"Miss Smith is a very good sort of girl; and I should be happy to see her respectably settled. I wish her extremely well: and, no doubt, there are men who might not object to—Every body has their level." -Mr. Elton (Jane Austen, Emma).
It seems to be true that in dating everybody does have their "level." And everyone determines their level by different yardsticks. Some people's level is dependant on looks, others on intelligence, others on wealth and social status, and maybe others on morals, but usually it is some combination of above. The concept has always seemed a bit brutal and narrow minded to me. Of course not everyone is going to be a match with us, but how many people do people we refuse to even consider because we think they are beneath us, usually before we even know them at all. I have been on both ends of this phenomenon-the refuser and the refusee, but mostly the refusee which doesn't feel one bit fair I can tell you.
I see some of my friends go on a lot of dates, but really in their mind they have decided that most of these guys don't have a chance and the first date is just a courtesy date. Sometimes I can only look on and think, 'Hey I wouldn't totally love to go out with that guy and I'd give him a chance!' But those guys didn't ask me out because maybe they assume I'm not at their level.
As an example, recently a guy in my ward that had just moved from Provo said to my roommate, "Do you feel you like you had to lower your standards when you came up to Salt Lake? There's just not many beautiful or amazing girls like there were at BYU." When she told me about his comments I wanted to scream! First of all if I were going to assign him a "level" it wouldn't be in the top tier, so why is he acting like any amazing, beautiful girl would trip over herself to date him and second there are many amazing AND beautiful girls in Salt Lake, but with some of them you might have to get to know just a little bit better to realize it. Really he is not doing himself any favors by judging the girls around here so harshly.
I really enjoyed ii eee's comments from my last post. She said,
"The guy I'm dating right now--it's only been two months, so who knows where it will end up (although I admit to being quite hopeful)--is someone that I NEVER would have dated like, 2 years ago even. I mean, I would have gone out with him once, but he and I are exact opposites."
I think this is so awesome and I hope the best for them. Now if I may turn to Austen yet again, her characters Mr. Darcy and Miss Bennett didn't think much of each other when they first met. Mr. Darcy said of Miss Elizabeth Bennett-"She is tolerable, but not handsome enough to tempt me; I am in no humour at present to give consequence to young ladies who are slighted by other men." Elizabeth didn't think much of him either, but by the end of course they were madly in love and married. I think that is why Pride and Prejudice is the perfect title for their story and also the perfect description for the whole dating process. We are all proud and all prejudice in our own ways and it is only when we set aside these attributes that we have a chance of being happy and finding true love. Would anyone else agree?
8 comments:
I will be commenting soon. I'm just trying to find a way to not make it 20 pages long. :)
First of all with the Provo comment: Provo is infiltrated with girls that spend 2 hours every morning getting ready. They'll bake cookies for some dude just to congratulate him on being born, and basically all he has to do is have a pulse and a few stories about his mission. Girls are EASIER in Provo. Not all, but the competition is fierce down there, so there are a lot of desperadas who slut it out as far as a Mormon girl can slut it out just to get the slightest bit of attention from any mouth-breather wearing pants.
Now Mr. Not So Hot Stuff has been brought back to reality with his move to SLC.
Sadly, this phenomenon is not solely a Utah one. There is a guy in my ward who is simultaneously bitter he isn't married and obsessed with 'hot' girls. And he does not fall into any of the traditional 'tall, dark, and handsome' categories associated with men who date 'hot' women. Which just makes me sad, because there are wonderful women in my ward, who he has passed over because they don't fit his conception of 'hot' which is stupidly ephemeral anyone, when you are thinking 'eternal'. It drives me crazy. But then I have a personal hang-up about the guy being taller than me. And at 5'8ish, that rules out quite a few guys. So this is apparently the pot calling the kettle black and I should end this ridiculously long comment and get back to my homework.
Sorry for the multiple commenting. My browser keeps crashing on me.
What I've learned most from my current relationship is how warped our expectations are as women. Hear me out on this one: as women, we grow up reading books about relationships at Sweet Valley High, reading "How to Please Your Boyfriend" articles in Seventeen magazine, and then hours upon hours of discussing the most minute, ridiculous detail with our girlfriends. By our mid-20s, we're total pros at understanding what "proper" dating protocol is, and what it takes to sustain a healthy relationship--despite the fact that we've hardly ever dated(because the men are hardly asking if you ask me).
Sounds like we're super smart in the whole relationship arena because we've been obsessing about it since the day we were born. But sadly, our influences and examples are from stupid rom coms where the super hot guy holds a stereo playing Peter Gabriel. Life just isn't like that. A lot of us aren't terribly picky, but we would like to be wooed.
Guys on the other hand are just plain stupid. Dumb as rocks when it comes to this stuff. Some can't woo to save their lives--(except for the occasional womanizer who's usually flashy and incredibly good-looking but a total doucheface).
The best example of their idiocy is the following clip from SNL: http://www.hulu.com/watch/19679/saturday-night-live-he-likes-you
So as women we approach it with our "expert" opinions, while they are just thinking about lunch and that one time they farted in an elevator. Although when a beautiful girl walks by--zing! They're visually stimulated for a brief moment. But after she's out of their view, it's back to video games and fart jokes. I kid you not.
Sorry for the Ms. Obvious statements, but I think that's what holds a lot of us back; as women we define things before they've even happened to us. We make assumptions based on what we've read in self-help books. And dudes are just, doo doo doooo.
But sadly, like Scully's example, there are a lot of twats. It's difficult enough having bizarre, unrealistic expectations as women, but to add to it a selection of guys that don't want to date at their level makes it all the more difficult.
Still, they're not getting dates out of their league--if they are, it's what you called a courtesy date. They're probably not ready and/or want to get married, and it's just a way for them to skirt around that fact.
So that was kind of embarrassing. Sorry for my lengthiness. :)
iiee, I completely agree with you on your comment about "[baking] cookies for some dude just to congratulate him on being born." HA HA HA!!! Made me laugh. So true. I found it annoying to see girls do that. It's SO incredibly competitive down there; the guys simply exist and they've got 5 girls falling all over them. That may be a reason I don't date a ton... I don't play the game very well! Because I don't like it.
And, spinster, you've made some VERY good points. Makes me think more about what level I've put myself on, and which level I put guys on.
I was always taught that I'll date at my cofidence level. Although that sounds good, I have wondered what confidence level my past lovers were at. That's right people, I said lovers. Just thought I'd throw in a little scandal.
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