Hello dear readers, your friendly neighborhood Spinster here. If you have been wondering where I have been and if I'm ever going to post again, I'm here and I will! It seems like most bloggers have a post like this every few months explaining why they aren't blogging and why. Well this is the last post of this sort you'll get from me, because I've come to the conclusion I will never be a consistent blogger. I wait until I have like 5 or 6 topics that I'm just busting at the seams to write about and then I will post in fits and spurts until I feel like I've exhausted all my ideas.
And sometimes I do feel like I've run out of ideas since I have been writing this blog for over a year now and my topic is kind of a narrow one. Actually the other day I realized that I had written a post that was almost identical to one I had written a year before! Oops. (See single vs. family wards) I guess I'm still going through the same issues, so I just need to keep blogging it out. A wise person once said, "It's not one thing after another, its the same thing over and over."
Since it has been over a year since the blog began I thought I'd perhaps do an overview of where this site is at. It started as a small blog and will stay a small blog or should I say a niche blog. I started it specifically for the Mormon spinster so I haven't gone around advertising it to just anyone. Mostly I've told my friends who have told their friends or people have just stumbled upon it while doing google searches.
In fact if you search "LDS spinster" I'm the top two hits you get. Also if you search just "spinster blog" I'm the second hit you get and the same for "spinster stories." I actually love looking at my sitemeter and finding out how people end up on my site. Here are some of the recents searches that have found me: "nice girls finish lonely"; "Join a nunnery"; "groceries for one"; "Virgins in their thirties" (I'm not sure just who is doing this search); "I feel like an old spinster" and "love taxi"(huh?). Anyway I love the many paths that lead to me.
As for my other stats-I have 17 subscribers on Google reader and 3 followers on blogger.com. And as far as I know I'm on 10 blogrolls on other blogs. So all in all not a runaway success, but not bad. I'm pleased. If you do feel so inclined though go ahead and add me to your google reader, blogroll or become a follower or my favorite thing of all leave a comment! Also if you have any great ideas for posts I'd love to hear them or if you think your blog should be on my blogroll let me know. Ok I guess that's it from me, but you will be hearing from me soon, I have a whole list of spinster issues to rant about-ahh, just what you've been waiting for. ;)
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
Friends by chance, Sisters by choice
So I've decided that the best way to be a good Spinster is to have a spinster sister to live with and share your inheritance with. That used to be quite popular over a hundred years ago, I can think of one set of spinster sisters in my own genealogy-this is a shout out to Martha and Chancenie Dungy, who never married and lived together all their life in Alabama and Tennessee. We also see a good deal of spinster sisters in literature. My roommates and I recently watched the Masterpiece Theater miniseries-Cranford, which revolves around two spinster sisters and their large group of spinster and widow friends. Actually, as far as we could tell almost no one in the town was actually married.
But, as I only have one sister and she has been married for nigh on eight years now, the next best thing for me is roommates of my same age and situation. I have three roommates all between the ages of 27 and 31 and they are great fun. We have interesting conversations which include a lot of laughter, we eat together fairly often and throw parties together as well. We also go on the occasional road trip and outing together too. It's been loads of fun actually, so I think I will adopt them and make them my spinster sisters, and as I've said for a spinster there is nothing better.
But, as I only have one sister and she has been married for nigh on eight years now, the next best thing for me is roommates of my same age and situation. I have three roommates all between the ages of 27 and 31 and they are great fun. We have interesting conversations which include a lot of laughter, we eat together fairly often and throw parties together as well. We also go on the occasional road trip and outing together too. It's been loads of fun actually, so I think I will adopt them and make them my spinster sisters, and as I've said for a spinster there is nothing better.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
The Road to Hell is Paved with Good Intentions
Some of the comments from my last post have spurred me to write a post about parents and relatives that say or do things that really hurt even though their intentions may be good.
As a follow up to my last story there is another little tidbit to add. My Dad likes to make lists and resolutions, goals, mission statements, etc., that everyone else in the family usually ignores because either they are cheesy or just really far out there. Anyway, last weekend I saw a paper in a pile that was labeled "Things to do before the Millenium"(this is classic Dad stuff). One of the things was- "To do all I can to see my children happily married for eternity" or something like that. So I guess asking me about internet dating was a part of reaching this goal, but it made me feel kind of deflated, because obviously my sister has been married for awhile, so this goal was all about me. It was a good intention, but made me feel like a "project", and who wants to feel like that? I have some other stories of this sort to share as well.
My dear friend told me that recently her mother had said to her when discussing dating and guys and what-not, "Honey, do you think it will ever happen," meaning of course, do you think you will ever get married? Now my friend said her Mom said this nicely and with all compassion, but needless to say she didn't like the comment, in fact she was a little shocked that her Mom had actually said it.
I have a very similar story of my own, mind you this was a good FIVE years ago and I had just finished college and was kind of at a loss of what to do with myself and more than a little depressed. In a conversation with just the two of us, my brother-in-law said to me, "Do you think you'll ever (emphasis on ever) get married?" I was floored, I wish I would have gotten mad at him, but in the state I was in it was all I could do to fight back the tears. Now this very pointed question was said very doubtingly as if he was sure that it would never happen. I wasn't even that old and already he was telling me it was over for me. Obviously he had no faith in me which made me have less faith in myself. I thought, dang it, who else is thinking this. I honestly have never forgiven him for being so thoughtless and taking my greatest insecurity and trampling all over it.
Now I know what some of you will say, get over it, don't be mad, who cares what other people think or thought, don't let it get to you, but easier said than done. Some times other people's words infest our minds like parasites, feeding on our peace of mind. Wouldn't it be better to just be encouraging and not make people think there is something wrong with them or that they are unloveable? Actually I am a lot more resilient (but not immune) now then I was back then. I have come to understand more through the years about life and how it's not really fair or predictable and that there is a lot about spinsterhood that I really like and there are many ways my life could have turned out worse but it hasn't. So even though my Dad would like to see me married, I would just rather see me happy in whatever form that takes. The end.
As a follow up to my last story there is another little tidbit to add. My Dad likes to make lists and resolutions, goals, mission statements, etc., that everyone else in the family usually ignores because either they are cheesy or just really far out there. Anyway, last weekend I saw a paper in a pile that was labeled "Things to do before the Millenium"(this is classic Dad stuff). One of the things was- "To do all I can to see my children happily married for eternity" or something like that. So I guess asking me about internet dating was a part of reaching this goal, but it made me feel kind of deflated, because obviously my sister has been married for awhile, so this goal was all about me. It was a good intention, but made me feel like a "project", and who wants to feel like that? I have some other stories of this sort to share as well.
My dear friend told me that recently her mother had said to her when discussing dating and guys and what-not, "Honey, do you think it will ever happen," meaning of course, do you think you will ever get married? Now my friend said her Mom said this nicely and with all compassion, but needless to say she didn't like the comment, in fact she was a little shocked that her Mom had actually said it.
I have a very similar story of my own, mind you this was a good FIVE years ago and I had just finished college and was kind of at a loss of what to do with myself and more than a little depressed. In a conversation with just the two of us, my brother-in-law said to me, "Do you think you'll ever (emphasis on ever) get married?" I was floored, I wish I would have gotten mad at him, but in the state I was in it was all I could do to fight back the tears. Now this very pointed question was said very doubtingly as if he was sure that it would never happen. I wasn't even that old and already he was telling me it was over for me. Obviously he had no faith in me which made me have less faith in myself. I thought, dang it, who else is thinking this. I honestly have never forgiven him for being so thoughtless and taking my greatest insecurity and trampling all over it.
Now I know what some of you will say, get over it, don't be mad, who cares what other people think or thought, don't let it get to you, but easier said than done. Some times other people's words infest our minds like parasites, feeding on our peace of mind. Wouldn't it be better to just be encouraging and not make people think there is something wrong with them or that they are unloveable? Actually I am a lot more resilient (but not immune) now then I was back then. I have come to understand more through the years about life and how it's not really fair or predictable and that there is a lot about spinsterhood that I really like and there are many ways my life could have turned out worse but it hasn't. So even though my Dad would like to see me married, I would just rather see me happy in whatever form that takes. The end.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Internet "Dating": Fact or Ficiton
So my last post mentioned something about internet dating, which for myself I am against. Not that I don't know some people it has worked for, but personally it's not my style and I think it complicates the whole dating process. So when I went out to lunch with my Dad this week I was dismayed when he offered to pay for any and all LDS dating sites that I wished to become a member of. He told me this story about how his secretary's daughter meet her fiance on an LDS site and how it's all roses and rainbows. I told him straight out that won't be necessary and let's not talk about it anymore. I guess I should have been touched my Dad was thinking of me, but really it kind of makes me feel like the wayward daughter that can't pull it together and just get married already. I don't know how I want my parents to feel about my singleness. I kind of just want them to not really be concerned or worried, because then that makes me feel that way. So then here's my questions-how do your parent's feel about your single sitch and how do you feel about internet dating?
Monday, February 23, 2009
Too Many Choices...
Apparently Time magazine has their finger on the heartbeat of the American single's scene. I found this article interesting and I'm giving you the most relevant bits. For the whole article go to: Advice for the New Dating Game By Belinda Luscombe Thursday, Feb. 12, 2009 http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1879191,00.html
"Some of them are respected scientists. Some of them are psychologists. At least one of them is a briefly married former TV-morning-show host. A surprising number of them are stand-up comedians. And they all want to give you dating advice. If you're single and don't wish to be, have they got a TV show/book/scientific theory for you! As if you haven't suffered enough.
According to the most recent census figures, about 84 million Americans ages 20 to 75 are unmarried or separated. Even if only half of them want to find a spouse, that's a nice fat target for the media to aim at in a market where such uniformity of desire is rare. So while dating and mating instructions are probably as old as Australopithecus (Tip 1: "Stand up straighter"), right now the advice-o-meter is running hot. When a coupling manual turned movie--He's Just Not That Into You--is a box-office hit, something's up.
How bad is the dating scene? Bad enough that a production company believes it can find four adults willing to have spouses chosen for them by their friends and family, marry them and allow their subsequent domestic life to be broadcast on CBS. (Because what could possibly go wrong in your first year of wedlock to a stranger?) Other lonely hearts have already submitted to having their mate-finding woes aired on cable. Yes, there have been dating shows before, but none quite so DIY as three offered by FLN, the network formerly known for fancy cooking and curtain-choosing. Wingman, in which comedian Michael Somerville acts as a dating sidekick, premiered Feb. 10. How to Find a Husband, a British import, arrives in April. The network is also developing Love Taxi, in which a cab driver plays matchmaker. Dating, camera, New York City taxi--the discomfort trifecta."
(This next paragraph I find the most interesting)
"Has it come to this? Is dating really that hard? Sociologists have long agreed that the two key factors of mate choice are proximity and timing. We choose from those around us, generally two to five years after we finish our education. But at least one of those pillars is eroding. Online dating has meant that our pool of potential mates is much bigger. The opportunity cost of giving up on a potential suitor is lower. And it's more work to find the wheat in all that chaff.
This is made more complicated by our new living patterns, says New York University sociologist Dalton Conley, whose book Elsewhere, U.S.A. examines how our work and domestic realms collide. "Social proximity is more defining now," he says. "It's class- or occupation-based. Doctors marry doctors instead of nurses." Conley points out that in the past 30 years, the social norms for mate selection have completely flipped: there are fewer prohibitions on whom you can marry, most women work outside the home, and the digital dating landscape is a whole new terrain. "The last change of this significance was the introduction of the Pill," he says."
-Ok back to me, so I have long thought the dating pool is just too big. There are too many choices, it's overwhelming. People aren't willing to take the time to get to really get to know people, they just move on because there is a never ending stream of single people or as I like to joke, a never ending stream of 18 and 19 year old girls at institute or in the single's ward! But doesn't that really define our generation, the phrase "too much?"We are the "Too much Generation" and now it's coming to back to bite us in the butt.
For more single's statistics- see my topics side bar on the right.
"Some of them are respected scientists. Some of them are psychologists. At least one of them is a briefly married former TV-morning-show host. A surprising number of them are stand-up comedians. And they all want to give you dating advice. If you're single and don't wish to be, have they got a TV show/book/scientific theory for you! As if you haven't suffered enough.
According to the most recent census figures, about 84 million Americans ages 20 to 75 are unmarried or separated. Even if only half of them want to find a spouse, that's a nice fat target for the media to aim at in a market where such uniformity of desire is rare. So while dating and mating instructions are probably as old as Australopithecus (Tip 1: "Stand up straighter"), right now the advice-o-meter is running hot. When a coupling manual turned movie--He's Just Not That Into You--is a box-office hit, something's up.
How bad is the dating scene? Bad enough that a production company believes it can find four adults willing to have spouses chosen for them by their friends and family, marry them and allow their subsequent domestic life to be broadcast on CBS. (Because what could possibly go wrong in your first year of wedlock to a stranger?) Other lonely hearts have already submitted to having their mate-finding woes aired on cable. Yes, there have been dating shows before, but none quite so DIY as three offered by FLN, the network formerly known for fancy cooking and curtain-choosing. Wingman, in which comedian Michael Somerville acts as a dating sidekick, premiered Feb. 10. How to Find a Husband, a British import, arrives in April. The network is also developing Love Taxi, in which a cab driver plays matchmaker. Dating, camera, New York City taxi--the discomfort trifecta."
(This next paragraph I find the most interesting)
"Has it come to this? Is dating really that hard? Sociologists have long agreed that the two key factors of mate choice are proximity and timing. We choose from those around us, generally two to five years after we finish our education. But at least one of those pillars is eroding. Online dating has meant that our pool of potential mates is much bigger. The opportunity cost of giving up on a potential suitor is lower. And it's more work to find the wheat in all that chaff.
This is made more complicated by our new living patterns, says New York University sociologist Dalton Conley, whose book Elsewhere, U.S.A. examines how our work and domestic realms collide. "Social proximity is more defining now," he says. "It's class- or occupation-based. Doctors marry doctors instead of nurses." Conley points out that in the past 30 years, the social norms for mate selection have completely flipped: there are fewer prohibitions on whom you can marry, most women work outside the home, and the digital dating landscape is a whole new terrain. "The last change of this significance was the introduction of the Pill," he says."
-Ok back to me, so I have long thought the dating pool is just too big. There are too many choices, it's overwhelming. People aren't willing to take the time to get to really get to know people, they just move on because there is a never ending stream of single people or as I like to joke, a never ending stream of 18 and 19 year old girls at institute or in the single's ward! But doesn't that really define our generation, the phrase "too much?"We are the "Too much Generation" and now it's coming to back to bite us in the butt.
For more single's statistics- see my topics side bar on the right.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
To Family Ward or not to Family Ward...
You won't notice if you only read me on google reader, but I've revamped the blog a bit. I have a new background(much more interesting I think) and I've updated my quote of the week(or whenever I get around to it) and the Spinster of the week and I've added a new spinster blog link. So check it out. Anyway, enough about business, onto the topic at hand.
So I'm thinking of going to a family ward. (Gasp!) I'm really tired of the singles ward scene and I've noticed I'm not really making an effort to really get to know and become friends with people in the ward. I'm just kind of coasting. The same goes for my calling too. I teach Relief Society once a month for like 30 minutes and that's it. I don't really feel like I'm contributing much. Also I think I want to get moving along before I get too old and they make me move along. I never want to have that conversation with the bishop.
I think going to the family ward might be an interesting change and it definitely would be more diverse than the singles ward, age-wise and experience-wise. Also, I know not everyone would say this, but I'd really like to work in the Young Women's organization. I feel like that would be an important contribution. I can't think of a harder time in life for girls than than the 12-18 years. I had a really good experience in YW and had some amazing leaders. I hope I could be a good influence on the girls and if nothing else I could teach them that they need to plan their lives so that if they're not married by 21 or even 23 they have other things in life to look forward to.
But here's the problem, I am not looking forward to going to church alone and sitting by myself. I also will probably be the only one in my age or situation. How will I make friends that can hang out on the weekend, go to the movies whenever? They will probably all have families to take care of. My roommate that is 31 is contemplating going to an older single adult ward (31-100), but I just don't think I could handle that. I've heard strange things. Blah, choices.
Have I mentioned I don't really like the idea of singles wards? Oh maybe their fine when you're going to college, but after that I think they are so artificial. They perpetuate the Peter Pan syndrome I think. Maybe I have said too much, but the truth is I don't really feel like I fit into any of these places. What is a spinster to do? Any ideas?
So I'm thinking of going to a family ward. (Gasp!) I'm really tired of the singles ward scene and I've noticed I'm not really making an effort to really get to know and become friends with people in the ward. I'm just kind of coasting. The same goes for my calling too. I teach Relief Society once a month for like 30 minutes and that's it. I don't really feel like I'm contributing much. Also I think I want to get moving along before I get too old and they make me move along. I never want to have that conversation with the bishop.
I think going to the family ward might be an interesting change and it definitely would be more diverse than the singles ward, age-wise and experience-wise. Also, I know not everyone would say this, but I'd really like to work in the Young Women's organization. I feel like that would be an important contribution. I can't think of a harder time in life for girls than than the 12-18 years. I had a really good experience in YW and had some amazing leaders. I hope I could be a good influence on the girls and if nothing else I could teach them that they need to plan their lives so that if they're not married by 21 or even 23 they have other things in life to look forward to.
But here's the problem, I am not looking forward to going to church alone and sitting by myself. I also will probably be the only one in my age or situation. How will I make friends that can hang out on the weekend, go to the movies whenever? They will probably all have families to take care of. My roommate that is 31 is contemplating going to an older single adult ward (31-100), but I just don't think I could handle that. I've heard strange things. Blah, choices.
Have I mentioned I don't really like the idea of singles wards? Oh maybe their fine when you're going to college, but after that I think they are so artificial. They perpetuate the Peter Pan syndrome I think. Maybe I have said too much, but the truth is I don't really feel like I fit into any of these places. What is a spinster to do? Any ideas?
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Be back soon...
Ok, ok. The holidays are over as are finals so now I finally have some time to post. I have a lot of things to write about, but at the same time I don't want to sound too "whiny." I was reading one spinster blog and the author made the comment that most of these types of blogs are usually "whiny." Do I fall into this category? I don't want to be all woe is me, but at the same time I view this as my support group and if I can't express how I feel here, where can I? I want to express how I really feel about real issues, about the ups and downs of spinsterhood and the double standards I see in this social system we're a part of. So if you feel I complain too bitterly, I'd be happy to refer you to another more upbeat spinster blog, but if you can empathize with me then leave a comment and let me know!
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