I have 29 single female Mormon Facebook friends that are 27 years old or older. I could add at least five more single friends of that age to this list as well that refuse to sign up for Facebook. That’s a lot of single girlfriends! Most of them have expressed to me a desire to be married and most of them expected to have been married by now. So why have they not tied the knot? Many of them are very pretty and stylish. I would describe all of them with at least two or more of the following characteristics: outgoing, fun, smart, ambitious, and active in the church. They are all really just nice, normal and socially adept people. They just all happen to be single.
So is this marriagelessness due to a shortage of nice, normal, socially adept Mormon guys? Is it that the national trend to marry later has rubbed off on the young adults of the church? Have they just not found the right one yet? Do they intimidate guys because they are “too smart” or “too ambitious”? Are they just not putting themselves out there to meet people? Are they in the wrong places at the wrong times? Are they just looking for a specific kind of person and not willing to settle for less? Or is life just really not fair sometimes?
Not that it is bad to marry later in life or that these girls are fated to be spinsters for the rest of their lives (in fact I scratched one girl off the list yesterday because her Facebook status had changed to engaged!), but I think a lot of my friends find themselves wondering what happened, how did their lives become different from their other Mormon peers, especially when they may not have planned it that way? As a spinster of 27+ you really start feeling like a minority in your family and ward. So this group I have amassed of former roommates, ward members, acquaintances and friends is still a minority of the many Mormon girls I have know over the years.
Ah, but maybe we are asking the wrong questions? I have had the same conversation over and over again through the years with my single gal friends. The topic is How do people find each other, fall in love and get married in the first place? Sometimes it seems like it would be a miracle if after all the dates we’ve been on and failed romances we’ve had to find someone who likes us as much as we like him- at the same time. And on top of that that we could both express our feelings to each other, without scaring the other person away or pressuring them into anything, seems unfathomable. But it happens all the time!
I will admit that I have no talent when it comes to interacting with guys. The same girl who was confident five minutes ago can be reduced to a babbling fool in front of a handsome man (it seems weird to call single guys men, guy seems to fit much better). So maybe that is my thing— awkwardness around that opposite gender, but some girls I know have a true talent for making guys like them.
I had a good friend and roommate in college who truly had a gift for attracting guys (of course not all of them were guys you’d want to attract but some of them were). She wasn’t particularly fetching or anything, but she was outgoing and fun and guys flocked to her. She got home from her mission and flew out to Utah a few days before school started at BYU. We had just become roommates and we looking forward to a lot of fun single college activities. I went with her to the BYU bookstore to help her get her books for school the day she arrived and who does she run into-her future husband!-a guy she had known during her freshman year. 3 months later they were engaged, so much for hanging out with my roommate. But the thing was she had only been off her mission like three weeks and she already had a boyfriend, crazy! I could never put my finger on how she did it, it was just innate or something.
Maybe some of my single friends are like me and just not good around guys. I think it would actually be really cool to hire a relationship coach or whatever you would call it, someone who would look at how you act around guys, how you flirted, how you acted on dates and tell you what you needed to work and how to do better. You know maybe something like a makeover, but only for you love life. I did find a really neat TV show kind of like that about a matchmaker in Buffalo, NY-Confessions of a Matchmaker http://www.aetv.com/confessions-of-a-matchmaker/ It was actually a really cute show and the matchmaker was brutally honest but in a way to get people to change not to put them down.
Ok, so I seem to be rambling, but I’m working this out in my head as I go. Anyway, I think probably one or all of the reasons I have mentioned for staying single apply to each of my friends. Obviously this isn’t a cut and dried issue or I couldn’t write a whole blog about it. It’s a super complicated and issues that I haven’t even dreamt of I’m sure are involved. But here is what we know for sure--Life doesn’t always go as planned and here is what we really hope for--Good things come to those who wait!
P.S. I'm going on vacation so I won't be blogging for a few weeks. Please no one be too devasted. :) Oh course if anyone wants to guest blog let me know and I'll add it in the interim.
12 comments:
ch I think it is a bit of everything you have mentioned. Demographically speaking, the birthrate in the US is around 95 live male births to every 100 female. And I believe the Church does have some statistical studies showing more women stay active than men, meaning that there is a small surplus of single woman.
Additionally, I think personality plays a role. I'm a fairly reserved person and it takes me a bit of time to warm up to people, meaning that in the single's ward environment, I'm at a disadvantage because I don't thrive in those situations. Also, I loathe the many demeaning ways in which I have seen women compete against one another for attention from certain men. So I refuse to participate.
And finally, there is a problem with a lot of the single men out there. Several General Authorities have spoken to them about it. They need to grow up, stop looking for whatever idea of perfection they have concocted in their heads (we have to ditch our preconceived notions of perfection too, but as a gender women seem much more flexible in some areas, like physical appearance, where men seem to get really hung up) and make an effort. Sadly, because they are in the minority, women have made it far too easy for them to have most of their needs met without committing. And this is becoming an epic comment, so I'll stop now.
Great comments, you could be a guest writer! I like the point you made about the single's ward environment. For people that aren't super outgoing and competitive for attention, it's not condusive to meeting new people, making friends or getting dates. Single's wards have just gotten too big, you can't get to know all the people in the ward, especially when people move in and out so quickly. I was in a single's branch for awhile and it was the perfect size to get to know people, even if you were somewhat reserved.
Let's not forget also the Mormon Scale of Attractiveness. You've seen that, haven't you? I think I probably put a link up for it way back....
Here is the reason I'm not married yet: this is the path the Lord has set out for me. It's quite simple.
Our culture is obsessed with accomplishing matrimony and procreation at a young age, even though it is unnecessary to run to the altar so quickly. It's true, anyone could put me in a category of sorts: not pretty enough, not sociable enough, not approachable enough, etc. But what do these things really mean? What defines "normal," and who gets to come up with the definition?
I believe a lot of people within Mormon culture are afraid to think outside of the box. For some reason, they believe that their lives should be lived one way, and that they are not to question it. Following social norms is seen as following the Gospel. The danger is that people stop thinking for themselves, which I believe makes them persuaded by "bad" influences just as much as "good" influences.
I'm thinking of my sister's friend who has decided to leave the Church after reading one (just ONE!) book about anti-Mormonism. It's deplorable when people believe ANYTHING they read, as though print equals truth. The Holy Ghost may guide us through scripture, but that is not the only form of communication the Spirit uses. When we forget to look and search within ourselves, we rely too much on outside sources to tell us what to do.
I think our culture would be a little more diverse if people lived their lives the way they felt was best for them as individuals, and not be so impressionable with what "everybody else" is doing. Living by what one supposedly "should" do, does not equal obedience unless it is a commandment from the Lord. Besides, I feel if it is as He commands, it is a "must do" and not a "should do." I see a difference there. If anything, the Lord has told me not to get married, not yet that is. Personal revelation is crucial to upholding faith and testimony.
I'm not saying those who married at 19 aren't able to think outside the box. There are spinsters among us who desperately wish they could cram their bodies inside that tiny, tiny box. However, if I ever get a calling in Young Women's, I'm going to try my hardest to convince the girls I would be teaching that getting married before 25 isn't a requirement. It's not an end all, and it does not equate your self-worth. I'm heartbroken when I have met a woman my age who has started to believe that she doesn't count as much as her married friends, or that the Lord doesn't see her as deserving of such a blessing. This couldn't be further from the truth! I empathize fully due to the fact that growing up, I was told that getting married was my only option. When I learned that was all society expected of me, I was crushed.
My longest comment yet... ?
I am so not an expert on this topic, but here is my experience. I am a firm believer in timing. When I was in high school, I thought that if I wasn't married by 20 then there was no hope for me and that I was never going to get married. Well, here I am 26 years old and single. But my belief about timing-In August 2006 my friend introduced me to a man that I thought would be my husband for the eternities. I got engaged and was supposed to get married in December 2006. Well come to find out, that guy probably wanted to get married so he could get papers and be legal in the US. I'm not sure if that's the real reason, but needless to say, I didn't marry him. Fast forward 1 year and 3 months. I decided to move to a new place in March. I was going to go to my old ward but decided to try out the new one. Because I did that, I have met the most amazing guy in the world. He is so incredibly adorable and has opened my eyes to what love really is. We aren't engaged or anything, but if I hadn't moved at that time in my life, who knows if I would have met him. I don't think it has anything to do with who you are. I've seen so many girls get married that don't really have a whole lot of personality or that may not be the best looking. But they are happily married to some guy that sweeps them off their feet. So my whole point is, I don't think that it matters your personality or what you look like. I have love handles and am not the best looking girl, but I have an adorable guy that likes me for some reason. I was just in the right place at the right time.
Mormonja,
Thank you for sharing your sweet story. I think you may be on to something. Sometimes it is about being in the right place to meet the person that's right for you.
I'm also approaching 27 and not married and it's equally as tough for Guys. A lot of people do look at you oddly and you can see them thinking what's wrong with him?
It's also gotten to the stage now when everyone seems to have suddenly developed a interest in my lack of a love life. Quorum leaders, friends, Home teachers and even my Sunday school teacher seem to have decided that they want to know what the 'problem is"
Of course it's a stupid question, if I knew what the problem is ( if there is one) I would have fixed it a long time ago.
Self confidence is a big issue especially when it comes to lessons on marriage. It's hard to listen to girls reel off every attribute that they want a guy to have and you know you have it and they won't look at you twice. Especially in my case.
I'm no Brad pritt but it makes me so angry to see the girls flocking around the 'pretty guys' or 'hunks' as they often call them. These guys go through girls so often and hurt them so badly but girls still keep going after them. And all I can think is that I would treat them a thousand times better but no girl will look at me. It's frustrating, tiring and dishearting. The more time goes on the more you'll loose a little bit more of your self confidence and belief that you will find someone.
It also doesn't help that I've been jokingly tagged, using that old church legends as a " Menance to Society" as I'm over 25 and not married some people find it funny and I know I should ignore it but it makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me.
Saxon,
Thanks for your comments. It's good to hear a guys perspective on these things. I guess it's good to hear we're not the only ones who have it hard. It does seem in each single's ward there is one or two guys and one or two girls that capture all the attention of the opposite sex. Which doesn't seem to be quite fair.
Of course I'm not really the fawning type and I'm not really alone in this as Scully also mentioned she doesn't try to compete for attention. Do you make an effort to talk to the girls like us?
Of course, I'm not the kind of girl that guys are immediately attracted to, I may be more of an acquired taste, but I'm funny and smart and up for doing most anything. But that's the things with acquired tastes, not everyone is going to like them. I'm not vanilla ice cream, I'm not going to suit everyone. I'm more like ginger mango peach or something, more interesting and suprising than vanilla, but not everyone's favorite. Maybe you're the same way, so really there is nothing "wrong" with us, we're just not everyone's flavor, and really doesn't the world have enough vanillas?
In regards to Saxon's comment, I do think it's healthy to remember that our gender is not alone in feeling "ignored" or "forgotten." Oftentimes we girls reign supreme queens of our own pity parties. I try not to say that we single gals have it harder than single guys, but the fact of the matter is, women come with expiration dates. Men don't.
I was reading a new favorite blog of mine, about a girl who moved back to her hometown. She described going back to the singles ward there like this:
"New ward where there are real winners. Example: Permafry (the man who's brain is fried from years of hard-core drugs), God's Gift (who I agreed to go out with until I remembered I don't date guys with fan clubs), Creepy Stalker (actually there are two!), Slave driver (read: mom), and Mean Girls."
It's true a lot of girls go after "God's Gift." But I find most of them are in the 19-24 year old bracket. Hopefully, most girls grow out of it (although competitiveness between women will always live on strong).
I went to a uni which had a rather screwy ratio of girls to guys so I learnt quickly that the girls who made themselves the focus of attention were usually quite boring to talk too. I always find the quiet girls much more fun to talk to as their fun, smart, and usually get my sense of humour. So yes I do try to talk to Girls like you and scully ( and I mean that in good way in case I've mistyped and put my foot in it somewhere)
I more find that my problem is that I'm firmly stuck in the 'friend zone' (it's like the twilight zone but harder to leave :-) with most girls. I/e they'll see me as a great friend and nothing more.
And to be honest I do have another problem facing me. I'm not a RM for reasons that I won't go into. Most girls in our region say they only want to marry a worthy priesthood holder and if a man didn't serve a mission then he can't be.
This does make me want to scream sometimes especially as a recent RM who got engaged within three weeks of returning from his mission was heard to say that he had decided to let his fiance go to uni as it would be good for her to have something to fall back on once the kids leave home" And yet this man is considered a better man then me.
So it seems that at the moment I'm going to stay firmly stuck in the friends zone watching the " Gods gifts" go swanning by with all the girls in tow who don't think I'm a worthy priesthood holder.
Life does suck sometimes
Saxon,
I hope you don't feel picked on because a lot of people are commenting on your comments. Maybe it's because you are the first guy to add an opinion. I just have one thing to say though about your recent post. I'm sorry to hear that you feel judged for not being an RM. I must be more open than a lot of girls because I personally don't care if a guy is an RM or not. Granted, I think there are benefits of marrying an RM because I served a mission and feel that I grew a lot while I was there. But I don't think that a guy who didn't serve a mission is a bad person. I can name plenty of guys in my own mission that have the title RM that doesn't mean a thing. I think if a girl doesn't accept you for who you are, then she isn't worth your time. As I stated before, I think everybody has their own time when some amazing person is going to come along and sweep them off their feet. It won't matter who you are, or what your past is, that amazing person comes along and wipes away all your worries.
I hope it doesn't look like I'm picking on Saxon. I have a big mouth when it comes to this subject: whether it be man or woman putting their opinion in, I'll probably come back in and say something. ;)
Mormonja, I will differ on your opinion about,"it won't matter who you are, or what your past is, that amazing person comes along and wipes away all your worries." I know of quite a few people who have never met an "amazing" person to take away their single status. I have relatives who are retired and still single. What about Sherri Dew?
Not that I want to sound like Debbie Downer, but not everyone is going to find someone. I don't imply that that means we should give up hope, I just like to stay away from statements like, "One day that person will come." Sure, it sounds nice, but making a sort of generalized statement that there is someone for everyone, only feeds into the fact that if you actually don't find someone, you have then failed. You are the loser, yes there really IS something wrong with you. I think it's better to accept that it's different for everyone, instead of believing that everyone will get that fairytale of happily ever after in this life.
I pray often that I will meet my eternal companion soon, and that I'll be prepared to meet him in the near future. However, I remind myself that God knows what's best for me and my own growth. Perhaps my mountain to climb in this life, is remaining a singleton. It's a trial just like any other, and some trials are meant to be carried for a lifetime. Some happy endings are saved for the afterlife.
Does the thought of having a life of celibate solitude make me feel sad? Of course. But amazingly enough, a life is still worth living even if it is a sad one.
Don't worry I'm not feeling picked on :-)
I have three sisters I'm used to getting lots of comments from girls :-)
It's not just girls who are judgemental round here, the guys can be too. One RM was heard to say that he considered all guys who didn't go on missions to be, well I won't repeat it suffice to say it wasn't very nice and he said it in a sunday school lesson.
iieee I know what you mean that the saying " There's someone for everyone" is a bt of cliche and some people never do find someone. And it's a possibility that does keep me awake and preys on my mind sometimes more then I like to admit. But it's a possibility that I don't want to dwell on and like most people I prefer the cliche, otherwise I might find it hard to get out of bed in the mornings.
It might be hard for me to imagine looking at the female YSA of the church, all these amazing beautiful, smart, talented girls that one might actually find something in me to like, but I'm going to keep hoping so I can keep going on. I think I have just a good a chance of getting a fairytale ending as anyone else. I'm just going to keep doing right and living the best life I can and just keep hoping.
That might so sad I know, but that's just me :-)
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