your life then they do over your married siblings, regardless of your age? Does it mean they can be huge buttinski's and "accidently" open your mail that happens to arrive at their house and "accidentally" read it and then confront you about whatever they find? I guess that's what my parent's think. Not that my mail was scandalous (too bad) in any way, but it would be nice to get a little privacy!
This is definitely one of the cons to being a spinster, parents still treat you like you're 16. I think that if I was married and had kids and a house then they might see me as more of an adult. (If I had my own house at least I could have my mail delivered there instead of using my parent's house as my permanent address.) Well perhaps I am wrong, maybe all parents try to control their children regardless of marital status. I'm not sure, I'll have to see what my married sister has to say.
But that leads me into another subject, Parents' views on their daughter's spinsterhoods. I would really like to hear what y'all's parents say to you about marriage and such. Do they try to set you up on dates, or say things to you like, "Don't worry you'll find someone soon", or talk about your future children as if they are sure that you will provide grandchildren to them in the near future? My parent's don't do any of that. I'm pretty sure they have always believed that I would end up a spinster! Why? Do I have a huge 'S' emblazened on my chest like the scarlet letter? "Beware the Spinster!" (oh I like that, maybe I'll make that my title). I really never talk to them about it either. I think I'm afraid my fears will be confirmed and that my parent's will say "give up, it's no use."
Or maybe I don't want to talk about it, because deep down maybe I'm ashamed to be a single, LDS woman over the "legal" marrying limit by Mormon standards. This is sad, very sad to me that there could be some truth to this statement. This shame is the byproduct of having such a heavy, heavy focus on families and marriage in our society. If you don't marry than you feel like you've failed because that was your "mission" in life. What in the heck do you do now? Biology is even against the spinster too, trying to make us feel guilty for not propagating the species, by programming woman with this "biological clock" thing.
Well I want to explore some of these issues further, possibly sometime when I'm not in such a ranting and raving mood. So please post and give me your thoughts. Also stay tuned I may soon be posting a spinster comic strip, that is in the works, and not, thankfully, drawn by me!

Hanging Out, But Not Hooking Up

If you stay a singleton very long you will soon come across a certain problem. Your close friends get engaged and then married and fall off the planet. At least for a year, during which time you have to make new friends to hang out with. This happens with roommates too, I've sent many roommates off into the marital horizon and then had to get new ones. Over the years each new set of friends and roommates has gotten younger and younger, while I've gotten older and older.
Yes I do have a few friends around my age that have not gotten married, but most of them have moved away, so we never get a chance to hang out. And now we get to the main issue-who do I hang out with in the future when the age gap between me and a new set of friends will just be too chasmatic? I mean when I'm in my 30's am I really going to feel like hanging out with people 10 years or more younger than me and in a totally different stage of life? I could start hanging out with my married friends. I did that my last year or two of college sometimes, but you can only do that so much.
Now I think I see why spinsterhood can be hard and why some people think spinsters are recluses. They have no one in their demographic to hang out with. At a certain age they no longer go to a singles ward, so they don't have that built-in social network. They no longer seem to have a niche in society. They are nicheless.
What we need to do is start our own social network of spinsters, people to hang out with that understand our unique situation in the world. I've already started a group on facebook-the Mormon Spinster Society! Ok ,so the name really isn't that creative or catchy, that can be changed. The point is now we can start to network with our fellow sisters. I don't know where this could lead, but I think it could be a lot of fun. So if you would like please join. Over and out.

Just the Facts Ma'am

Here are a few statistics about single women and marriage in the U.S. I found them interesting and enlightening, I thought you might feel the same way.

As of 2003 there was 147.8 million females in the U.S. I guess that included children as well since the population then was about 295,000,000. Of that number of females 53.5 million were unmarried (including widows, divorcees, and never marrieds), and 62.9 were married. (I think the remaining 31.4 million are under the age of 15).
54% of Single Americans are women and there is an average of 86 unmarried men to every 100 unmarried women in the U.S. That sounds really bad, but also think of all the elderly women that are widowed. There are twice as many women as there are men in the 85 and older category. Also by state the numbers change. Rhode Island has only 79 unmarried men to every 100 women, while Alaska has 114 men to every 100 women. Of course not all these men are really eligible-some are in prison, which skews the real dating numbers!
But I think most interesting are the median ages of first marriages for people in the US in the past 100 or so years. Just remember median age is not the average, but the midpoint of all first marriage ages.
Median age at 1st marriage:
Men Women
1890 26.1 22
(Now things get interesting, the median age drops steadily until 1956 when it begins makes a steady rise.)
1947 23.7 20.5
1950 22.8 20.3
1969 23.2 20.8
1977 24 21.6
1985 25.5 23.3
1999 26.9 25.1
2003 27.1 25.3

So our grandgrandparents were married later in life than our grandparents and parents! The interesting thing will be to see if these ages for women keep rising or if they will level off. Soon maybe the median age for first marriages for women will be 30!

For more stats check out these websites:
http://www.census.gov/Press-Release/www/2003/cb03ff03.html
http://www.census.gov/Press-Release/www/releases/archives/facts_for_features_special_editions/002265.html

Spinsters get their facebook on

So I looked up spinster groups on facebook and apparently I have come very late to the game. There are already 114 different Spinsters groups on facebook! Two of which I joined-"Everyone needs a little Bridget [Jones]" and "D*** it feels good to be a Spinster". Why did I choose those particular ones? Well I joined the first cause I'm a Bridget Jones Fan (edited version of course!) and I joined the second one because it was funny and it was one of the only groups that didn't talk about becoming a cat lady. Apparently in many peoples minds "cat ladies" and spinsters are inseparable beings. And the number of women that liked the idea and the number of them that abhorred that idea was split down the middle. Also it seemed that a lot of the spinster groups were created by girls in England and Australia. Do those Isles have a disproportionate number of spinsters compared to the rest of the world???
But I digress, back to cat ladies. It seems that society has lumped spinsters into a few different groups. So lets go over the supposed categories of spinsters.

The Cat Lady, also known as the Crazy Cat Lady: Apparently she has given up on human interaction and filled that need with cat ownership. She lives in a small abode with 5 plus cats and leans in the direction of eccentricity. Oh and apparently she even has her own action figure (this is real!)
While I'm not going to say this kind of spinster doesn't exist and I'm not going to say I haven't met a few of them, this does not represent the Gen X spinster. Spinsters do not have to own cats, I think we come a long way since then.

Librarian Spinster: It seems to me that some jobs will always be linked spinsterhood and being a librarian is one of those jobs. Why? I'm not really sure. In the past maybe the traditional librarian "uniform" of glasses-on-a-rope, hair in a bun, cardigan and long skirt was just not appealing to the opposite sex or maybe librarians just found books so much more interesting and intellectually stimulating than the men they knew. The world may never know, but this kind of spinster is supposedly dowdy, bookish and shy. Ahem, this is not today's spinster either. Today's spinster can have any career and has much more flair.

The Bitter Spinster: This is the man hating, bitter, seething spinster who is epitomized by the character, Miss Havisham, in Great Expectations. She has been scorned by love and exacts her revenge on every male that crosses her path. Personally, I think this is what a lot of men think all spinsters (and sister missionaries) are like. They think that spinsters hate men and are just plain angry because they "couldn't snag a guy." Who really has time for all that anger and vengeance? It consumed and ruined Miss Havisham's life, take note. While modern spinsters may go through bouts of loathing the opposite sex, it's not long before they are back to living their busy lives.

I love this picture. HA!

Well that's all the categories I could come up with for now. If you can think of anymore please comment.

Go Cougars! (and I don't mean the BYU kind)

If you are anything like me you may have noticed that the older you get the shallower the dating pool of men your own age gets. And when I say shallow, I don't just mean less guys, I mean kookier, less stable, more bitter guys (yes guys do get bitter too). But all is not lost, there is a veritable smorgasbord of hardy, dashing and charming males right under our noses! Who are they???? They are all those young men between the ages of lets say 21-27 years old that you thought you were too old to date.

Yes the future is bright for older, single women. The stigma of dating a younger man has almost fallen by the wayside, actually it's becoming trendy-just look at Demi Moore. And this is where I come to the topic of Cougars. What is a Cougar? A Cougar is a single woman of a certain age that purposely dates younger men. Ok maybe the worldly view of the definition encompassing a little more than just dating, but that doesn't mean that single LDS women can't have their own version of the Cougar.

What really is so wrong with dating a guy 2, 3 even 7 years younger than yourself? I mean guys have been dating much younger women for...well...ever. A 28 year old guy can marry a 21 year old girl and hardly anyone bats an eyelash. Why can't a little older women have the same luxury? I actually find younger guys refreshing. They are less set in their ways and more open to trying new things. Ok so maybe they won't share your affinity for 80's music and they don't know all the characters on Saved by the Bell, but this is a small price to pay for finding a truly great guy. The Gen Y guy is also a different breed than the Gen X guy. Gen Yers are more forward thinking than Gen Xers, they are really more open to the idea of dating older women.

Now you may say, what about the maturity level, he is going to be so much less mature than me and we'll be at different stages in our lives. This isn't neccessarily the case with younger guys. Some people are naturally more mature than others no matter what there age and I don't know a lot of girls that would say that most guys over 30 that have never been married are quite mature. So maybe you're done with school and he's still studying away at BYU. Yes you may have to help support him through school, but again a small price to pay for getting to be with a great guy. And of course there is the perk that you won't out live him by as much as you would an older guy, since it's a fact that women live longer than men.

Basically what I'm saying ladies is don't discount the younger man. Broaden your horizons and just remember the formula half your age plus 7! (that's the youngest you can date ;), or so I've heard from numerous guys). Happy Hunting!

Where the Boys Are...

As a single gal it's sometimes hard to make plans for your life, because somewhere in the back of your mind you're thinking about getting married. It doesn't seem like the two activities should be exclusive of one another, but when you're planning your life you may not want to make plans that will hinder your chance for marriage or make plans that you won't be able to complete if you do get married and want to start a family. This is especially true for the single LDS woman.

Many of us are intelligent, independent, educated women that have lots of dreams and ambitions. But lets say one of these dreams is to join the Peace Corps, that's a dandy goal and all but how many single LDS young men do you think you're going to meet in your three years in the bush? Well unless you take one with you, then probably none. Maybe you'll love your time in Africa or whatever far flung place, but you basically are taking yourself off the market for three years. Now that is an opportunity cost. Is that fair? No. Is that reality? Pretty much yes. Hmm...
Ok so lets say your goal is not so exotic. Maybe you just want to get out of Utah and move back East. That may be a good plan, but is it practical for the marriage minded? Let's refer to some real statistics. I present a chart from National Geographic published in Feb 2007. For a better image you can go to the site
http://catholicgauze.blogspot.com/2007/01/go-east-young-man.html
As you can see there are a lot more single women than men Back East (and in Provo) then there are in Mesa, Las Vegas, Dallas and most of California. So this may throw a wrench in your plans. You may have always wanted to live Boston, but if you do you may be spending more time with your girlfriends than with actual dates. Now this matter is even more complicated for the unmarried LDS gal because the majority of LDS members also live in the Western United States. While I couldn't find the map of US LDS membership that I have seen, I'll give you the salient information. Utah had about 75% LDS population while Massachusetts had about a 1% LDS population.
So what does a young spinster do? Take a risk delaying marriage or plant herself firmly where the single LDS men are? Well either option doesn't guarantee that your will find a spouse, but unless you have inspiration one way or the other, it's something to think about. And that's what this blog is all about, to think about the issues facing LDS spinsters. I personally would go out and live your dreams and hope for the best, but of course I am still single. :) Ladies, have any of you out there had to make that choice? What were the results?