So I've finally made the switch to a family ward and I had no idea that the transition would be so hard. The worst part is sitting alone and not knowing anyone. I would have thought more people would introduce themselves or be outgoing. I should have been, but I really just don't feel like I fit in. I am pretty much the only person in the ward my age and in my situation.
Actually the other week in sacrament (the 3rd hour in this ward), I was sitting all alone, practically on my own pew, and I just couldn't take it. Tears started welling up in my eyes and I just had to get out of there. So I slowly walked out and feigned that I was headed to the restroom or to get a drink or something, but then I made for the parking lot and to my car where I just balled. I know it sounds silly and I'm usually not that emotional, but the weight of spinster loneliness just hit me. Isn't that the thing that spinsters abhor most about the idea of singleness-being alone, really truly alone? Or as Bridget Jones fears "and I'd finally die fat and alone and be found three weeks later, half-eaten by wild dogs."
Why I am so afraid of being alone? I'm rarely alone unless I want to be. I rarely feel lonely, it's really just the idea that I may in the future be very lonely that scares me. But that hasn't happen yet. Why do I spend my time worrying about something that may or may not happen? And it's not just single people that get lonely. I'm sure from time to time everyone has those feelings. I think it was just at the moment all my fears felt realized. I know that as I get to know people and get a calling things will be better. But when do I get to that point?
5 comments:
That's too bad. I transitioned back into family wards at 25 because I was pretty tired of playing 'Do You Love Your Neighbour' and attending dances that were identical to the ones I'd started attending at 14. I have found I really like the variety of callings and the diversity of ward members, rather than being defined as engaged or not. Also, my social to an uphill climb and I started dating more because every family someone that I should meet, and since I'm a busy person, why not take some of the hassle out of meeting someone?
I think family wards are what you make of them, and for me, they've been great so far (4 years now!). I hope you find your niche in yours.
Thanks Jenn, I'm sure I'll find my niche. I have a appointment to visit with the bishop next week and the RS pres. Also as I told you the ward was combined with another ward a few months ago, so it's kind of like a transition period for the ward itself. I'll keep you updated on how it goes.
Sorry it's been so hard for you. It was definitely a blessing to me when I went to the family ward to receive a calling in the ward right away. Visiting teaching also helped me to find some friends. I hope you will feel an indispensable part of the ward soon.
I really relate to your fear of being alone. Lately I have been praying that I will recognize the companionship of the Holy Ghost in my life. Even if I don't have any other companion, I would like to be aware of His companionship.
P.S. We can hang out!
ww, thanks for your comments. Hopefully I can get a calling soon and get to know people.
About being lonely, it's good to point out the companionship of the Spirit. We really need never be alone. I guess I just need to pray harder before I go to church.
And, Yes we should hang out! I just always assume you're in some far flung country, but I guess you're in Salt Lake. Maybe another ethnic good night?
I am so sorry--I totally feel your pain. I recently moved to a new city where I don't know anyone-including my roommates. Every night I come home to a dark house with no one to talk to. It has really heightened my fear of eternal spinsterhood.
At any rate, I think the same rule applies here as everywhere else: life is what you make it & what you put in is what you get out. It's the faith part that gets me! Having the faith to keep investing yourself when all your prior investments have yet to pay off! Maybe it is just that I am looking for one kind of payment and God is giving me another...
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