Outta My League

"Miss Smith is a very good sort of girl; and I should be happy to see her respectably settled. I wish her extremely well: and, no doubt, there are men who might not object to—Every body has their level." -Mr. Elton (Jane Austen, Emma).

It seems to be true that in dating everybody does have their "level." And everyone determines their level by different yardsticks. Some people's level is dependant on looks, others on intelligence, others on wealth and social status, and maybe others on morals, but usually it is some combination of above. The concept has always seemed a bit brutal and narrow minded to me. Of course not everyone is going to be a match with us, but how many people do people we refuse to even consider because we think they are beneath us, usually before we even know them at all. I have been on both ends of this phenomenon-the refuser and the refusee, but mostly the refusee which doesn't feel one bit fair I can tell you.

I see some of my friends go on a lot of dates, but really in their mind they have decided that most of these guys don't have a chance and the first date is just a courtesy date. Sometimes I can only look on and think, 'Hey I wouldn't totally love to go out with that guy and I'd give him a chance!' But those guys didn't ask me out because maybe they assume I'm not at their level.

As an example, recently a guy in my ward that had just moved from Provo said to my roommate, "Do you feel you like you had to lower your standards when you came up to Salt Lake? There's just not many beautiful or amazing girls like there were at BYU." When she told me about his comments I wanted to scream! First of all if I were going to assign him a "level" it wouldn't be in the top tier, so why is he acting like any amazing, beautiful girl would trip over herself to date him and second there are many amazing AND beautiful girls in Salt Lake, but with some of them you might have to get to know just a little bit better to realize it. Really he is not doing himself any favors by judging the girls around here so harshly.

I really enjoyed ii eee's comments from my last post. She said,

"The guy I'm dating right now--it's only been two months, so who knows where it will end up (although I admit to being quite hopeful)--is someone that I NEVER would have dated like, 2 years ago even. I mean, I would have gone out with him once, but he and I are exact opposites."

I think this is so awesome and I hope the best for them. Now if I may turn to Austen yet again, her characters Mr. Darcy and Miss Bennett didn't think much of each other when they first met. Mr. Darcy said of Miss Elizabeth Bennett-"She is tolerable, but not handsome enough to tempt me; I am in no humour at present to give consequence to young ladies who are slighted by other men." Elizabeth didn't think much of him either, but by the end of course they were madly in love and married. I think that is why Pride and Prejudice is the perfect title for their story and also the perfect description for the whole dating process. We are all proud and all prejudice in our own ways and it is only when we set aside these attributes that we have a chance of being happy and finding true love. Would anyone else agree?

Il Partner Ideale

So the other night my roommates and I were sitting around chatting and we came up with a little game. We would all make predictions about the other's future spouses and how we would meet them. It was really like telling bedtime stories and we definitely took artistic license with them. One of the proposals involved trained dolphins giving my roommate her engagement ring and one of the marriages involved getting married on the back of elephants in India. But we decided that all of our dream guys would be converts to the church.

So why would we all rather be married to converts than to men born and bred in the church? Well, no offense to all those sweet wonderful lifetime member guys, but the majority of lifers are ruining it for you! My roommates and I were pretty much in agreement that LDS guys can be very shallow and superficial, more so than many non-member men we have known! Why is this? As members shouldn't they have learned humility and charity and to look on people as God's children? I guess maybe they have assumed that these qualities don't extend to dating and finding a wife.

It seems to me that too many of the LDS guys I meet are really just interesting in dating overly made up, overly flirty young girls. Guys come on, look for some depth of character, try to really get to know some different kinds of girls instead of beelining it for the flashy ones. The truth is I have had more non-member guys interested in me than member guys. I dont' know if this mainly applys to Utah guys or if others out of state have noticed this same trend, but please let me know why this is.

Life will never be the same

So today I just finished reading the first book in the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer, a Mormon Mom from Arizona. Since last summer people (all women) having been telling me that I needed to read the book Twilight. I had some time this week so I finally sat down and read all 500 pages. It was a quick read, fun, and exciting. It made me feel like a teenage girl, giggling and feeling giddy at all the many good romantic parts and getting butterflies in my stomach.

Of course now that I've finished the book the problem is that life seems so dull and ordinary. How can anything in real life compare with breathtaking, dangerous Vampire/Human love? Today I felt dejected thinking how nothing in life could measure up to this fantasy. This book has warped my view of reality, how can anyone I date ever be a wonderful as Edward Cullen. I've noticed on facebook that there is group after group with names like this "Edward Cullen and Bella Swan gave me unrealistic expectations about love" or "Because of Edward Cullen human boys have lost their charm".

So is this what is wrong with relationships today-are we just totally unrealistic about what they should be like? When the giddiness of new love is gone and it starts to get hard do too many people just bail? I guess we could blame the media and I do frequently about their portrayals of a basically unreachable ideal. Someone in our stake presidency gave a talk last stake conference and he mentioned the media's power. He talked about one young man in the stake that decided to swear off all forms of media for a month or two. When asked about the result the young man said, "well everyone started to look a lot more attractive!" Very few people are really as attractive as the people in magazines and movies and they are making us look bad!

On the other hand, maybe this a cry by women everywhere that we want to be loved more and better. We want to be loved for who we are, clumsiness and all. We want to be loved for our human-ness, not our adherence to some uberhuman fantasy. If only everyone could love as well, as deeply as Edward maybe then life would be as good as any novel.

Nice Girls Finish Last?

(Hi guys, Here is a post from a friend of mine. I thought you'd enjoy hearing her thoughts on the dating and what not.)

Being a 26 year old single girl, I have had a lot of time to observe relationships and here are just a few of my observations.

The nice girls always finish last-meaning the nice girls are never the ones that are getting married. I consider myself to be a pretty nice girl. I feel that I will treat my future husband very well and also feel that I treat other people very well, considering. I have noticed that the girls that are the ones getting married are not so nice. I watch my sister-in-law for example. She is so mean to my brother. Nothing is ever good enough for her, and every time I am around her, she is telling him what to do. It’s always, Mark (name has been changed) get me that pencil, Mark go wash the dishes, Mark we are going to go visit my family this week, Mark I don’t feel good so we can’t be with your family, Mark I want I want I want. I feel that my brother is always giving so much to her, and she whines so she can get her way. Granted, my brother is dumb enough to fall into her traps, but still. I have even seen him change when he is around our family in order to make her happy. Again, he falls into her traps, but he is a different person since he married her because of the way she treats him.

Independent girls also don’t get the guys. So I can change a light bulb myself. Whoop de doo. So I can change the door knobs on my front door by myself. It’s really not that hard. Who cares? Apparently the guys do. For some reason guys have this need to feel needed. They like it when helpless girls to ask them to do simple favors for them. When a girl asks a guy to do a favor for her, he falls immediately in love with her and will do anything for her. Why is that? What is it about the girl who can’t do anything when a guy is around that attracts them?

It is necessary to touch every guy nonstop when he is around. Story-so I lived with two really annoying girls that somehow were able to mesmerize any guy that walked into our house. I believe it was because they would touch every guy and just hold onto his arm the whole time he was there. How am I supposed to talk to a guy when my roommates were hanging onto him and would not let go of his arm? I couldn’t do it. No, I’m not jealous. I really am not. But it was really annoying when every guy that entered into our house was somehow sucked into their trap.

This last one is just a frustration story about a previous roommate. At one time she was dating three different guys at the same time. I’m sorry, but I just don’t see how you can feel good about yourself when you are dating three people at once. The first guy she met while working together. They went out for probably over a year. She couldn’t decide if she liked him, but really it was that he wasn’t attractive enough for her. So then came along guy #2 with beautiful eyes, but she said she just couldn’t talk to him like she could talk to guy #1. She wished guy #1 looked like guy #2 or that guy #2 could communicate like guy #1 could. Personally, I think there is more to a guy than being beautiful. I would rather date somebody that is not so hot and be able to communicate with him. But maybe I’m not like most people. While trying to decide between guy #1 and guy #2, guy #3 came along. He was funny, but I don’t think he was beautiful enough either. Either way, at one point, she was dating three different guys at the same time. She finally decided guy #1 wasn’t beautiful enough, guy #2 wasn’t a good enough communicator, and I think guy #4 came along before she was happy with guy #3. So currently she is dating guy #4 and things are apparently going well. Good luck to her. Do you want to know the twist-at her surprise birthday party, guy #1, guy #2, guy #3, and guy #4 were all there. How’s that for awkward?

Anyway, I probably sound like I’m bitter, but I’m really not. I've just seen a lot of guys friends ruined by girls. And I think it’s interesting that the whiny, dependent, touchy girls are the ones that get the guys. Don’t guys want to be treated kindly and be able to have some sort of freedom? Maybe I just need to change my ways and become helpless and needy…Please come rub my feet for me boys, and while you're at it, take me on expensive dates because that's what I deserve.

Spinster Stories

So I've started to recruit some of my single friends to help me write posts and give me spinster anecdotes that you may find interesting. I obviously am having a hard time writing consistently and need some help, plus I like to hear what you think to. So if any of y'all out there would like to swap stories just email me.

Here is a little anecdote from my dear single friend about the ideas some guys have out there. You know there is prejudice out there to spinsters, but instead of getting mad, lets laugh about it.

"One evening I went to a 25+ LDS Young Adult Speed Dating Night. I figured, what would it hurt? At the time I forgot to figure in pride and/or ego in that equation. As I was chatting with a handsome young man, he asked me about my apartment and roommates. I explained that I had a lovely apartment all of my own, and that I had not lived with roommates for a few years. He was shocked, and wondered why. I told him that even though I had enjoyed having roommates, I was now in a position to be able to create my own little place in the world. I thought he would think I was ambitious, or financially responsible, or anything other than what he did. He replied that he thought it was a mistake for a woman to live on her own before marriage because having roommates will teach her how to negotiate and compromise--crucial qualities in getting along with her husband. While I agreed that compromise is important, I reminded him that I had lived with the same group of roommates for several years, and that we had gotten along quite well--in spite of every one's quirks--and I didn't think I had forgotten the life skills I had learned during those years. He strongly disagreed, but when I asked about his living situation, he admitted he'd never moved away from home, except to serve a mission. Sorry man, but one thing I learned while living with roommates is that our dating lives occasionally required us to say no to a man and dodge a bullet. Consider yourself dodged.

During that same evening, I had the chance to meet another gentleman who was quite interesting. As we asked about hobbies, he replied that he quite enjoys knitting. Fancy that--I have a brother that knits too! This man started describing what his preferred knitting method was, and explaining why he collects antique buttons, when I interrupted with, "Can you macrame too?" He sharply informed me that macrame was not akin to knitting at all, and I was being ignorant. As he huffed away (nose in the air and all), I thought to myself, "What have I done now? Me and my sarcasm!" I'm sure he left thinking it was obvious why I'm single."

I think her humor went over his head, she is pretty sharp and witty. I think it was no bad thing that she didn't go out again with either of them!