Thursday, November 12, 2009

Blog Crush

I just found a new spinster blog that I just love. It's got a clever title, First Person Singular. The author is a spinster like me albeit she is more sophisticated and hipper than me and isn't Mormon. I like the contrast and although we're different we still have the same spinster issues. I appreciated this recent post, http://firstpersonsingular.org/2009/10/19/post-wedding-blues/, about the post wedding blues. My favorite quote from her post, "weddings are tough. They bring up a special mix of highs and lows-from overflowing joy for the triumph of love, to the demon question: why have I been excluded from this most natural human act?"

She brings up a good point. As singletons I think we dwell on that sometimes, "what did I do wrong or what is wrong with me that I'm not married?" "Why have I been excluded?" The answer of course is unknowable, which makes it all the more tempting think about. We can work on "improving" ourselves to get married, but how do we know we're improving the right things? Really it just is what it is. That's what I have to tell myself and before delve headlong into a sad state (which you can't avoid every now and then but anyway). I am single-fact; now what can I do to enjoy my life and help others?

As with any trial asking why doesn't get us as far as asking what can I gain from this experience. It sounds trite I know, but I think I am a more compassionate person because I've gone through this experience of spinsterhood. Hopefully there are some other good character attributes I've gained as well. I wish I could say it was patience, but I'm not a very patient person. Although, maybe I am more so than I would have been had I married at 19 or something. Anyway, Elder Uchtdorf recently gave a talk and said something I found to be spot on, "Do not wait for someone else to make your life complete. Stop second guessing yourself and wondering if you are defective...seek learning, become engaged in a meaningful career and seek fulfillment in service to others." I like that man.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

The Sounds of Spinsterness

I've written about spinster movies and tv shows before, but never about spinster music. I had never really thought about it before until I recently discovered the music of Feist. Ok I'm probably late to the game on this discovery, but she is wonderful, amazing and I love all, yes, every one of her songs. And her music just seems to resonate with the spinster in me and as far as I've been able to find out she is herself a spinster. Some of my favorites of hers that have spinster themes to me have to be "Secret Heart", "Mushaboom", "I Feel it All", and"1234."
See http://www.listentofeist.com/.

So that made me think about what other music I find particularly suited to spinsterhood. I would definitely add to the list most things sung by Billie Holiday, especially "Lover Man" and "You Go to My Head." Dixie Chicks also have empowering music for spinsters, like "Wide Open Spaces" and "Earl had to Die." Does anyone have any ideas who else could be added to this list?

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Late Bloomer

I've decided I'm a self enforced late bloomer, which really just means I'm a procrastinator. I know this about myself, so I really shouldn't be suprised I'm a spinster. I mean I leave everything else to the last minute, so why not marriage. And it is starting to feel very last minute, eleventh hourish even-at least in the have a family department (because of course you can get married at any time in your life). I think having to move over to a mid-single's ward really made me wake up and say, Hey! You don't have forever to get it all together, so start doing something now!

So I have, I've started making improvements in my life and things are starting to come together in ways I had hardly hoped for. So wish me luck, this could be the beginning of a brand new me-or just an improved newer version of myself, SITC 2.1.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Ask Ms. Spinster..

Hello friends,
Have you been dying to ask a spinster-related question? Well you are in luck, I'm now taking questions and giving the best spinster advice/ideas/empathy around.

This was my friend Jenn's idea and I think it will be fun to hear what people are wondering.
So email me at ldsspinster@gmail.com and oh course your name will be confidential and not posted. Just the questions and my response. So put your thinking caps on and email me!

Monday, October 12, 2009

Facebook Group!

Awhile ago I formed a Facebook group-The Mormon Spinster Society! You will find me there as Ima Spinster. If anyone would like to join the group I think it could be a fun way to network and maybe get the word out about the blog. I am still contemplating have a face to face spinster activity in Salt Lake. I know this would ruin my anonymity, but I would love to interact with some of my local spinsters. Anyway let me know what you think!

Friday, October 9, 2009

The Ties That Bind

Well my dear Spinsters and Spinster affliated friends, it's been a busy month. I've moved residences (I'm still in Salt Lake City though!), been juggling two jobs and been entertaining company from out of the country. But maybe the real reason I haven't written is that there just have been no spinster highs or lows that have whipped me up into a passion. Like I said in a previous post I've been very content lately in my spinsterhood, very at peace with it. Maybe that means I don't need this blog anymore. But I will of course keep writing if I think this provides any solace or an outlet to any of my spinster sisters.

There has been one topic that has been on my mind lately. A few weeks ago I was reaquainted with a single gal in my mid-singles ward that I had known in college. She had recently moved into town and had previously been living for the past five years with her sister and her's sister's family and also near some of her siblings and their families. Because she was single her family just assumed that she had lots of time to do them favors and babysit their children all the time. She of course loved spending time with her nieces and nephews, but it did become a burden and she felt like she needed to move to get herself out of the situation.

So this got me thinking, what kind of burdens do we bear and what kind of sacrifices do with make for our family because we are single? I think we do much more for our families then they ever realize or maybe even appreciate. I only have one sister and she lives in another country with her husband and kids. I don't think she realizes the financial sacrifices I have made to go and visit her numerous times in this other place. I am also now thinking of delaying getting a fulltime job so I can spend more time with them when they visit for a month over the holidays! Not only that but I feel like I have more responsibility to help and spend time with my parents because I am the only child living nearby. I also sometimes think that I possibly shouldn't move away from Utah because I don't want to leave my parent's all alone.

I think these things have impinged on me financially and socially, even though I love to see my family. So what burdens have you borne for your family because of your singleness? Do they think you have all the time in the world to help them because you don't have your own family? I'd like to hear your thoughts.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Single with a Purpose: Guest Post

In response to my Single with a purpose post, my friend agreed to write down some of her thoughts on the topic. Thanks friend, it's always good to hear different points of view. Take a look:

"I found your post about being single with a purpose very thought-provoking, and it caused me reflect on my life and the unique opportunities I've had because of my spinster status. I'd like to share just a couple.

When I was 25, I started working for a not-for-profit agency and had the privilege of rubbing shoulders with some pretty influential politicians because I planned fundraisers and other events. Those few moments spent with people of influence turned into an invitation to attend a conference at which several employees of various helping agencies were able to put forward ideas to these politicians about how to help families struggling with poverty, domestic violence, immigration laws and many other issues. When it was my turn to discuss these issues, I took a big leap of faith and described the visiting teaching program, and how it could be applied in a social sense. For example, families established in our communities could volunteer as visiting families to ones newly establishing themselves, and visit the newcomers on a regular monthly basis, and assist them in ways that are needed, mainly friendshipping.

Although I knew I was out on a limb, many of the people present found the idea exciting and very adaptable to all the needs we were discussing. Even though I have since left that career and community, I have had success stories relayed to me by families that experienced this very new way to visit teach. Even though I believe strongly that raising a family is the highest goal I could ever achieve, had I been home raising children at this point, none of that would have happened.

Also, two years ago I unexpectedly lost my job, and was devastated, and the only comfort I could find was to tell myself that I at least I was only providing for myself. True, but not very helpful in the moment. As I interviewed for a new position, I felt like I was spinning my wheels and tried hard to keep my chin up rejection after rejection. Finally, after two months, one place I had interviewed with a month earlier and had felt so positive about after the interview, tracked me down and offered me the position because due to unforeseen circumstances, the chosen applicant had to turn it down, and I was the runner-up. I knew it was risky to move several hours away to a community I'd only ever been to for that interview, and for a temporary contract no less, but no other jobs were forthcoming, so I grudgingly accepted.

That move turned out to be one of the best decisions of my life. Not only was my career building in ways I'd never dreamed and my contract made permanent, I felt myself growing spiritually in ways I had long desired, and my social life was stronger than ever. The most interesting part of this whole experience was that the person whose position I was filling on a temporary basis turned out to be part of a branch that had long been missing from my ancestry's family tree.

The diligent genealogists in my family had searched for this branch for years, and never could find information on that name, and here I was working in one of the descendant's office. She and I have a great relationship, and through this unexpected twist of fate, our families have been reunited. I'm positive at some point the Lord would have found a way for our families to find each other no matter what, but I feel it was a privilege to be the instrument of reuniting these two families, and grateful that although it was difficult circumstances that caused me to move in the first place, my spinster circumstances gave the flexibility needed to do what was required."

Does anyone else have any experiences they'd like to share?

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Stages of Spinster Grief

So I have a theory that most spinsters go through a grieving period just like any person who has had some kind of major personal loss. And I think this grieving period follows the stages of grief that go along with it-you know: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. This is called the K├╝bler-Ross model by the way (I just learned that on wikipedia 5 minutes ago-http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model).

I think I could name a different friend experiencing each one of these stages now. I myself have cycled through each of them a few times and I think I have finally now come to the acceptance stage. I have probably spent the most time in the anger and depression stages and sometimes still have those feelings, but mostly now I just feel like it's going to be okay. Accepting isn't neccesarily giving up or even believing that I'll never get married. It's more a feeling like this is how my life is, I am single, whether I like it or not and I can be happy and find purpose and enjoyment in my life no matter what. It's more about accepting your life as it is and finding peace, which feels pretty great.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Single with a Purpose

I think when it comes to marriage a lot of LDS spinsters feel like they've been sideswiped. All the sudden they are celebrating their 29th, 30th, 31st birthday (and beyond) and they are wondering what happened? I thought I would be married by now, I wanted to be married, what did I do wrong? Isn't it funny that that is the first thing we may ask ourselves- what did I do wrong? Was I not righteous enough? Should I have put myself out there more? Should I have married that one dude, even though I wasn't 100% (or even 75%) sure about it? I guess it's possible that we could have made a few bad choices or passed up a few opportunities that got us to where we are, but what I think is more likely is that there is a purpose to our singleness or at least we can find purpose in it.

When I first went to my mid-single's ward sacrament I was sitting in the front row and I turned around and just saw a sea of spinsters all between the ages of 31 to 45. For the most part they looked like with-it women. At first I thought,"how sad, look at all these single women," but then the more I thought about it, I thought, "look at all these women and think about how much good they probably do for the community around them. Look at how useful they are to society. They probably all have full time jobs and are being a good influence on the people they work with and for and are accomplishing neccessary, even great things. They probably spend a good amount of time serving the people around them as well." Yes, the Lord needs good mothers, but he also needs these single women serving wherever they are.

It was an uplifting thought and one that I'm glad to share. It's very likely many of these women will marry one day, later then they thought they would, but everyone in life is on a different timetable and we have different things to accomplish in this life and different places we are needed. How do we know our life isn't going just as it should? Maybe we really are on-course, at least that is the way I like to think about it, what do you think?

Monday, August 17, 2009

Family vs. Single ward Update

Here's an update-So I've started attending the older single's ward with my roommate and the people are so so much more friendly than in my family ward. Many people have talked to me and introduced themselves, just the way people at church should. I just find it sad that a single person should be made to feel that the only way they can fit in is in a single's ward (at least in Utah). I call my new ward the Leper colony, not because the people there are in any way unwell, but because the community at large has forced us to associate only with ourselves and not with them. Which is really unfortunate, because single people really have a lot to offer a ward.

Anyway, please don't think that I let this subject consume me. I usually don't think about it until Saturday night when I realize that church is tomorrow. And this is a time of adjustment for me, so hopefully things will start to run more smoothly now. What I really wanted to do here is bring the subject to light and let my fellow spinsters know that, hey, I understand how you feel.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Where do all the lonely people go?

My new ward isn't getting any easier. I thought I was making progress because the ward clerk called me in for an interview with the bishop. I thought good maybe I can get to know the bishop a little and I will get a calling. Not so good. They called me as a family history consultant-the fourth or fifth time I've had that job. Don't get me wrong, I love genealogy, but this calling is not going to get me involved in the ward much. It's not a calling I can only do in a family ward. Also, it is a frustrating job because no one wants to do their family history and ward members will probably try to avoid me more than they already do!

We'll see how it goes, but I now can totally understand comments I've heard from spinsters who have become or have contemplated becoming inactive in church at this time in their lives. It's so hard to be a part of a family ward, when you aren't welcomed in, when you are seen as an outsider merely because of your marital status. Part of the reason for going to church is to become part of a community of saints, but if the community rejects you or doesn't understand you or even try to understand you, where do you go?

My roommate has recently started going to a mid-singles adult ward in Salt Lake. She told me today that some of the women she talked to there have said that if it wasn't for this ward they would have gone inactive. A sad but understandable fact. I attended this ward with my roommate once. It's a unique ward, as far as I know there are only about five of their kind in Utah. Personally I didn't like what I saw. The ward was huge-it almost felt like stake conference. I thought there is no way I can get to know even a third of these people. And as I turned around from my pew and looked at the sea of faces, all it seems I could see were women. And as it turns out there are three Relief Societies! It just didn't feel like the place of me, but now I am wondering if it is my best option if I don't want to cry every week after church. Hmm...

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Only the Lonely

So I've finally made the switch to a family ward and I had no idea that the transition would be so hard. The worst part is sitting alone and not knowing anyone. I would have thought more people would introduce themselves or be outgoing. I should have been, but I really just don't feel like I fit in. I am pretty much the only person in the ward my age and in my situation.

Actually the other week in sacrament (the 3rd hour in this ward), I was sitting all alone, practically on my own pew, and I just couldn't take it. Tears started welling up in my eyes and I just had to get out of there. So I slowly walked out and feigned that I was headed to the restroom or to get a drink or something, but then I made for the parking lot and to my car where I just balled. I know it sounds silly and I'm usually not that emotional, but the weight of spinster loneliness just hit me. Isn't that the thing that spinsters abhor most about the idea of singleness-being alone, really truly alone? Or as Bridget Jones fears "and I'd finally die fat and alone and be found three weeks later, half-eaten by wild dogs."

Why I am so afraid of being alone? I'm rarely alone unless I want to be. I rarely feel lonely, it's really just the idea that I may in the future be very lonely that scares me. But that hasn't happen yet. Why do I spend my time worrying about something that may or may not happen? And it's not just single people that get lonely. I'm sure from time to time everyone has those feelings. I think it was just at the moment all my fears felt realized. I know that as I get to know people and get a calling things will be better. But when do I get to that point?

Monday, May 18, 2009

Outta My League

"Miss Smith is a very good sort of girl; and I should be happy to see her respectably settled. I wish her extremely well: and, no doubt, there are men who might not object to—Every body has their level." -Mr. Elton (Jane Austen, Emma).

It seems to be true that in dating everybody does have their "level." And everyone determines their level by different yardsticks. Some people's level is dependant on looks, others on intelligence, others on wealth and social status, and maybe others on morals, but usually it is some combination of above. The concept has always seemed a bit brutal and narrow minded to me. Of course not everyone is going to be a match with us, but how many people do people we refuse to even consider because we think they are beneath us, usually before we even know them at all. I have been on both ends of this phenomenon-the refuser and the refusee, but mostly the refusee which doesn't feel one bit fair I can tell you.

I see some of my friends go on a lot of dates, but really in their mind they have decided that most of these guys don't have a chance and the first date is just a courtesy date. Sometimes I can only look on and think, 'Hey I wouldn't totally love to go out with that guy and I'd give him a chance!' But those guys didn't ask me out because maybe they assume I'm not at their level.

As an example, recently a guy in my ward that had just moved from Provo said to my roommate, "Do you feel you like you had to lower your standards when you came up to Salt Lake? There's just not many beautiful or amazing girls like there were at BYU." When she told me about his comments I wanted to scream! First of all if I were going to assign him a "level" it wouldn't be in the top tier, so why is he acting like any amazing, beautiful girl would trip over herself to date him and second there are many amazing AND beautiful girls in Salt Lake, but with some of them you might have to get to know just a little bit better to realize it. Really he is not doing himself any favors by judging the girls around here so harshly.

I really enjoyed ii eee's comments from my last post. She said,

"The guy I'm dating right now--it's only been two months, so who knows where it will end up (although I admit to being quite hopeful)--is someone that I NEVER would have dated like, 2 years ago even. I mean, I would have gone out with him once, but he and I are exact opposites."

I think this is so awesome and I hope the best for them. Now if I may turn to Austen yet again, her characters Mr. Darcy and Miss Bennett didn't think much of each other when they first met. Mr. Darcy said of Miss Elizabeth Bennett-"She is tolerable, but not handsome enough to tempt me; I am in no humour at present to give consequence to young ladies who are slighted by other men." Elizabeth didn't think much of him either, but by the end of course they were madly in love and married. I think that is why Pride and Prejudice is the perfect title for their story and also the perfect description for the whole dating process. We are all proud and all prejudice in our own ways and it is only when we set aside these attributes that we have a chance of being happy and finding true love. Would anyone else agree?

Never too late?

Well this just throws the "timeline" out the window.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2009/may/16/66-year-old-mother

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Destined to Spinst

Spinst can that be the verb form of Spinster? Anyway, the question that I have been asking myself for awhile is-was I born to be a spinster? Some people say that they always felt that they would never marry or marry late in life. I never felt that when I was younger, but sometimes I wonder if I just fit the spinster stereotype a little too well. First off I work in a library. So I'm a librarian of sorts. I can just see Donna Reed walking out of the library in glasses and frumpy clothes in It's a Wonderful Life, when Jimmy Stewart sees how his wife would have ended up without him. Why do so many people picture a librarian when they think spinster?

Also I like to garden and do genealogy-(maybe that just sounds like a retiree, I don't know). And I do like cardigans. What does this say about me? Plus maybe I am a tad frumpy and a little round around the edges, but I don't wear glasses. I wear contacts. And I never wear a bun in my hair. I also don't own any cats. So no one can call me a crazy cat lady, but sheesh it's still not very comforting. I've accepted my Spinsterhood to an extent, but I would like to think it was a choice not my destiny!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Oh Blog!

So do you ever get bummed out reading some people's blogs? I do. Some blogs are the equivalent of a Christmas newletter. They relate only the best things about a person or family's life and make it look perfect or at least better than yours. Everyone seems accomplished and happy and good looking. And the worst of these kinds of blogs are the ones from people your own age or even younger, people you went to high school with or even people your siblings' age.

Recently an old friend from high school added me as a friend on facebook. Fine. Good. Then I happened to see she had a blog posted on her profile so I went to it. It was an alright blog. She had a cute family- two little kids. It made me feel a wee bit envious, but happy for her. Then I saw a link on her blogroll to a blog that linked toother blogs from people that graduated the same year I did. This was a mistake, because as I perused through blog after blog of my peers with pictures and stories of their spouses, and kids, and homes, and great jobs, etc. ad nauseum, I got nauseated. Yet I couldn't stop looking at them. I felt like in comparison, my life couldn't compare. It was like, "look at everything you missed and can never have."

I will admit that it wasn't totally logical thinking, but the raw emotion of it overwhelmed me-a moment of spinster weakness perhaps. It's hard to see people you grew up with and not compare yourself to them. Oh course they have struggles and problems and maybe I wouldn't want to trade places with them, but from now on I'm taking those kind of blogs in smaller doses. It's safer that way. Does anyone have any similar experiences?

Thursday, April 23, 2009

I'm here, I'm here

Hello dear readers, your friendly neighborhood Spinster here. If you have been wondering where I have been and if I'm ever going to post again, I'm here and I will! It seems like most bloggers have a post like this every few months explaining why they aren't blogging and why. Well this is the last post of this sort you'll get from me, because I've come to the conclusion I will never be a consistent blogger. I wait until I have like 5 or 6 topics that I'm just busting at the seams to write about and then I will post in fits and spurts until I feel like I've exhausted all my ideas.
And sometimes I do feel like I've run out of ideas since I have been writing this blog for over a year now and my topic is kind of a narrow one. Actually the other day I realized that I had written a post that was almost identical to one I had written a year before! Oops. (See single vs. family wards) I guess I'm still going through the same issues, so I just need to keep blogging it out. A wise person once said, "It's not one thing after another, its the same thing over and over."
Since it has been over a year since the blog began I thought I'd perhaps do an overview of where this site is at. It started as a small blog and will stay a small blog or should I say a niche blog. I started it specifically for the Mormon spinster so I haven't gone around advertising it to just anyone. Mostly I've told my friends who have told their friends or people have just stumbled upon it while doing google searches.
In fact if you search "LDS spinster" I'm the top two hits you get. Also if you search just "spinster blog" I'm the second hit you get and the same for "spinster stories." I actually love looking at my sitemeter and finding out how people end up on my site. Here are some of the recents searches that have found me: "nice girls finish lonely"; "Join a nunnery"; "groceries for one"; "Virgins in their thirties" (I'm not sure just who is doing this search); "I feel like an old spinster" and "love taxi"(huh?). Anyway I love the many paths that lead to me.
As for my other stats-I have 17 subscribers on Google reader and 3 followers on blogger.com. And as far as I know I'm on 10 blogrolls on other blogs. So all in all not a runaway success, but not bad. I'm pleased. If you do feel so inclined though go ahead and add me to your google reader, blogroll or become a follower or my favorite thing of all leave a comment! Also if you have any great ideas for posts I'd love to hear them or if you think your blog should be on my blogroll let me know. Ok I guess that's it from me, but you will be hearing from me soon, I have a whole list of spinster issues to rant about-ahh, just what you've been waiting for. ;)

Monday, March 16, 2009

Friends by chance, Sisters by choice

So I've decided that the best way to be a good Spinster is to have a spinster sister to live with and share your inheritance with. That used to be quite popular over a hundred years ago, I can think of one set of spinster sisters in my own genealogy-this is a shout out to Martha and Chancenie Dungy, who never married and lived together all their life in Alabama and Tennessee. We also see a good deal of spinster sisters in literature. My roommates and I recently watched the Masterpiece Theater miniseries-Cranford, which revolves around two spinster sisters and their large group of spinster and widow friends. Actually, as far as we could tell almost no one in the town was actually married.
But, as I only have one sister and she has been married for nigh on eight years now, the next best thing for me is roommates of my same age and situation. I have three roommates all between the ages of 27 and 31 and they are great fun. We have interesting conversations which include a lot of laughter, we eat together fairly often and throw parties together as well. We also go on the occasional road trip and outing together too. It's been loads of fun actually, so I think I will adopt them and make them my spinster sisters, and as I've said for a spinster there is nothing better.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

The Road to Hell is Paved with Good Intentions

Some of the comments from my last post have spurred me to write a post about parents and relatives that say or do things that really hurt even though their intentions may be good.

As a follow up to my last story there is another little tidbit to add. My Dad likes to make lists and resolutions, goals, mission statements, etc., that everyone else in the family usually ignores because either they are cheesy or just really far out there. Anyway, last weekend I saw a paper in a pile that was labeled "Things to do before the Millenium"(this is classic Dad stuff). One of the things was- "To do all I can to see my children happily married for eternity" or something like that. So I guess asking me about internet dating was a part of reaching this goal, but it made me feel kind of deflated, because obviously my sister has been married for awhile, so this goal was all about me. It was a good intention, but made me feel like a "project", and who wants to feel like that? I have some other stories of this sort to share as well.

My dear friend told me that recently her mother had said to her when discussing dating and guys and what-not, "Honey, do you think it will ever happen," meaning of course, do you think you will ever get married? Now my friend said her Mom said this nicely and with all compassion, but needless to say she didn't like the comment, in fact she was a little shocked that her Mom had actually said it.

I have a very similar story of my own, mind you this was a good FIVE years ago and I had just finished college and was kind of at a loss of what to do with myself and more than a little depressed. In a conversation with just the two of us, my brother-in-law said to me, "Do you think you'll ever (emphasis on ever) get married?" I was floored, I wish I would have gotten mad at him, but in the state I was in it was all I could do to fight back the tears. Now this very pointed question was said very doubtingly as if he was sure that it would never happen. I wasn't even that old and already he was telling me it was over for me. Obviously he had no faith in me which made me have less faith in myself. I thought, dang it, who else is thinking this. I honestly have never forgiven him for being so thoughtless and taking my greatest insecurity and trampling all over it.

Now I know what some of you will say, get over it, don't be mad, who cares what other people think or thought, don't let it get to you, but easier said than done. Some times other people's words infest our minds like parasites, feeding on our peace of mind. Wouldn't it be better to just be encouraging and not make people think there is something wrong with them or that they are unloveable? Actually I am a lot more resilient (but not immune) now then I was back then. I have come to understand more through the years about life and how it's not really fair or predictable and that there is a lot about spinsterhood that I really like and there are many ways my life could have turned out worse but it hasn't. So even though my Dad would like to see me married, I would just rather see me happy in whatever form that takes. The end.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Internet "Dating": Fact or Ficiton

So my last post mentioned something about internet dating, which for myself I am against. Not that I don't know some people it has worked for, but personally it's not my style and I think it complicates the whole dating process. So when I went out to lunch with my Dad this week I was dismayed when he offered to pay for any and all LDS dating sites that I wished to become a member of. He told me this story about how his secretary's daughter meet her fiance on an LDS site and how it's all roses and rainbows. I told him straight out that won't be necessary and let's not talk about it anymore. I guess I should have been touched my Dad was thinking of me, but really it kind of makes me feel like the wayward daughter that can't pull it together and just get married already. I don't know how I want my parents to feel about my singleness. I kind of just want them to not really be concerned or worried, because then that makes me feel that way. So then here's my questions-how do your parent's feel about your single sitch and how do you feel about internet dating?

Monday, February 23, 2009

Too Many Choices...

Apparently Time magazine has their finger on the heartbeat of the American single's scene. I found this article interesting and I'm giving you the most relevant bits. For the whole article go to: Advice for the New Dating Game By Belinda Luscombe Thursday, Feb. 12, 2009 http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1879191,00.html

"Some of them are respected scientists. Some of them are psychologists. At least one of them is a briefly married former TV-morning-show host. A surprising number of them are stand-up comedians. And they all want to give you dating advice. If you're single and don't wish to be, have they got a TV show/book/scientific theory for you! As if you haven't suffered enough.

According to the most recent census figures, about 84 million Americans ages 20 to 75 are unmarried or separated. Even if only half of them want to find a spouse, that's a nice fat target for the media to aim at in a market where such uniformity of desire is rare. So while dating and mating instructions are probably as old as Australopithecus (Tip 1: "Stand up straighter"), right now the advice-o-meter is running hot. When a coupling manual turned movie--He's Just Not That Into You--is a box-office hit, something's up.

How bad is the dating scene? Bad enough that a production company believes it can find four adults willing to have spouses chosen for them by their friends and family, marry them and allow their subsequent domestic life to be broadcast on CBS. (Because what could possibly go wrong in your first year of wedlock to a stranger?) Other lonely hearts have already submitted to having their mate-finding woes aired on cable. Yes, there have been dating shows before, but none quite so DIY as three offered by FLN, the network formerly known for fancy cooking and curtain-choosing. Wingman, in which comedian Michael Somerville acts as a dating sidekick, premiered Feb. 10. How to Find a Husband, a British import, arrives in April. The network is also developing Love Taxi, in which a cab driver plays matchmaker. Dating, camera, New York City taxi--the discomfort trifecta."

(This next paragraph I find the most interesting)
"Has it come to this? Is dating really that hard? Sociologists have long agreed that the two key factors of mate choice are proximity and timing. We choose from those around us, generally two to five years after we finish our education. But at least one of those pillars is eroding. Online dating has meant that our pool of potential mates is much bigger. The opportunity cost of giving up on a potential suitor is lower. And it's more work to find the wheat in all that chaff.

This is made more complicated by our new living patterns, says New York University sociologist Dalton Conley, whose book Elsewhere, U.S.A. examines how our work and domestic realms collide. "Social proximity is more defining now," he says. "It's class- or occupation-based. Doctors marry doctors instead of nurses." Conley points out that in the past 30 years, the social norms for mate selection have completely flipped: there are fewer prohibitions on whom you can marry, most women work outside the home, and the digital dating landscape is a whole new terrain. "The last change of this significance was the introduction of the Pill," he says."

-Ok back to me, so I have long thought the dating pool is just too big. There are too many choices, it's overwhelming. People aren't willing to take the time to get to really get to know people, they just move on because there is a never ending stream of single people or as I like to joke, a never ending stream of 18 and 19 year old girls at institute or in the single's ward! But doesn't that really define our generation, the phrase "too much?"We are the "Too much Generation" and now it's coming to back to bite us in the butt.

For more single's statistics- see my topics side bar on the right.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

To Family Ward or not to Family Ward...

You won't notice if you only read me on google reader, but I've revamped the blog a bit. I have a new background(much more interesting I think) and I've updated my quote of the week(or whenever I get around to it) and the Spinster of the week and I've added a new spinster blog link. So check it out. Anyway, enough about business, onto the topic at hand.

So I'm thinking of going to a family ward. (Gasp!) I'm really tired of the singles ward scene and I've noticed I'm not really making an effort to really get to know and become friends with people in the ward. I'm just kind of coasting. The same goes for my calling too. I teach Relief Society once a month for like 30 minutes and that's it. I don't really feel like I'm contributing much. Also I think I want to get moving along before I get too old and they make me move along. I never want to have that conversation with the bishop.

I think going to the family ward might be an interesting change and it definitely would be more diverse than the singles ward, age-wise and experience-wise. Also, I know not everyone would say this, but I'd really like to work in the Young Women's organization. I feel like that would be an important contribution. I can't think of a harder time in life for girls than than the 12-18 years. I had a really good experience in YW and had some amazing leaders. I hope I could be a good influence on the girls and if nothing else I could teach them that they need to plan their lives so that if they're not married by 21 or even 23 they have other things in life to look forward to.

But here's the problem, I am not looking forward to going to church alone and sitting by myself. I also will probably be the only one in my age or situation. How will I make friends that can hang out on the weekend, go to the movies whenever? They will probably all have families to take care of. My roommate that is 31 is contemplating going to an older single adult ward (31-100), but I just don't think I could handle that. I've heard strange things. Blah, choices.

Have I mentioned I don't really like the idea of singles wards? Oh maybe their fine when you're going to college, but after that I think they are so artificial. They perpetuate the Peter Pan syndrome I think. Maybe I have said too much, but the truth is I don't really feel like I fit into any of these places. What is a spinster to do? Any ideas?

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Be back soon...

Ok, ok. The holidays are over as are finals so now I finally have some time to post. I have a lot of things to write about, but at the same time I don't want to sound too "whiny." I was reading one spinster blog and the author made the comment that most of these types of blogs are usually "whiny." Do I fall into this category? I don't want to be all woe is me, but at the same time I view this as my support group and if I can't express how I feel here, where can I? I want to express how I really feel about real issues, about the ups and downs of spinsterhood and the double standards I see in this social system we're a part of. So if you feel I complain too bitterly, I'd be happy to refer you to another more upbeat spinster blog, but if you can empathize with me then leave a comment and let me know!