The Married Spinster

It happened! It really did. I got married a couple weeks ago! 

Then again, that wasn't really the point of this blog for me. Judging by the fact that I haven't written in almost three years (yikes!), it wasn't what got me to the altar, but it did make a major impact in my life. This blog was a way for me to be myself or rather find myself, to put my real feelings out there and come to grips with them, to find happiness as just myself and not as a part of a married unit. When I started this blog, I was quite overweight, was suffering through untreated depression, I never dated and wasn't being true to myself. After writing this blog I got health conscious, lost weight, treated my depression, started dating a lot and started doing things that were best for me, not just to please my parents and others. 

This blog was about facing my fears. And what was my biggest fear? Never getting married. Or maybe it was what I thought that meant- that I was unworthy, undesirable, unlovable and would be lonely and sad the rest of my life. All so untrue, but they sometimes felt true! In the end to get past my fears and let go of them, I had to embrace them. I said to myself- "You may never marry...and that's OK!" I gave myself permission to stop worrying about whether I would marry. Then I went a step further. "Even if you never marry, you can still have an awesome, amazing life and you won't be lonely or miserable." 

It was as if I lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders that I had been carrying for years for almost no reason at all. No one could put it down but me, I just had to realize that I could. I think this is the same with all fears we can choose to harbor that fear or accept it for what it is, be ok with its existence and its consequences, and then dis-empower it by dispelling the false beliefs around it. 

I have had to do this again and again in my life with so many issues, because that is just how life is; you tackle one issue and then up comes another. So right now I don't have a job. My fear is that no having a job means I have no purpose, no one wants me, that I am incapable and lazy. But Guess what, it is OK that I don't have a job right now, I accept I might not get a well-paying, venerable job for awhile and that people may judge me. That is OK, but I do have purpose, I am wanted, very capable and not lazy. I am doing the best I can and it's fine to take a break sometimes from looking for a job, worrying about not having a job or beating myself up about it! That is the Spinster Solution at work!

So there you have it. My greatest fear never came true. I may be 35 (almost 36) and a newlywed, but you know what, it's alright. That's how things worked out and I wouldn't change a thing...well ok I wouldn't change 90% of it (he,he...I would have worried less). I needed this journey and to learn the things I have learned and now I will go back and look at what I have accomplished and the fears that I have faced and apply that to what is going on now. And even though I am a married woman, I will always be a strong Spinster at heart... and that is no bad thing!

Cougar?

So time for my monthly post. October was a tough month, but now it's over, yeah! Lately to forget my troubles, I've thrown myself into social things-young single adult and midsingle. This has thrown me into the path of eligible young men...well some not so young and some very young. Which brings me to my latest quandary, how young is too young? Don't worry I'm not talking about premies or anything. But personally at what point do you think the age difference too much, four years, six, eight? And if you haven't already noticed there is a huge double standard between men and women when it comes to this. A man marrying a woman five to ten years younger than himself isn't so uncommon, but the other way around is much more uncommon. As a teenager I had a young women's leader who married a man four years younger than herself. I was always impressed by this and thought she was so brave to do such a thing. But is four years really that much of an age difference? Hardly. Oh and what's that formula, half your age and add 7 and that's the age limit of the person you can date. Who came up with that anyway?

What if you just happen to find someone you just really hit it off with that you really wouldn't think was younger than you if you didn't know? Do you put yourself out there and flirt up a storm and maybe draw comments or do you tell yourself that oh well, something might have been if he was a little older or you a little younger and give up? Honestly, it might have to be the latter unless you have self confidence of steel and look like Demi Moore. Oh well, that's, that, I'm no Demi Moore and not much of a boat rocker. Maybe more equality will come to the next generation of women!

Spinster Syndrome

From a recent episode of House Hunters- enter 30 year single female, put together with a good job on Capitol Hill. In her intial interview she talks about wanting to buy a house before her 31st birthday. '30 is a benchmark time in life, people are getting married, have kids, have a house and a dog. I figured I either need to get a man or buy a house. I've got to have some kind of accomplishment.'
http://www.hgtv.com/house-hunters/looking-for-a-first-home-in-washington-dc/index.html

Hmm, what is it about being a spinster that makes us think we have to prove ourselves and show we're accomplished? If we're not married we have to show people that we are not worthless by either having an amazing career, making lots of money, getting an advanced degree, buying a house or doing extensive charitable work in a third world country. Guess what I don't have or do any of those things. Does that mean I should feel bad about myself? Is it not enough to support yourself, be a good person and contribute to your community? For years I have felt that pressure to show people that I've done something with my life, but often I fall short and my self esteem takes a major blow. Where does a person's true worth come from? Don't we all have intrinsic worth as children of God?

Why am I trying to prove myself to other people? I've been learning about self defeating beliefs lately and one of them is Achievement Addiction: My worthiness depends on my achievements, intelligence, talent, status, income or looks. I think most people believe this to a certain extent, but if we do it also means that if we don't live up to these standards we are a total failure. But who sets the standards and how can we ever be good enough?

It's like we have to prove there's nothing wrong with us just because we're not married. I'm so tired of hearing the phrases, why are you still single? or I can't believe she's still single or I know why he's not married. If you've never noticed before people use these discouraging phrases a lot. Basically they are saying. All the good people are taken, the people that aren't taken have major problems or they are saying that being single is not normal, because normal people have someone. Maybe people don't realize what their words are implying, but they hurt.

Sometimes I wonder if part of the reason I want to be married so badly is so people will stop looking down on me or feeling sorry for me, to prove to them I'm not a failure, because I'm not. Sorry if this sounds like a tirade, but I think most spinsters may read this and agree with me. What do you think? How do you keep your self confidence under such pressure?

Maybe I spoke too soon

Well my dear readers, I may have spoken too soon about my slump being totally over. In the last two months I dated and broken up with said boy from last post. I must say it's pure agony to get so close to what you want but not having it be quite right. There is a take home message to all this though: you have to try new things and take risks to grow and progress, and I've taken a lot of risks this year-taking a new job far from home and anyone I know, moving twice in 6 months, getting in a car accident (well not really a planned risk, but definitely a challenge), and putting my heart out there in a relationship. All of these things have really stretched me (almost to my breaking point), made me realize things about myself that I needed to change and motivated me to make those changes and face fears that were important to face That almost sounds bad, but I think (hope) it's making me a better person. Along the way though I've had some sweet blessings and little miracles that I've been so grateful for. I've also realized what great friends and family I have, they've really helped me through a tough time. So there you have it, my life in the last two months in fairly vauge detail. Just know that I'm one tough spinster that can get through anything and will eventually get what she wants even if it takes a little (lot) longer than she expected!

The Slump is OVER!

My spinster slump is officially over---finally! I must have passed the test. I have great roommates that like to get out and do things. I've been going on hikes, visiting iconic sites and meeting lots of fun new people. One person in particular has been very nice to meet and we are going on our second official date on Tuesday! But he went on all the sightseeing adventures with us, so really it's like a fifth date. Things are going very well, so expect updates. Huzzah!

Spinster Slump

So people must not have wished me enough luck! This week has been the worst I can remember in a long time. My move started with a major car accident (no injuries thankfully, just a totaled car) and just went downhill from there. It's amazing how one thing can bring your house of cards crashing down. It has shaken my confidence and put me in a major slump. I'm now flabberglasted about where to go from here. Am I being tested? It sure feels like it.

Well sorry for the downer posts lately, but if you can't vent on your own blog, where can you vent? Also I accept any sympathy, ideas or stories on similar slumps you've had. I think I seriously need a spinster support group asap!

Away We Go

So I had hopes that moving to Southern California would give me a new and interesting social scene, alas that hasn't been the case. In fact I haven't been able to make any new friends to hang out with aside from my roommate and she is out of town this week. I have the week to myself and there is only so many phone calls you can make, so much tv you can watch, so much reading and internet surfing you can do before you start to go crazy from lack of social in-person human interaction! Bah, I forgot how hard moving to a new place can be, especially to a suburban area with mostly families. And it's not like I haven't been trying, I've gone to several small (very small) activities of a newly formed midsingles group in the area and I even went to a large midsingles conference about an hour away(that may deserve its own post). It makes me miss Salt Lake and my midsingle's ward out there so much.

Ah but before you feel too sorry for me there is some light at the end of the tunnel. I'm moving-again! My job is transferring me up to their headquarters in Northern California and I am more than excited --not to pack up all my stuff and haul it all the way across the state, but just for another chance to have a life. I've found LDS roommates who seem fun and social and seem to be in the know about the scene up there. I even have an old friend who lives in the area with her family so I won't be alone anymore. Wish me luck!