Some of the comments from my last post have spurred me to write a post about parents and relatives that say or do things that really hurt even though their intentions may be good.
As a follow up to my last story there is another little tidbit to add. My Dad likes to make lists and resolutions, goals, mission statements, etc., that everyone else in the family usually ignores because either they are cheesy or just really far out there. Anyway, last weekend I saw a paper in a pile that was labeled "Things to do before the Millenium"(this is classic Dad stuff). One of the things was- "To do all I can to see my children happily married for eternity" or something like that. So I guess asking me about internet dating was a part of reaching this goal, but it made me feel kind of deflated, because obviously my sister has been married for awhile, so this goal was all about me. It was a good intention, but made me feel like a "project", and who wants to feel like that? I have some other stories of this sort to share as well.
My dear friend told me that recently her mother had said to her when discussing dating and guys and what-not, "Honey, do you think it will ever happen," meaning of course, do you think you will ever get married? Now my friend said her Mom said this nicely and with all compassion, but needless to say she didn't like the comment, in fact she was a little shocked that her Mom had actually said it.
I have a very similar story of my own, mind you this was a good FIVE years ago and I had just finished college and was kind of at a loss of what to do with myself and more than a little depressed. In a conversation with just the two of us, my brother-in-law said to me, "Do you think you'll ever (emphasis on ever) get married?" I was floored, I wish I would have gotten mad at him, but in the state I was in it was all I could do to fight back the tears. Now this very pointed question was said very doubtingly as if he was sure that it would never happen. I wasn't even that old and already he was telling me it was over for me. Obviously he had no faith in me which made me have less faith in myself. I thought, dang it, who else is thinking this. I honestly have never forgiven him for being so thoughtless and taking my greatest insecurity and trampling all over it.
Now I know what some of you will say, get over it, don't be mad, who cares what other people think or thought, don't let it get to you, but easier said than done. Some times other people's words infest our minds like parasites, feeding on our peace of mind. Wouldn't it be better to just be encouraging and not make people think there is something wrong with them or that they are unloveable? Actually I am a lot more resilient (but not immune) now then I was back then. I have come to understand more through the years about life and how it's not really fair or predictable and that there is a lot about spinsterhood that I really like and there are many ways my life could have turned out worse but it hasn't. So even though my Dad would like to see me married, I would just rather see me happy in whatever form that takes. The end.
4 comments:
None of my siblings are married yet, even though we are all at the point in our lives that we could be, so I know my parents worry and stress over us a lot. I think with everyone, but especially with our families - we have to remember that the things they say and do are only because they love us so much and have such a strong desire for us to be happy. I was talking with my mom once and she made the remark that miracles still happen. At first I was little hurt, that she thought it would take a miracle for me to find someone. But, honestly - it is miraculous anyone is able to find someone they want to spend eternity with and have that person feel the same about them - so I chose to accept her comment as a supportive statement that she hasn't given up on me yet.
I like Anne's comment. My friend and I were talking about how it really does take a miracle for nearly everyone. Everyone else just ends up either being completely lucky or divorced.
Ouch. What your brother-in-law said.
I have no idea who you are--although being that it's such a small Mormon world, we might already even know each other--but a kind heart like yours is not going to go unrewarded. You will be happy, I'm sure of it.
It makes me wonder if/when I'll get married, what 'flaw' people will choose to pick on then. Probably if I'm expecting or just indulging in too many gummy bears.
I've been meaning to comment on this post. Your bro-in-law was a jerk for saying that to you! I'm sure it was so hurtful at the time and probably is to this day although now you've learned to be happy with your situation. Your dad is a funny guy to have all those outrageous lists and goals. I do admire him for building up the courage to talk to you about it. My family's good about all of this with me. They know what a touchy subject it is and they know it weighs down on me just like any other unmarried girl. But you've got a good point: be happy in whatever form it takes.
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