So I've decided one of the hardest things about being a single person is you have to do everything by and for yourself. There is no one there to pick up the slack. Not only do you have to work 40 hours a week to support yourself (or in my case go to school fulltime and have a part-time job and barely support myself), you also have to do all your own housework, laundry, pay all your bills, do outdoor chores, take care of your car, do all your own shopping and prepare all your own meals. You also have to worry about insurance, taxes, investing, saving and retirement all by yourself. It's a lot to do and it's exhausting. I think I understand why people really get married, it's to divide up the work that has to be done.
Plus who is there to look out for you and make sure you eat well or exercise or go to the dentist every 6 months? The other week I was eating terribly-like pizza and ramen noodles, etc. every night and I just thought wow, I wish I had someone to encourage me to take better care of myself. I mean you still probably have your parents. But they can and should only do so much. And your roommates, while a support, have their single selves to look after as well. Although it always is nice when you can pool your resources and make a dinner together or everyone pitches in on the housework.
But anyway, I think the reason why statistically married people live longer is they have that spouse looking out for them. Oh well, maybe one day I'll make some money and I can hire someone to help me out. But until then I will be harried and overworked or in a constant state of chaos or both. Good times!
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Il Partner Ideale
So the other night my roommates and I were sitting around chatting and we came up with a little game. We would all make predictions about the other's future spouses and how we would meet them. It was really like telling bedtime stories and we definitely took artistic license with them. One of the proposals involved trained dolphins giving my roommate her engagement ring and one of the marriages involved getting married on the back of elephants in India. But we decided that all of our dream guys would be converts to the church.
So why would we all rather be married to converts than to men born and bred in the church? Well, no offense to all those sweet wonderful lifetime member guys, but the majority of lifers are ruining it for you! My roommates and I were pretty much in agreement that LDS guys can be very shallow and superficial, more so than many non-member men we have known! Why is this? As members shouldn't they have learned humility and charity and to look on people as God's children? I guess maybe they have assumed that these qualities don't extend to dating and finding a wife.
It seems to me that too many of the LDS guys I meet are really just interesting in dating overly made up, overly flirty young girls. Guys come on, look for some depth of character, try to really get to know some different kinds of girls instead of beelining it for the flashy ones. The truth is I have had more non-member guys interested in me than member guys. I dont' know if this mainly applys to Utah guys or if others out of state have noticed this same trend, but please let me know why this is.
So why would we all rather be married to converts than to men born and bred in the church? Well, no offense to all those sweet wonderful lifetime member guys, but the majority of lifers are ruining it for you! My roommates and I were pretty much in agreement that LDS guys can be very shallow and superficial, more so than many non-member men we have known! Why is this? As members shouldn't they have learned humility and charity and to look on people as God's children? I guess maybe they have assumed that these qualities don't extend to dating and finding a wife.
It seems to me that too many of the LDS guys I meet are really just interesting in dating overly made up, overly flirty young girls. Guys come on, look for some depth of character, try to really get to know some different kinds of girls instead of beelining it for the flashy ones. The truth is I have had more non-member guys interested in me than member guys. I dont' know if this mainly applys to Utah guys or if others out of state have noticed this same trend, but please let me know why this is.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Socrates and so forth...
It was Socrates who said:
If all our misfortunes were laid in one common heap whence everyone must take an equal portion, most people would be contented to take their own and depart.
I believe this is pretty much true. As humans I think we tend to peek into other windows and feel like they live much better lives than we do. But this isn't really true, everyone has struggles and trials. We also tend to think that if we could get a different job, move to a different place, get married or make lots more money that we would be much much happier. But these cases aren't neccessarily true either. There are many trials and misfortunes that a person can experience in life: death of loved ones, trials of faith, abuse of various kinds, physical disabilities, infidelity, divorce, to a watch loved one make dreadful mistakes, an inability to have children, poverty and financial hardship, and many others. With all of these struggles that I could be going through at this time, I glad the only one I'm facing now is the trial of being unmarried and the accompanying loneliness that comes with it. Although my plan was to be married by now, things could be worse. And even if I were married, it doesn't mean that I couldn't still have times of loneliness, feelings of inadequacy and sadness.
I guess what I am getting at here is that I really can't think woe is me, I've got to find that silver lining that is always there. I think what I need to do for now is serve more. Get my mind off me and help others that are going through rough times. And I've got to work on my faith and believing that things will work out for the best one day, because Heavenly Father does ultimately have our best interests in mind or he would never have let us go through so many hard times.
I'm just starting to read a book that was recently published. It was written by a former spinster, Kristen M. Oaks and is titled A Single Voice. I hope it will be enlightening or really just comforting. Sometimes it's nice to know that you're not blazing your own trail all the time, but that other people have been through what you are going through. Anyway, I will for sure let you know what I think of it. That's all for now.
-SITC
If all our misfortunes were laid in one common heap whence everyone must take an equal portion, most people would be contented to take their own and depart.
I believe this is pretty much true. As humans I think we tend to peek into other windows and feel like they live much better lives than we do. But this isn't really true, everyone has struggles and trials. We also tend to think that if we could get a different job, move to a different place, get married or make lots more money that we would be much much happier. But these cases aren't neccessarily true either. There are many trials and misfortunes that a person can experience in life: death of loved ones, trials of faith, abuse of various kinds, physical disabilities, infidelity, divorce, to a watch loved one make dreadful mistakes, an inability to have children, poverty and financial hardship, and many others. With all of these struggles that I could be going through at this time, I glad the only one I'm facing now is the trial of being unmarried and the accompanying loneliness that comes with it. Although my plan was to be married by now, things could be worse. And even if I were married, it doesn't mean that I couldn't still have times of loneliness, feelings of inadequacy and sadness.
I guess what I am getting at here is that I really can't think woe is me, I've got to find that silver lining that is always there. I think what I need to do for now is serve more. Get my mind off me and help others that are going through rough times. And I've got to work on my faith and believing that things will work out for the best one day, because Heavenly Father does ultimately have our best interests in mind or he would never have let us go through so many hard times.
I'm just starting to read a book that was recently published. It was written by a former spinster, Kristen M. Oaks and is titled A Single Voice. I hope it will be enlightening or really just comforting. Sometimes it's nice to know that you're not blazing your own trail all the time, but that other people have been through what you are going through. Anyway, I will for sure let you know what I think of it. That's all for now.
-SITC
Monday, September 8, 2008
Everybody Needs a Plan B (although I could use a Plan G!)
I've got some good ideas for a few new posts so keep checking back in the next week or so. But first in response to my nunnery post, my friend sent me a great story about the ideas she and her friends had come up with about their own spinster commune. They have some great ideas, I especially like the one about having a patron to fund the whole thing. So without further ado here is Plan B.
"Ok, so Plan B.
First you have to realize that this was cooked up in the mind of me and my high-school friends who really had nothing better to do with our time.
I think you'll appreciate it though, since it relates to your whole nun topic.
So, to explain. To every one of us, in some form or other, about the same thing had happened: we had gotten the "talk" from a guy that we liked but apparently didn't like us back in that way. You know, the talk that goes something like this:
Guy: You are so great.
Girl: I think you're great too.
Guy: I feel so close to you. You're like a sister to me.
Read: There is no chance ever that we will get together in a romantic way.
So one of my friends had recently gotten that talk from a guy and he actually told her that he thought of her as sort of a secular nun. Meaning, I guess, that he envisioned her as celibate, but not Catholic. Which of course meant that he couldn't see getting together with her.
So all of this spawned an "order" of sorts where we called ourselves the Secular Nuns. And in planning for our future, Plan B was born. Basically it was something that we liked to fantasize about because, again, we had nothing better to do with our time. But I guess it's a way of talking about our fears without really going off the deep end. The secular nuns always planned on wearing fabulous prom dresses as their habits, of course. No blah habits for us.
So the plan is this: our friend T always wanted to be a doctor (which she is now, by the way) and doctors make a lot of money, right? So we figured that if none of us got married, we would just live together in a big house and that was Plan B. It's not unlike your idea of getting together and sharing a place. Here are some of the details:
-- Our mansion is located on the Oregon coast.
-- It's large enough for each person to have her own wing of the house.
-- However, there are some shared facilities that we all enjoy, such as a library.
-- Oh, and did I mention the bowling alley?
-- And the waterslide. The waterslide is actually an enclosed one and it goes through the library. So when you are sitting quietly in the library and reading a book, every once in a while someone comes down the waterslide...
-- I think there was something about each of us having our own servant boy or cabana boy or something, but you can fill in your own ideas about that.
-- Although our rich doctor patroness basically provides for our every need, for pocket change we make little souvenirs to sell on the beach. You know, the ones that are like rocks and shells with googley eyes? Cheap souvenirs like that.
So that is Plan B. Every once in a while we would just sit around and talk about what was going to be in our house and that was our way of having fun. Or commiserating. Or both. :)"
Thank you, dear reader friend for the story. I also love the waterslide idea. Who says spinsters can't have fun!
"Ok, so Plan B.
First you have to realize that this was cooked up in the mind of me and my high-school friends who really had nothing better to do with our time.
I think you'll appreciate it though, since it relates to your whole nun topic.
So, to explain. To every one of us, in some form or other, about the same thing had happened: we had gotten the "talk" from a guy that we liked but apparently didn't like us back in that way. You know, the talk that goes something like this:
Guy: You are so great.
Girl: I think you're great too.
Guy: I feel so close to you. You're like a sister to me.
Read: There is no chance ever that we will get together in a romantic way.
So one of my friends had recently gotten that talk from a guy and he actually told her that he thought of her as sort of a secular nun. Meaning, I guess, that he envisioned her as celibate, but not Catholic. Which of course meant that he couldn't see getting together with her.
So all of this spawned an "order" of sorts where we called ourselves the Secular Nuns. And in planning for our future, Plan B was born. Basically it was something that we liked to fantasize about because, again, we had nothing better to do with our time. But I guess it's a way of talking about our fears without really going off the deep end. The secular nuns always planned on wearing fabulous prom dresses as their habits, of course. No blah habits for us.
So the plan is this: our friend T always wanted to be a doctor (which she is now, by the way) and doctors make a lot of money, right? So we figured that if none of us got married, we would just live together in a big house and that was Plan B. It's not unlike your idea of getting together and sharing a place. Here are some of the details:
-- Our mansion is located on the Oregon coast.
-- It's large enough for each person to have her own wing of the house.
-- However, there are some shared facilities that we all enjoy, such as a library.
-- Oh, and did I mention the bowling alley?
-- And the waterslide. The waterslide is actually an enclosed one and it goes through the library. So when you are sitting quietly in the library and reading a book, every once in a while someone comes down the waterslide...
-- I think there was something about each of us having our own servant boy or cabana boy or something, but you can fill in your own ideas about that.
-- Although our rich doctor patroness basically provides for our every need, for pocket change we make little souvenirs to sell on the beach. You know, the ones that are like rocks and shells with googley eyes? Cheap souvenirs like that.
So that is Plan B. Every once in a while we would just sit around and talk about what was going to be in our house and that was our way of having fun. Or commiserating. Or both. :)"
Thank you, dear reader friend for the story. I also love the waterslide idea. Who says spinsters can't have fun!
Friday, August 29, 2008
Get Thee to a Nunnery...
Sometimes I wish we as Mormons had our own counterpart of the Catholic nun. I mean since I have wound up taking a vow of celibacy and unfortunately a vow of poverty I might as well get some kind of credit for it, right? I mean not every Mormon girl is going to marry, so why not give her a post where she doesn't have to feel guilty or sad about not finding her EC (Eternal Companion). My friend has even come up with a name for us Mormon nuns- Mormonja! I guess a word for 'nun' in Spanish is 'monja', so she just combined mormon and monja. Perfect! See my friend's post: http://mormonja.blogspot.com/2008/05/where-did-term-mormonja-come-from.html.
Ok, so I know that that's never going to happen, but that doesn't mean I can't come up with my own kind of nunnery! Wouldn't it be great to have some sort of spinster community where we could support and befriend one another. Technically my nunnery wouldn't be like a Catholic nunnery, nor would it be like living like as a sister missionary. Spinsters would have regular jobs and could even date and evenually get married if they wanted to leave the flock. The great thing about my nunnery would be the friendship AND the combination of resources.
That is the kicker. Just imagine how much we could have if we combined our resources. The sad truth of the matter is that statistically, women make less money throughout their lives than men. I don't know why that is, is it the glass ceiling effect, do women start their careers later or do they just choose careers that don't pay as much? It's hard to say, but what I do know is that it is hard to buy a nice home on a spinster's budget or have nice things. But just imagine if 4 spinsters living together combined their 35,000/a year salaries-that's 140,000/year, enough to afford a nice house and stop blowing our money on rent! I'm not really talking about everyone sharing their money equally like the law of consecration, but I am talking about buying a house together and other things together that you couldn't afford alone!
Now I know there are skeptics out there, because I've talked to them about my plan, but it could work. If someone did decide to leave they could sell their share of the house to another spinster(including the equity they had accrued) or rent it out to another spinster (or maybe do a rent to own plan). There would definitely be some kind of contract that would outline all of the particulars. I know spinsters like to be independent and are often transient, but after awhile you just want to settle down and have a house like all your married friends have. Why can't we have the same things? We can, we just have to be more creative about it.
Ok, so I know that that's never going to happen, but that doesn't mean I can't come up with my own kind of nunnery! Wouldn't it be great to have some sort of spinster community where we could support and befriend one another. Technically my nunnery wouldn't be like a Catholic nunnery, nor would it be like living like as a sister missionary. Spinsters would have regular jobs and could even date and evenually get married if they wanted to leave the flock. The great thing about my nunnery would be the friendship AND the combination of resources.
That is the kicker. Just imagine how much we could have if we combined our resources. The sad truth of the matter is that statistically, women make less money throughout their lives than men. I don't know why that is, is it the glass ceiling effect, do women start their careers later or do they just choose careers that don't pay as much? It's hard to say, but what I do know is that it is hard to buy a nice home on a spinster's budget or have nice things. But just imagine if 4 spinsters living together combined their 35,000/a year salaries-that's 140,000/year, enough to afford a nice house and stop blowing our money on rent! I'm not really talking about everyone sharing their money equally like the law of consecration, but I am talking about buying a house together and other things together that you couldn't afford alone!
Now I know there are skeptics out there, because I've talked to them about my plan, but it could work. If someone did decide to leave they could sell their share of the house to another spinster(including the equity they had accrued) or rent it out to another spinster (or maybe do a rent to own plan). There would definitely be some kind of contract that would outline all of the particulars. I know spinsters like to be independent and are often transient, but after awhile you just want to settle down and have a house like all your married friends have. Why can't we have the same things? We can, we just have to be more creative about it.
Monday, August 25, 2008
The Economics of Love
I thought it would be fun to post some related posts from blogs that I read. This is from my friend Medicus at http://brainbitsfrommedicus.blogspot.com/. She's not really a spinster, she's too young for that, but she is a single gal. Enjoy.
The Economics of Love by Medicus
"Recently I've been reading The Eustace Diamonds by Sir Anthony Trollope (which I highly recommend to anyone curious about the novel). The main conflicts involve characters that get tangled up in legal harrassments and love affairs because of a set of fabulous diamonds. Amid this melange of crime, politics, and romance, Trollope addresses the issue of love in marriage. Does marriage based on money pay off? Can marriage based on love weather the plights of poverty?"
"This conflict of love versus money in marriage is actually a relatively new predicament to mankind. It wasn't until relatively recent times that Western societies could afford to make marriage arrangements based solely on love. Marriage has historically been mostly an economic business transaction. From the words of anthropologists, marriage is traditionally a relationship between two men made manifest by the exchange of a woman. The transfer of goods for a woman symbolizes the transfer of rights. Types of traditional economical changes include bride wealth (money from husband given to bride's family for compensation), bride service (husband gives service to bride's family for compensation), and dowries (bride has money from her family to bribe grooms to provide security)."
"We can't forget that marriage is also a contract to help untangle the issue of sexuality. The marriage transaction and resulting contract establishes a continuing claim to the right of sexual access to a woman, which involves the eligibility to bear children. Therefore, marriage also links property and inheritance."
"To put it simply, marriage is historically an issue of "sexinomics." In today's society, we can afford to marry for love, but do we really throw aside the primeval sexinomical issues when we are searching for a mate?"
That is a good question, Medicus. I'm sure when we are looking for someone to marry we look more favorably on gainfully employed, at least somewhat, ambitious guys. (Just a sidenote, isn't it interesting that ambition is usually a trait admired in men, but not in women.) Well as my Dad likes to advise me, "Don't marry for money, just hang around the rich until you fall in love!"
The Economics of Love by Medicus
"Recently I've been reading The Eustace Diamonds by Sir Anthony Trollope (which I highly recommend to anyone curious about the novel). The main conflicts involve characters that get tangled up in legal harrassments and love affairs because of a set of fabulous diamonds. Amid this melange of crime, politics, and romance, Trollope addresses the issue of love in marriage. Does marriage based on money pay off? Can marriage based on love weather the plights of poverty?"
"This conflict of love versus money in marriage is actually a relatively new predicament to mankind. It wasn't until relatively recent times that Western societies could afford to make marriage arrangements based solely on love. Marriage has historically been mostly an economic business transaction. From the words of anthropologists, marriage is traditionally a relationship between two men made manifest by the exchange of a woman. The transfer of goods for a woman symbolizes the transfer of rights. Types of traditional economical changes include bride wealth (money from husband given to bride's family for compensation), bride service (husband gives service to bride's family for compensation), and dowries (bride has money from her family to bribe grooms to provide security)."
"We can't forget that marriage is also a contract to help untangle the issue of sexuality. The marriage transaction and resulting contract establishes a continuing claim to the right of sexual access to a woman, which involves the eligibility to bear children. Therefore, marriage also links property and inheritance."
"To put it simply, marriage is historically an issue of "sexinomics." In today's society, we can afford to marry for love, but do we really throw aside the primeval sexinomical issues when we are searching for a mate?"
That is a good question, Medicus. I'm sure when we are looking for someone to marry we look more favorably on gainfully employed, at least somewhat, ambitious guys. (Just a sidenote, isn't it interesting that ambition is usually a trait admired in men, but not in women.) Well as my Dad likes to advise me, "Don't marry for money, just hang around the rich until you fall in love!"
Monday, August 18, 2008
Writer's Block Be Gone
So I don't know if I've been suffering severe writer's block or what. But after a long delay, here is another post. More to come soon!
I don't know if this is a good thing, but it always makes me happy when I happen upon someone my age that is also living the single life, especially if it is a person I went to high school with. Just this summer I've discovered that four people I went to high school with are unmarried (3 girls and one guy). Before that I discovered two other girls from school that weren't married, so that makes seven of us unattached alumni. It's not a large number, but it is nice to know I'm not the only one who is nuptially challenged, because sometimes it feels like I'm pretty much the only single gal left from high school. I also now have a roommate that is my same age that I knew several years ago in college. It's nice to feel like we're in this together.
I don't know if this is a good thing, but it always makes me happy when I happen upon someone my age that is also living the single life, especially if it is a person I went to high school with. Just this summer I've discovered that four people I went to high school with are unmarried (3 girls and one guy). Before that I discovered two other girls from school that weren't married, so that makes seven of us unattached alumni. It's not a large number, but it is nice to know I'm not the only one who is nuptially challenged, because sometimes it feels like I'm pretty much the only single gal left from high school. I also now have a roommate that is my same age that I knew several years ago in college. It's nice to feel like we're in this together.
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