So in Relief Society on Sunday we got "the spinster talk" from one of our high councilmen. You know the one about life being uncertain and you can't really plan when you'll get married so you should get all the education you can and just go live you life. They also had a lady come in and speak who was 41 and unmarried, but successful in her career and polished, and also a homeowner. Basically the gist of the whole thing was don't get bitter and don't wait around to get married, face reality. I guess that's a good message. It seems like more and more the leaders of the church are saying you may never get married, or maybe they always said that but I pay more attention now. But here's the thing, what about the promises that I've gotten that said I would be married in this life? Have I not had enough faith to be married? When does faith border on self-delusion or does it ever? I mean if you can have enough faith to move a mountain, can't you also have enough to get married?
Now this brings me to some important questions that I think a lot of single women that want to get married ask-what did I do wrong or what should I have done differently or have I just not been righteous enough to find that certain someone? I've thought that before--If I had prayed and read my scriptures more I would have gotten married. Maybe that could be a factor, but maybe it really isn't. The number of factors is probably so large that it really couldn't be simplified to two reasons. And in the end it's not like I didn't have any choice in the matter. I mean I could have married just anyone, but I didn't really want to married the first joe schmoe that happen to be around.
Which leads me to this thought, "well maybe I really should have married that one dude, I should have made it work. I guess that's going have been my only chance and I blew it." As illogical as I know that is, what spinster hasn't had that thought cross her mind. At the time it just didn't feel right to marry the "one that got away" or "the one that I let get away." I just don't think it would have been the right fit. So I went on a mission and he sent me very long letters and care packages until I told him to start dating other girls. And he did . And got married when I had been out a year to a girl with my same name (now that's tacky). But you know what, as much as I muse about how things could have been different, I don't regret it. And now I've found out some odd years later he's never finished school, put on a lot of weight and left the church. I think I lucked out.
Well these is a short post on what is a very big topic, but I'd like to hear your thoughts. Do you have one that got away? Do you ever have any of these same thoughts that I do?
8 comments:
Sounds like you lucked out.
Why is it tacky to date or marry a girl with the same name as an ex-girlfriend? He can't help it that that's her name.
My mom's first husband has the same name as my dad, her second husband. If she decided not to go out with my dad based on his name being the same as her ex's...well that would have been idiotic. My dad adopted both of my sisters, and they were all sealed in the temple together. My mom's first husband had abandoned them. My father is a great man -I'd hardly call my mother marrying him tacky since he and her first husband share a name.
Stop having such thoughts where you sell yourself short. The numbers aren't even -it has nothing to do with you not being righteous enough (it can be a problem, but I doubt not reading your scriptures often is sin enough to "miss out" on finally meeting your husband.)
I really wonder if more women were saved for the last days. The best of the best men had to be saved for the last days -it goes the same for the women...and I wouldn't be surprised if there were more "best" women then there were men.
The catch with marriage vs. mountains is that while a person may have the faith to move a mountain, a marriage takes two people-with free agency and flaws-to have the faith to produce a union. The mountain just does what it's told.
Yes that is the tricky thing about faith, it really has no jurisdication over other people's agency.
Yes I think a lot of girls sell themselves short, which is why I wrote this post. These are thoughts that cross my mind sometimes, but not my general state of being. Life is obviously not fair and everything is not meted out equally to everyone no matter what we do. If only we did have all the power over things we blame ourselves for. I wish that we as women would not be so hard on ourselves.
And you're right it really isn't tacky to date or marry an someone with your ex's name. It just felt tacky to me at the time when I got the wedding invitation. But truly if you loved someone and they happened to share your ex's name it would be a very poor reason to break up.
Sorry, it is french but I am sure you can find some site to translate it for you.
http://www.adopteunmec.com/?mid=39871
Just for you to know, on the first page it says "adopt a guy*toy men to cuddle" and noooooooooooooooooo it is not a site "for adults" it is just a joke. I had to register!
Once upon a time I was engaged to a jerk. I didn't really want to marry him, but was worried that if I didn't, I'd miss my "chance." Then, I spoke to my aunt who got married for the first time around age 40. She married a jerk because she was afraid if she didn't, she'd miss her chance. That marriage was miserable and didn't last, thank Heaven. As a newly divorced single, she advised me to pass up this particular chance because if I wasn't really happy, then marriage was not really the answer. I listened, and I'm glad I did.
When you use a GPS to drive, it will tell you which way to go. If you don't do what is says, it will recalculate the route and give you new directions. Life is pretty similar to that. Because of free will, some things that seem "meant to be" end up being changed a bit, but you still get where you're supposed to go. If it's in your blessing, trust it, and in the meantime enjoy having the freedom to do whatever you want to do.
By the way, how's this for weird? I married a man whose middle name is the same as my previous fiance's name, and they both have sisters named Jenny and Becky. I guess I had the names right at first, but the people wrong.
Thanks for your story Kimberly. I think it's funny how we can just know something is not right, but fret about it for a long time just because we can't see something in the future being better.
I like the GPS analogy. I must have made a wrong turn somewhere and it's just taking me awhile to get back on course! jk. Really I think that for me marriage is taking the course of the rest of my life. I always procrastinate and do things at the last minute. It's just my nature. So I really shouldn't be suprised that my marriage status is the same way.
I don't know about having the freedom to do whatever I want though. I still have to make money and support myself and plan for my future with education and what not.But yes I think there is more freedom in a way because you don't have to coordinate the desires and dreams of two people.
Ack! The one who got away has been emailing me lately. I hate it when they do that.
Have you seen this?
http://www.theatlantic.com/
doc/200803/single-marry
A very scary article indeed!
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