I know this sounds silly, but sometimes I like a certain degree of anonymity when it comes to my single status. And really I'm not the only one. What single person likes to go to a sit down dinner by themselves and then catch a movie by themselves? I mean they will eat dinner and watch a movie alone at home, but they won't do this in public, right? I actually did this once a few years ago, just as an experiment to see how it would feel. I went to a sit down Middle Eastern restaurant all by myself and ordered a meal and ate it alone. It was a tad awkward, but mostly it was just boring. I hadn't brought anything to read so I just kind of sat there. I think the waitress did give me a few odd looks. Then I went to a movie at the theater by myself. Once the lights were turned off and the movie started it really felt like no big deal. Actually in truth my night on the town by myself didn't feel any weirder or more awkward than pushing that little grocery cart around Smith's. Isn't that funny?
The cart in questionI think there are actually a lot of things, big and small, that make us remember our singleness and not in a good way. Another small thing is sleeping in a twin bed. Yes, I still sleep in a twin bed because I have a small bedroom and yes it does make me feel like a freshman in college, and not in a good way. The big things are holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving. Let me tell you that having only one sibling makes it uber weird and boring at Christmas when she goes to her in-laws house instead of ours. It's just me and my parents. That is really when I miss not having a husband and kids. Oh well what can you do? Hate Christmas? Of course not. Does anyone out there have anything that makes them feel particularly single and if so what is your remedy?
10 comments:
I love those carts! I use them all the time. They're very European, and when I was in Washington, that's what everyone was using.
I don't think anyone's paying enough attention to you to really notice your cart, stop and think, "Oh I bet she's single." Who cares anyway? It's not like you have the plague! If you're acting like you have the plague people might treat you as such. But in the grand scheme of things, people don't care.
I go to movies by myself all the time. And I go out to eat by myself all the time. I make sure not to do these kinds of things like on date nights or whatever, because if I'm feeling lonely it might make me feel a bit lonelier. But it's quite nice to do these things on my own time, because not all my friends want to see a certain movie or go out to eat somewhere.
I just don't understand the shame in being single. If married people want to pity me for it, well then I pity them back for marrying a bozo and having ugly, below average children.
I know many see singledom as a trial, but I like to remind myself of how President Monson tells us to enjoy the present. If we dwell too much on the past, and only focus on the future, we're not going to enjoy the present. Look at it this way, right now you only have to buy groceries for one, instead of the stress of having to figure out how to feed 5 picky eaters for a week. You can buy your groceries without having to worry about a gaggle of children running a muck in the store. You don't have to buy expensive sugary cereal, because your husband is an idiot and refuses to eat nothing else for breakfast. No one is going to complain that you just decided to spend $10 on ice cream.
We single people have it so good! When we make ourselves so self-conscious, we are asking for misery.
I am sorry that you felt so stigmatized by the smaller shopping cart. Whenever I have the option of using one of those carts, I do. I love them! They're so much easier to wheel around, and you don't have to squish all the groceries on the bottom of the cart. I have never looked at someone using one of those carts and thought, "That person must be single." Those carts make me feel like I'm shopping in a glamorous place, like Whole Foods or Trader Joe's.
Whenever I see someone eating alone at a restaurant, I think that they must be powerful working executives of some type, and that they lead an exciting life. And even though I'm married, I have been known to go alone to the theater to see something that my husband didn't want to see. You could always take an extra jacket to lay over the seat next to you, though, as though someone was with you. :-)
Ok I don't want to say I'm ashamed of being single. It's just sometimes I do feel self concious, which happens to everyone from time to time when they feel conspicuous for whatever reason. I guess the gist of my post was just to say that sometimes little things can make you feel the weight of aloneness, but really most of time I'm just fine and I don't think about it. So please don't pity me, just tell me you feel alone sometimes too!
Everybody does. :-)
I never thought of those tiny carts that way. I think because I find them so convenient that I wonder why everybody else isn't using them. And I, like i i eee, go to movies by myself. It is actually sort of liberating. But there are things that make me feel my singleton status acutely, usually when I'm talking about my latest favorite book, movie, tv show etc. and no one else knows what I am talking about because they have a husband and children and don't spend time with those things. I feel like everyone thinks I am a horrible time-waster and that they are doing better things with their time.
I especially feel "single" when I'm around relatives during holidays like Christmas or Thanksgiving, or at reunions. In my mind it's expected of me to take a date to these get-togethers and if I don't have one, I feel like people wonder why I'm not yet married and why I'm not making more of an effort to get married, etc. It's uncomfortable for me - having that single stigma attached. Also on Friday/Saturday nights I'm sort of embarrassed being in a grocery store or someplace public! I feel like I should be on a date. So... obviously I'm not yet completely comfortable alone.
There are times I feel the confidence and contentedness iieee expresses, and those I don't. At times singleness can be painful and make me feel out of place, particularly at church, holidays, celebrations (baby blessings, weddings, etc.), and late at night. Being in a family-centered Utah culture may add to this. Avoidance is a coping mechanism--if I'm feeling not great, I'll sometimes skip things. Forcing myself to connect with someone --a niece, neighbor, or acquaintance--early at an event can help. Sometimes I need to analyze the pain and figure out what particularly is difficult: comparing myself with others? low self esteem? unrecognized expectations? anger? plain old loneliness? If I understand the root emotion, feeling it and addressing it specifically can help me.
I certainly don't want to sound like I'm picking on you, SitC; loneliness can be a heavy burden to bear, and it sets its weight on everyone's shoulders every once in a while.
My last relationship has ruined me, I'm afraid. I dodged a big fat bullet, and now I'm starting to find myself far too happy and cozy as a singleton. It's now a case of, "I don't know what I'm missing, so I don't miss it." I love my life, and now I question if I still have the desire to get married.
I've been reading one too many blogs about the lives of single Mormon females, and I grow weary of the constant boo-hooey-hooing; however I'm very fickle. I keep turning to these blogs because, yes, I can relate. These blogs have made me come to terms with the ridiculousness of the past notion of measuring my self-worth by my ability to find a man. When I discovered that I wasn't alone in having these feelings, I was able to find a better perspective; I was able to see how stupid it is to make ourselves feel bad about it. Most importantly, we are not alone; we are in it together.
Still, I try to mix things up a bit. I want us to feel empowered and proud of our accomplishments. I was most miserable when I wallowed in my singleton woes; and now I am most happy by trying my best not to let it bother me. Because again, my life is AWESOME. I want to enjoy it for its awesomeness, instead of souring it with self-made misery. Sure, I crave intimacy and being in love and feeling adored. I want those things just as much as the next single woman. But now, 90% of the time, I'm so over whining about it (but I am human, 10% is still allotted for whining). It's just a stale topic by now; even so I stick around because I hope my confidence and self-assurance might be a little contagious. I've wasted too much time (several years) feeling sorry for myself, and I know I'm not the only one. I want to make it a strength now, and not a weakness.
Okay, such a comment hog. I apologize.
I've decided that if I want to get out and see my friends, Friday night at Wal-Mart is the best place to do it. We all end up there for some reason, and we always say the same thing, 'You'd think I'd be doing something more exciting than this on a Friday!' Regardless of our circumstances, this is a glaring example of how similar we all really are. Oh, and we never notice cart size, unless there is a large amount of toilet paper filling a cart which leads to jokes, hilarity and more common ground.
I love seeing so many comments! Thanks for your participation all. I think everyone has made some valid points.
Scully-I understand what you're saying about people judging your hobbies I hate that. If you had children you would be doing other things but since you don't you have time for other endeavors.
Jessi-I know what you mean about Fri and Sat nights. Sometimes I feel so lame for not having something going on and actually I do often end up at the grocery store. But I've noticed the grocery store is kind of empty and there are a lot of single guys shopping-if only I had the nerve to strike up a conversation.
Anon- I like your ideas for combating the feelings you have in uncomfortable situations.
iieee-your comments were interesting, I know what you mean about wasting part of your life feeling bad about being single. I think that is part of the reason I started this blog-so I could work out my feelings and get over them. And usually I'm pretty content and confident. This blog is like my journal in a way. And I really only write in my journal when I'm sad or upset or fired up about something. So as you can see by my sparse posts, I'm usually non of the above.
Jenn-classic toilet paper story, I laughed for awhile about that!
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