So I have a theory that most spinsters go through a grieving period just like any person who has had some kind of major personal loss. And I think this grieving period follows the stages of grief that go along with it-you know: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. This is called the Kübler-Ross model by the way (I just learned that on wikipedia 5 minutes ago-http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model).
I think I could name a different friend experiencing each one of these stages now. I myself have cycled through each of them a few times and I think I have finally now come to the acceptance stage. I have probably spent the most time in the anger and depression stages and sometimes still have those feelings, but mostly now I just feel like it's going to be okay. Accepting isn't neccesarily giving up or even believing that I'll never get married. It's more a feeling like this is how my life is, I am single, whether I like it or not and I can be happy and find purpose and enjoyment in my life no matter what. It's more about accepting your life as it is and finding peace, which feels pretty great.
6 comments:
I call it my Singleton Cycle and I don't think you ever get done with it. Like right now, as I sit here listening to my 17 month-old cousin cry because he doesn't want to take a nap, I'm in the Acceptance stage. When I throw a fit about having to buy a waffle iron for myself because I'm single and everyone else gets waffle irons from other people because they registered for them, I'm definitely not.
I thought it was interesting to see you suggested the Kubler-Ross stages apply to spinsters like anyone who has had a major personal loss. I suppose with spinsters it's mourning the loss of what-might-have-been at certain point in time. Being a spinster myself, I am acquainted with the occasional moments of vulnerability that can lead to the initial stages of grief, but for anyone, regardless of circumstance, there is a always something that can lead to the trap of 'If only..' and the self-pity that comes with that.
Scully, good to hear from you. I like your title for this grief, clever. I think you're right, these stages can return and return, but hopefully the hard ones don't last long.
Jenn, thanks for your comment. I actually think that it is totally appropriate and therapeutic for spinsters to mourn. To me it's not self pity to feel like you've missed or lost something. Sometimes I think of in-nubility (as maybe I could call it) as comparable to infertility. Not to lessen the hardships that those with infertility bear, but to show that spinsters too can be bearing this loss of what they feel they should have been able to have (a husband and children). The trap perhaps is to stay in one stage too long or to let the grief dominate your life.
Loss is loss, whatever its form. Whether you lose something you actually have, or you lose the planned-for dream, it still hurts, and it's normal to grieve. But it's also important to find positive ways to heal and direct our energy so that we don't become trapped in that grief. That's not to say we can't still feel sadness about our loss, just that we also need to keep hope and faith alive as well.
I really identify with what you have said here. I find myself reluctant to reach the point of acceptance because I feel like that would be giving up hope...where is the middle ground??
Kimberly, thank you for validating the pain.
Jill, thanks for your comment. I know it seems like acceptance is "giving up", but in my view it's not. Giving up seems to me not caring anymore and not trying anymore and letting yourself go maybe. Accepting is more like being at peace with yourself and your situation, not necessarily saying I'll never get married, but saying hey I can enjoy life no matter where I am in it. This acceptance has actually helped me move forward and progress because it has given me confidence to do what i was afraid to do before! Whatever you decide-good luck!
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