Single with a Purpose: Guest Post

In response to my Single with a purpose post, my friend agreed to write down some of her thoughts on the topic. Thanks friend, it's always good to hear different points of view. Take a look:

"I found your post about being single with a purpose very thought-provoking, and it caused me reflect on my life and the unique opportunities I've had because of my spinster status. I'd like to share just a couple.

When I was 25, I started working for a not-for-profit agency and had the privilege of rubbing shoulders with some pretty influential politicians because I planned fundraisers and other events. Those few moments spent with people of influence turned into an invitation to attend a conference at which several employees of various helping agencies were able to put forward ideas to these politicians about how to help families struggling with poverty, domestic violence, immigration laws and many other issues. When it was my turn to discuss these issues, I took a big leap of faith and described the visiting teaching program, and how it could be applied in a social sense. For example, families established in our communities could volunteer as visiting families to ones newly establishing themselves, and visit the newcomers on a regular monthly basis, and assist them in ways that are needed, mainly friendshipping.

Although I knew I was out on a limb, many of the people present found the idea exciting and very adaptable to all the needs we were discussing. Even though I have since left that career and community, I have had success stories relayed to me by families that experienced this very new way to visit teach. Even though I believe strongly that raising a family is the highest goal I could ever achieve, had I been home raising children at this point, none of that would have happened.

Also, two years ago I unexpectedly lost my job, and was devastated, and the only comfort I could find was to tell myself that I at least I was only providing for myself. True, but not very helpful in the moment. As I interviewed for a new position, I felt like I was spinning my wheels and tried hard to keep my chin up rejection after rejection. Finally, after two months, one place I had interviewed with a month earlier and had felt so positive about after the interview, tracked me down and offered me the position because due to unforeseen circumstances, the chosen applicant had to turn it down, and I was the runner-up. I knew it was risky to move several hours away to a community I'd only ever been to for that interview, and for a temporary contract no less, but no other jobs were forthcoming, so I grudgingly accepted.

That move turned out to be one of the best decisions of my life. Not only was my career building in ways I'd never dreamed and my contract made permanent, I felt myself growing spiritually in ways I had long desired, and my social life was stronger than ever. The most interesting part of this whole experience was that the person whose position I was filling on a temporary basis turned out to be part of a branch that had long been missing from my ancestry's family tree.

The diligent genealogists in my family had searched for this branch for years, and never could find information on that name, and here I was working in one of the descendant's office. She and I have a great relationship, and through this unexpected twist of fate, our families have been reunited. I'm positive at some point the Lord would have found a way for our families to find each other no matter what, but I feel it was a privilege to be the instrument of reuniting these two families, and grateful that although it was difficult circumstances that caused me to move in the first place, my spinster circumstances gave the flexibility needed to do what was required."

Does anyone else have any experiences they'd like to share?

Stages of Spinster Grief

So I have a theory that most spinsters go through a grieving period just like any person who has had some kind of major personal loss. And I think this grieving period follows the stages of grief that go along with it-you know: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. This is called the Kübler-Ross model by the way (I just learned that on wikipedia 5 minutes ago-http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model).

I think I could name a different friend experiencing each one of these stages now. I myself have cycled through each of them a few times and I think I have finally now come to the acceptance stage. I have probably spent the most time in the anger and depression stages and sometimes still have those feelings, but mostly now I just feel like it's going to be okay. Accepting isn't neccesarily giving up or even believing that I'll never get married. It's more a feeling like this is how my life is, I am single, whether I like it or not and I can be happy and find purpose and enjoyment in my life no matter what. It's more about accepting your life as it is and finding peace, which feels pretty great.

Single with a Purpose

I think when it comes to marriage a lot of LDS spinsters feel like they've been sideswiped. All the sudden they are celebrating their 29th, 30th, 31st birthday (and beyond) and they are wondering what happened? I thought I would be married by now, I wanted to be married, what did I do wrong? Isn't it funny that that is the first thing we may ask ourselves- what did I do wrong? Was I not righteous enough? Should I have put myself out there more? Should I have married that one dude, even though I wasn't 100% (or even 75%) sure about it? I guess it's possible that we could have made a few bad choices or passed up a few opportunities that got us to where we are, but what I think is more likely is that there is a purpose to our singleness or at least we can find purpose in it.

When I first went to my mid-single's ward sacrament I was sitting in the front row and I turned around and just saw a sea of spinsters all between the ages of 31 to 45. For the most part they looked like with-it women. At first I thought,"how sad, look at all these single women," but then the more I thought about it, I thought, "look at all these women and think about how much good they probably do for the community around them. Look at how useful they are to society. They probably all have full time jobs and are being a good influence on the people they work with and for and are accomplishing neccessary, even great things. They probably spend a good amount of time serving the people around them as well." Yes, the Lord needs good mothers, but he also needs these single women serving wherever they are.

It was an uplifting thought and one that I'm glad to share. It's very likely many of these women will marry one day, later then they thought they would, but everyone in life is on a different timetable and we have different things to accomplish in this life and different places we are needed. How do we know our life isn't going just as it should? Maybe we really are on-course, at least that is the way I like to think about it, what do you think?

Family vs. Single ward Update

Here's an update-So I've started attending the older single's ward with my roommate and the people are so so much more friendly than in my family ward. Many people have talked to me and introduced themselves, just the way people at church should. I just find it sad that a single person should be made to feel that the only way they can fit in is in a single's ward (at least in Utah). I call my new ward the Leper colony, not because the people there are in any way unwell, but because the community at large has forced us to associate only with ourselves and not with them. Which is really unfortunate, because single people really have a lot to offer a ward.

Anyway, please don't think that I let this subject consume me. I usually don't think about it until Saturday night when I realize that church is tomorrow. And this is a time of adjustment for me, so hopefully things will start to run more smoothly now. What I really wanted to do here is bring the subject to light and let my fellow spinsters know that, hey, I understand how you feel.

Where do all the lonely people go?

My new ward isn't getting any easier. I thought I was making progress because the ward clerk called me in for an interview with the bishop. I thought good maybe I can get to know the bishop a little and I will get a calling. Not so good. They called me as a family history consultant-the fourth or fifth time I've had that job. Don't get me wrong, I love genealogy, but this calling is not going to get me involved in the ward much. It's not a calling I can only do in a family ward. Also, it is a frustrating job because no one wants to do their family history and ward members will probably try to avoid me more than they already do!

We'll see how it goes, but I now can totally understand comments I've heard from spinsters who have become or have contemplated becoming inactive in church at this time in their lives. It's so hard to be a part of a family ward, when you aren't welcomed in, when you are seen as an outsider merely because of your marital status. Part of the reason for going to church is to become part of a community of saints, but if the community rejects you or doesn't understand you or even try to understand you, where do you go?

My roommate has recently started going to a mid-singles adult ward in Salt Lake. She told me today that some of the women she talked to there have said that if it wasn't for this ward they would have gone inactive. A sad but understandable fact. I attended this ward with my roommate once. It's a unique ward, as far as I know there are only about five of their kind in Utah. Personally I didn't like what I saw. The ward was huge-it almost felt like stake conference. I thought there is no way I can get to know even a third of these people. And as I turned around from my pew and looked at the sea of faces, all it seems I could see were women. And as it turns out there are three Relief Societies! It just didn't feel like the place of me, but now I am wondering if it is my best option if I don't want to cry every week after church. Hmm...

Only the Lonely

So I've finally made the switch to a family ward and I had no idea that the transition would be so hard. The worst part is sitting alone and not knowing anyone. I would have thought more people would introduce themselves or be outgoing. I should have been, but I really just don't feel like I fit in. I am pretty much the only person in the ward my age and in my situation.

Actually the other week in sacrament (the 3rd hour in this ward), I was sitting all alone, practically on my own pew, and I just couldn't take it. Tears started welling up in my eyes and I just had to get out of there. So I slowly walked out and feigned that I was headed to the restroom or to get a drink or something, but then I made for the parking lot and to my car where I just balled. I know it sounds silly and I'm usually not that emotional, but the weight of spinster loneliness just hit me. Isn't that the thing that spinsters abhor most about the idea of singleness-being alone, really truly alone? Or as Bridget Jones fears "and I'd finally die fat and alone and be found three weeks later, half-eaten by wild dogs."

Why I am so afraid of being alone? I'm rarely alone unless I want to be. I rarely feel lonely, it's really just the idea that I may in the future be very lonely that scares me. But that hasn't happen yet. Why do I spend my time worrying about something that may or may not happen? And it's not just single people that get lonely. I'm sure from time to time everyone has those feelings. I think it was just at the moment all my fears felt realized. I know that as I get to know people and get a calling things will be better. But when do I get to that point?

Outta My League

"Miss Smith is a very good sort of girl; and I should be happy to see her respectably settled. I wish her extremely well: and, no doubt, there are men who might not object to—Every body has their level." -Mr. Elton (Jane Austen, Emma).

It seems to be true that in dating everybody does have their "level." And everyone determines their level by different yardsticks. Some people's level is dependant on looks, others on intelligence, others on wealth and social status, and maybe others on morals, but usually it is some combination of above. The concept has always seemed a bit brutal and narrow minded to me. Of course not everyone is going to be a match with us, but how many people do people we refuse to even consider because we think they are beneath us, usually before we even know them at all. I have been on both ends of this phenomenon-the refuser and the refusee, but mostly the refusee which doesn't feel one bit fair I can tell you.

I see some of my friends go on a lot of dates, but really in their mind they have decided that most of these guys don't have a chance and the first date is just a courtesy date. Sometimes I can only look on and think, 'Hey I wouldn't totally love to go out with that guy and I'd give him a chance!' But those guys didn't ask me out because maybe they assume I'm not at their level.

As an example, recently a guy in my ward that had just moved from Provo said to my roommate, "Do you feel you like you had to lower your standards when you came up to Salt Lake? There's just not many beautiful or amazing girls like there were at BYU." When she told me about his comments I wanted to scream! First of all if I were going to assign him a "level" it wouldn't be in the top tier, so why is he acting like any amazing, beautiful girl would trip over herself to date him and second there are many amazing AND beautiful girls in Salt Lake, but with some of them you might have to get to know just a little bit better to realize it. Really he is not doing himself any favors by judging the girls around here so harshly.

I really enjoyed ii eee's comments from my last post. She said,

"The guy I'm dating right now--it's only been two months, so who knows where it will end up (although I admit to being quite hopeful)--is someone that I NEVER would have dated like, 2 years ago even. I mean, I would have gone out with him once, but he and I are exact opposites."

I think this is so awesome and I hope the best for them. Now if I may turn to Austen yet again, her characters Mr. Darcy and Miss Bennett didn't think much of each other when they first met. Mr. Darcy said of Miss Elizabeth Bennett-"She is tolerable, but not handsome enough to tempt me; I am in no humour at present to give consequence to young ladies who are slighted by other men." Elizabeth didn't think much of him either, but by the end of course they were madly in love and married. I think that is why Pride and Prejudice is the perfect title for their story and also the perfect description for the whole dating process. We are all proud and all prejudice in our own ways and it is only when we set aside these attributes that we have a chance of being happy and finding true love. Would anyone else agree?