The Married Spinster

It happened! It really did. I got married a couple weeks ago! 

Then again, that wasn't really the point of this blog for me. Judging by the fact that I haven't written in almost three years (yikes!), it wasn't what got me to the altar, but it did make a major impact in my life. This blog was a way for me to be myself or rather find myself, to put my real feelings out there and come to grips with them, to find happiness as just myself and not as a part of a married unit. When I started this blog, I was quite overweight, was suffering through untreated depression, I never dated and wasn't being true to myself. After writing this blog I got health conscious, lost weight, treated my depression, started dating a lot and started doing things that were best for me, not just to please my parents and others. 

This blog was about facing my fears. And what was my biggest fear? Never getting married. Or maybe it was what I thought that meant- that I was unworthy, undesirable, unlovable and would be lonely and sad the rest of my life. All so untrue, but they sometimes felt true! In the end to get past my fears and let go of them, I had to embrace them. I said to myself- "You may never marry...and that's OK!" I gave myself permission to stop worrying about whether I would marry. Then I went a step further. "Even if you never marry, you can still have an awesome, amazing life and you won't be lonely or miserable." 

It was as if I lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders that I had been carrying for years for almost no reason at all. No one could put it down but me, I just had to realize that I could. I think this is the same with all fears we can choose to harbor that fear or accept it for what it is, be ok with its existence and its consequences, and then dis-empower it by dispelling the false beliefs around it. 

I have had to do this again and again in my life with so many issues, because that is just how life is; you tackle one issue and then up comes another. So right now I don't have a job. My fear is that no having a job means I have no purpose, no one wants me, that I am incapable and lazy. But Guess what, it is OK that I don't have a job right now, I accept I might not get a well-paying, venerable job for awhile and that people may judge me. That is OK, but I do have purpose, I am wanted, very capable and not lazy. I am doing the best I can and it's fine to take a break sometimes from looking for a job, worrying about not having a job or beating myself up about it! That is the Spinster Solution at work!

So there you have it. My greatest fear never came true. I may be 35 (almost 36) and a newlywed, but you know what, it's alright. That's how things worked out and I wouldn't change a thing...well ok I wouldn't change 90% of it (he,he...I would have worried less). I needed this journey and to learn the things I have learned and now I will go back and look at what I have accomplished and the fears that I have faced and apply that to what is going on now. And even though I am a married woman, I will always be a strong Spinster at heart... and that is no bad thing!

Cougar?

So time for my monthly post. October was a tough month, but now it's over, yeah! Lately to forget my troubles, I've thrown myself into social things-young single adult and midsingle. This has thrown me into the path of eligible young men...well some not so young and some very young. Which brings me to my latest quandary, how young is too young? Don't worry I'm not talking about premies or anything. But personally at what point do you think the age difference too much, four years, six, eight? And if you haven't already noticed there is a huge double standard between men and women when it comes to this. A man marrying a woman five to ten years younger than himself isn't so uncommon, but the other way around is much more uncommon. As a teenager I had a young women's leader who married a man four years younger than herself. I was always impressed by this and thought she was so brave to do such a thing. But is four years really that much of an age difference? Hardly. Oh and what's that formula, half your age and add 7 and that's the age limit of the person you can date. Who came up with that anyway?

What if you just happen to find someone you just really hit it off with that you really wouldn't think was younger than you if you didn't know? Do you put yourself out there and flirt up a storm and maybe draw comments or do you tell yourself that oh well, something might have been if he was a little older or you a little younger and give up? Honestly, it might have to be the latter unless you have self confidence of steel and look like Demi Moore. Oh well, that's, that, I'm no Demi Moore and not much of a boat rocker. Maybe more equality will come to the next generation of women!

Spinster Syndrome

From a recent episode of House Hunters- enter 30 year single female, put together with a good job on Capitol Hill. In her intial interview she talks about wanting to buy a house before her 31st birthday. '30 is a benchmark time in life, people are getting married, have kids, have a house and a dog. I figured I either need to get a man or buy a house. I've got to have some kind of accomplishment.'
http://www.hgtv.com/house-hunters/looking-for-a-first-home-in-washington-dc/index.html

Hmm, what is it about being a spinster that makes us think we have to prove ourselves and show we're accomplished? If we're not married we have to show people that we are not worthless by either having an amazing career, making lots of money, getting an advanced degree, buying a house or doing extensive charitable work in a third world country. Guess what I don't have or do any of those things. Does that mean I should feel bad about myself? Is it not enough to support yourself, be a good person and contribute to your community? For years I have felt that pressure to show people that I've done something with my life, but often I fall short and my self esteem takes a major blow. Where does a person's true worth come from? Don't we all have intrinsic worth as children of God?

Why am I trying to prove myself to other people? I've been learning about self defeating beliefs lately and one of them is Achievement Addiction: My worthiness depends on my achievements, intelligence, talent, status, income or looks. I think most people believe this to a certain extent, but if we do it also means that if we don't live up to these standards we are a total failure. But who sets the standards and how can we ever be good enough?

It's like we have to prove there's nothing wrong with us just because we're not married. I'm so tired of hearing the phrases, why are you still single? or I can't believe she's still single or I know why he's not married. If you've never noticed before people use these discouraging phrases a lot. Basically they are saying. All the good people are taken, the people that aren't taken have major problems or they are saying that being single is not normal, because normal people have someone. Maybe people don't realize what their words are implying, but they hurt.

Sometimes I wonder if part of the reason I want to be married so badly is so people will stop looking down on me or feeling sorry for me, to prove to them I'm not a failure, because I'm not. Sorry if this sounds like a tirade, but I think most spinsters may read this and agree with me. What do you think? How do you keep your self confidence under such pressure?

Maybe I spoke too soon

Well my dear readers, I may have spoken too soon about my slump being totally over. In the last two months I dated and broken up with said boy from last post. I must say it's pure agony to get so close to what you want but not having it be quite right. There is a take home message to all this though: you have to try new things and take risks to grow and progress, and I've taken a lot of risks this year-taking a new job far from home and anyone I know, moving twice in 6 months, getting in a car accident (well not really a planned risk, but definitely a challenge), and putting my heart out there in a relationship. All of these things have really stretched me (almost to my breaking point), made me realize things about myself that I needed to change and motivated me to make those changes and face fears that were important to face That almost sounds bad, but I think (hope) it's making me a better person. Along the way though I've had some sweet blessings and little miracles that I've been so grateful for. I've also realized what great friends and family I have, they've really helped me through a tough time. So there you have it, my life in the last two months in fairly vauge detail. Just know that I'm one tough spinster that can get through anything and will eventually get what she wants even if it takes a little (lot) longer than she expected!

The Slump is OVER!

My spinster slump is officially over---finally! I must have passed the test. I have great roommates that like to get out and do things. I've been going on hikes, visiting iconic sites and meeting lots of fun new people. One person in particular has been very nice to meet and we are going on our second official date on Tuesday! But he went on all the sightseeing adventures with us, so really it's like a fifth date. Things are going very well, so expect updates. Huzzah!

Spinster Slump

So people must not have wished me enough luck! This week has been the worst I can remember in a long time. My move started with a major car accident (no injuries thankfully, just a totaled car) and just went downhill from there. It's amazing how one thing can bring your house of cards crashing down. It has shaken my confidence and put me in a major slump. I'm now flabberglasted about where to go from here. Am I being tested? It sure feels like it.

Well sorry for the downer posts lately, but if you can't vent on your own blog, where can you vent? Also I accept any sympathy, ideas or stories on similar slumps you've had. I think I seriously need a spinster support group asap!

Away We Go

So I had hopes that moving to Southern California would give me a new and interesting social scene, alas that hasn't been the case. In fact I haven't been able to make any new friends to hang out with aside from my roommate and she is out of town this week. I have the week to myself and there is only so many phone calls you can make, so much tv you can watch, so much reading and internet surfing you can do before you start to go crazy from lack of social in-person human interaction! Bah, I forgot how hard moving to a new place can be, especially to a suburban area with mostly families. And it's not like I haven't been trying, I've gone to several small (very small) activities of a newly formed midsingles group in the area and I even went to a large midsingles conference about an hour away(that may deserve its own post). It makes me miss Salt Lake and my midsingle's ward out there so much.

Ah but before you feel too sorry for me there is some light at the end of the tunnel. I'm moving-again! My job is transferring me up to their headquarters in Northern California and I am more than excited --not to pack up all my stuff and haul it all the way across the state, but just for another chance to have a life. I've found LDS roommates who seem fun and social and seem to be in the know about the scene up there. I even have an old friend who lives in the area with her family so I won't be alone anymore. Wish me luck!

All by Myself?

Hello there! Yes I am a delinquent blogger. In my defense work has been very busy, ah, but on to other issues.

Do you ever have one of those weeks where it feels like all the single girls you know are getting married or dating someone and you feel left in the dust? Yeah it's been one of those weeks-or maybe I should say two weeks, in which I've learned two of my friends are engaged and three others have just started dating someone. Bah! I mean, so happy for them...but why am I always the bridesmaid never the bride (btw I'm not doing the bridesmaid thing anyone and I am so over the bouquet toss).

In an effort to console myself I made a list of all of my friends, former roomates, etc. that are not married or dating anyone. The list totals to 30 girls, a fine group of ladies that I don't mind being a part of. Spinster unite! And yes I do feel better now :)

Dilemma

Well I've been out here for a whole month! I love it mostly, but it's actually a lot harder than I thought it would be. First off I don't really know anyone but my roommate in the area. Which leads me to the question I've been asking myself for over a week. If you are no longer in a singles' ward and there are not a lot of LDS singles your age in the area, how do you make friends or meet guys?

Am I going to have to start online dating? Because I've been trying to avoid that for years! Am I going to have to look for platonic friends on Craigslist? Going to a bar is not really an option. I'm really kind of isolated, because my roommate, although awesome, is older than me and works nights and at work I don't have many co-workers.

On Saturday, in an effort to meet people, I went to a LDS 31+ singles dance an hour away all by myself. It was a big group of people but I was in all honesty the youngest person there. There were folks there in their 70's! Bah, I love spending time with people older than me, just not at a dance where I am supposed to be meeting people to date. It was strange. But I did meet a few girls and one guy that were around my age and that was good, but they all live far away from me. Oh well at least I tried, right?

The New Me

Good news, I will no longer be Spinster in the City anymore!---Haha, No I'm not getting married, but I am moving, so instead of being Spinster in Salt Lake City I will be a spinster in another place! I'm moving to the LA area for a great job and I couldn't be happier. I'm excited by all my new possiblities (including a new dating pool!). So things are really looking up for me, wish me luck! (Oh and I'll continue to write because, of course, you will want to hear about all my new spinster adventures in Lala land.)

Valentimes...

Happy belated Valentine's Day! Some single people have a hard time with this couple-centric holiday, but I really don't. Of course there does come an oversaturation point where you've seen enough hearts, candies and pink and red to make you puke, but I don't really mind not having a Valentine. Maybe because I never have had a boyfriend on that day I don't know what I'm missing, but to me the Christmas season is much much harder. What do you think?

P.S. enjoy this video from Homestarrunner, "Valentime's is Serious Times," (beware it is very strange and silly, but hilarious). www.homestarrunner.com/tgs12.html

Until the Real Thing Comes Along

So I have seriously been considering ending this blog. I thought maybe it had run its course and that I had said all I needed to say, but maybe I haven't. I know the key to keeping a blog going is posting often and I am so bad at that, but I can't seem to give up Spinster in the City, so I'm going to start writing again and more often. I'm updating the page and format as well. Lucky you!

A lot has happened in the last 3 months and yet not much has happened either. I'm still at the same job in the same city in the same house and still looking for a full-time job. But I will say I have been dating more-alot for me. I've kind of been putting myself out there--I even went speed dating, for the first time in my life! But the guys I've been dating have been, even for me, something akin to dating the "comic book guy" above. I don't want to sound proud or anything, but I feel like I could do better. They were quite a bit older than me, had kids, were not good looking and were kinda boring, but I was willing to give them a chance, because it wasn't like I was dating anyone else and shouldn't we give everyone at least a chance? Because what if we are being too picky? And you know what conclusion I am coming to-no, you don't have to give everyone a shot. If your gut says no, go with you gut!

As single women over a certain age do we begin to settle for men far beneath us? A case in point, two new girl friends in my mid-singles ward are both smart, pretty, fun, with it and both in their mid-thirties. Maybe it's because of this last fact they feel like they need to broaden their horizons or just that the pickings are slim at that age and in our ward, but one of these girls pointed out to me a guy in Sunday School who she said she really liked. Apparently they had even gone out on a date because she had clued him in that she was interested, but he had never asked her out again! I was shocked he hadn't asked someone like her out again and I was even more shocked she was interested in the first place, he doesn't seem entirely "with it" and I had noticed before was quite socially awkward. The other girl had made it clear to another guy 12 years older than her, that she was interested. They went out once or twice and that was the end of it, but she still had a little thing for him. Huh?

Now lets bring this back to me, because now I have a little crush on a guy in the ward I would not have really considered before, and yet he is not asking me out despite my attentions! What is wrong with these guys! And even more important why do we care?

Blog Crush

I just found a new spinster blog that I just love. It's got a clever title, First Person Singular. The author is a spinster like me albeit she is more sophisticated and hipper than me and isn't Mormon. I like the contrast and although we're different we still have the same spinster issues. I appreciated this recent post, http://firstpersonsingular.org/2009/10/19/post-wedding-blues/, about the post wedding blues. My favorite quote from her post, "weddings are tough. They bring up a special mix of highs and lows-from overflowing joy for the triumph of love, to the demon question: why have I been excluded from this most natural human act?"

She brings up a good point. As singletons I think we dwell on that sometimes, "what did I do wrong or what is wrong with me that I'm not married?" "Why have I been excluded?" The answer of course is unknowable, which makes it all the more tempting think about. We can work on "improving" ourselves to get married, but how do we know we're improving the right things? Really it just is what it is. That's what I have to tell myself and before delve headlong into a sad state (which you can't avoid every now and then but anyway). I am single-fact; now what can I do to enjoy my life and help others?

As with any trial asking why doesn't get us as far as asking what can I gain from this experience. It sounds trite I know, but I think I am a more compassionate person because I've gone through this experience of spinsterhood. Hopefully there are some other good character attributes I've gained as well. I wish I could say it was patience, but I'm not a very patient person. Although, maybe I am more so than I would have been had I married at 19 or something. Anyway, Elder Uchtdorf recently gave a talk and said something I found to be spot on, "Do not wait for someone else to make your life complete. Stop second guessing yourself and wondering if you are defective...seek learning, become engaged in a meaningful career and seek fulfillment in service to others." I like that man.

The Sounds of Spinsterness

I've written about spinster movies and tv shows before, but never about spinster music. I had never really thought about it before until I recently discovered the music of Feist. Ok I'm probably late to the game on this discovery, but she is wonderful, amazing and I love all, yes, every one of her songs. And her music just seems to resonate with the spinster in me and as far as I've been able to find out she is herself a spinster. Some of my favorites of hers that have spinster themes to me have to be "Secret Heart", "Mushaboom", "I Feel it All", and"1234."
See http://www.listentofeist.com/.

So that made me think about what other music I find particularly suited to spinsterhood. I would definitely add to the list most things sung by Billie Holiday, especially "Lover Man" and "You Go to My Head." Dixie Chicks also have empowering music for spinsters, like "Wide Open Spaces" and "Earl had to Die." Does anyone have any ideas who else could be added to this list?

Late Bloomer

I've decided I'm a self enforced late bloomer, which really just means I'm a procrastinator. I know this about myself, so I really shouldn't be suprised I'm a spinster. I mean I leave everything else to the last minute, so why not marriage. And it is starting to feel very last minute, eleventh hourish even-at least in the have a family department (because of course you can get married at any time in your life). I think having to move over to a mid-single's ward really made me wake up and say, Hey! You don't have forever to get it all together, so start doing something now!

So I have, I've started making improvements in my life and things are starting to come together in ways I had hardly hoped for. So wish me luck, this could be the beginning of a brand new me-or just an improved newer version of myself, SITC 2.1.

Ask Ms. Spinster..

Hello friends,
Have you been dying to ask a spinster-related question? Well you are in luck, I'm now taking questions and giving the best spinster advice/ideas/empathy around.

This was my friend Jenn's idea and I think it will be fun to hear what people are wondering.
So email me at ldsspinster@gmail.com and oh course your name will be confidential and not posted. Just the questions and my response. So put your thinking caps on and email me!

Facebook Group!

Awhile ago I formed a Facebook group-The Mormon Spinster Society! You will find me there as Ima Spinster. If anyone would like to join the group I think it could be a fun way to network and maybe get the word out about the blog. I am still contemplating have a face to face spinster activity in Salt Lake. I know this would ruin my anonymity, but I would love to interact with some of my local spinsters. Anyway let me know what you think!

The Ties That Bind

Well my dear Spinsters and Spinster affliated friends, it's been a busy month. I've moved residences (I'm still in Salt Lake City though!), been juggling two jobs and been entertaining company from out of the country. But maybe the real reason I haven't written is that there just have been no spinster highs or lows that have whipped me up into a passion. Like I said in a previous post I've been very content lately in my spinsterhood, very at peace with it. Maybe that means I don't need this blog anymore. But I will of course keep writing if I think this provides any solace or an outlet to any of my spinster sisters.

There has been one topic that has been on my mind lately. A few weeks ago I was reaquainted with a single gal in my mid-singles ward that I had known in college. She had recently moved into town and had previously been living for the past five years with her sister and her's sister's family and also near some of her siblings and their families. Because she was single her family just assumed that she had lots of time to do them favors and babysit their children all the time. She of course loved spending time with her nieces and nephews, but it did become a burden and she felt like she needed to move to get herself out of the situation.

So this got me thinking, what kind of burdens do we bear and what kind of sacrifices do with make for our family because we are single? I think we do much more for our families then they ever realize or maybe even appreciate. I only have one sister and she lives in another country with her husband and kids. I don't think she realizes the financial sacrifices I have made to go and visit her numerous times in this other place. I am also now thinking of delaying getting a fulltime job so I can spend more time with them when they visit for a month over the holidays! Not only that but I feel like I have more responsibility to help and spend time with my parents because I am the only child living nearby. I also sometimes think that I possibly shouldn't move away from Utah because I don't want to leave my parent's all alone.

I think these things have impinged on me financially and socially, even though I love to see my family. So what burdens have you borne for your family because of your singleness? Do they think you have all the time in the world to help them because you don't have your own family? I'd like to hear your thoughts.

Single with a Purpose: Guest Post

In response to my Single with a purpose post, my friend agreed to write down some of her thoughts on the topic. Thanks friend, it's always good to hear different points of view. Take a look:

"I found your post about being single with a purpose very thought-provoking, and it caused me reflect on my life and the unique opportunities I've had because of my spinster status. I'd like to share just a couple.

When I was 25, I started working for a not-for-profit agency and had the privilege of rubbing shoulders with some pretty influential politicians because I planned fundraisers and other events. Those few moments spent with people of influence turned into an invitation to attend a conference at which several employees of various helping agencies were able to put forward ideas to these politicians about how to help families struggling with poverty, domestic violence, immigration laws and many other issues. When it was my turn to discuss these issues, I took a big leap of faith and described the visiting teaching program, and how it could be applied in a social sense. For example, families established in our communities could volunteer as visiting families to ones newly establishing themselves, and visit the newcomers on a regular monthly basis, and assist them in ways that are needed, mainly friendshipping.

Although I knew I was out on a limb, many of the people present found the idea exciting and very adaptable to all the needs we were discussing. Even though I have since left that career and community, I have had success stories relayed to me by families that experienced this very new way to visit teach. Even though I believe strongly that raising a family is the highest goal I could ever achieve, had I been home raising children at this point, none of that would have happened.

Also, two years ago I unexpectedly lost my job, and was devastated, and the only comfort I could find was to tell myself that I at least I was only providing for myself. True, but not very helpful in the moment. As I interviewed for a new position, I felt like I was spinning my wheels and tried hard to keep my chin up rejection after rejection. Finally, after two months, one place I had interviewed with a month earlier and had felt so positive about after the interview, tracked me down and offered me the position because due to unforeseen circumstances, the chosen applicant had to turn it down, and I was the runner-up. I knew it was risky to move several hours away to a community I'd only ever been to for that interview, and for a temporary contract no less, but no other jobs were forthcoming, so I grudgingly accepted.

That move turned out to be one of the best decisions of my life. Not only was my career building in ways I'd never dreamed and my contract made permanent, I felt myself growing spiritually in ways I had long desired, and my social life was stronger than ever. The most interesting part of this whole experience was that the person whose position I was filling on a temporary basis turned out to be part of a branch that had long been missing from my ancestry's family tree.

The diligent genealogists in my family had searched for this branch for years, and never could find information on that name, and here I was working in one of the descendant's office. She and I have a great relationship, and through this unexpected twist of fate, our families have been reunited. I'm positive at some point the Lord would have found a way for our families to find each other no matter what, but I feel it was a privilege to be the instrument of reuniting these two families, and grateful that although it was difficult circumstances that caused me to move in the first place, my spinster circumstances gave the flexibility needed to do what was required."

Does anyone else have any experiences they'd like to share?

Stages of Spinster Grief

So I have a theory that most spinsters go through a grieving period just like any person who has had some kind of major personal loss. And I think this grieving period follows the stages of grief that go along with it-you know: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. This is called the Kübler-Ross model by the way (I just learned that on wikipedia 5 minutes ago-http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model).

I think I could name a different friend experiencing each one of these stages now. I myself have cycled through each of them a few times and I think I have finally now come to the acceptance stage. I have probably spent the most time in the anger and depression stages and sometimes still have those feelings, but mostly now I just feel like it's going to be okay. Accepting isn't neccesarily giving up or even believing that I'll never get married. It's more a feeling like this is how my life is, I am single, whether I like it or not and I can be happy and find purpose and enjoyment in my life no matter what. It's more about accepting your life as it is and finding peace, which feels pretty great.