Thursday, September 12, 2013

The Married Spinster

It happened! It really did. I got married a couple weeks ago! 

Then again, that wasn't really the point of this blog for me. Judging by the fact that I haven't written in almost three years (yikes!), it wasn't what got me to the altar, but it did make a major impact in my life. This blog was a way for me to be myself or rather find myself, to put my real feelings out there and come to grips with them, to find happiness as just myself and not as a part of a married unit. When I started this blog, I was quite overweight, was suffering through untreated depression, I never dated and wasn't being true to myself. After writing this blog I got health conscious, lost weight, treated my depression, started dating a lot and started doing things that were best for me, not just to please my parents and others. 

This blog was about facing my fears. And what was my biggest fear? Never getting married. Or maybe it was what I thought that meant- that I was unworthy, undesirable, unlovable and would be lonely and sad the rest of my life. All so untrue, but they sometimes felt true! In the end to get past my fears and let go of them, I had to embrace them. I said to myself- "You may never marry...and that's OK!" I gave myself permission to stop worrying about whether I would marry. Then I went a step further. "Even if you never marry, you can still have an awesome, amazing life and you won't be lonely or miserable." 

It was as if I lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders that I had been carrying for years for almost no reason at all. No one could put it down but me, I just had to realize that I could. I think this is the same with all fears we can choose to harbor that fear or accept it for what it is, be ok with its existence and its consequences, and then dis-empower it by dispelling the false beliefs around it. 

I have had to do this again and again in my life with so many issues, because that is just how life is; you tackle one issue and then up comes another. So right now I don't have a job. My fear is that no having a job means I have no purpose, no one wants me, that I am incapable and lazy. But Guess what, it is OK that I don't have a job right now, I accept I might not get a well-paying, venerable job for awhile and that people may judge me. That is OK, but I do have purpose, I am wanted, very capable and not lazy. I am doing the best I can and it's fine to take a break sometimes from looking for a job, worrying about not having a job or beating myself up about it! That is the Spinster Solution at work!

So there you have it. My greatest fear never came true. I may be 35 (almost 36) and a newlywed, but you know what, it's alright. That's how things worked out and I wouldn't change a thing...well ok I wouldn't change 90% of it (he,he...I would have worried less). I needed this journey and to learn the things I have learned and now I will go back and look at what I have accomplished and the fears that I have faced and apply that to what is going on now. And even though I am a married woman, I will always be a strong Spinster at heart... and that is no bad thing!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I got married at 36 and I'd change a bunch. My husband got the very end of the best years of my life. I was the second wife and thus his vasectomy because the first wife thought 4 kids were enough meant no kids for me. At 56 I wonder what was the point? He loves me but at this point he is just a caretaker of my diabetic diseased body. He was cheated, I was cheated.