My new ward isn't getting any easier. I thought I was making progress because the ward clerk called me in for an interview with the bishop. I thought good maybe I can get to know the bishop a little and I will get a calling. Not so good. They called me as a family history consultant-the fourth or fifth time I've had that job. Don't get me wrong, I love genealogy, but this calling is not going to get me involved in the ward much. It's not a calling I can only do in a family ward. Also, it is a frustrating job because no one wants to do their family history and ward members will probably try to avoid me more than they already do!
We'll see how it goes, but I now can totally understand comments I've heard from spinsters who have become or have contemplated becoming inactive in church at this time in their lives. It's so hard to be a part of a family ward, when you aren't welcomed in, when you are seen as an outsider merely because of your marital status. Part of the reason for going to church is to become part of a community of saints, but if the community rejects you or doesn't understand you or even try to understand you, where do you go?
My roommate has recently started going to a mid-singles adult ward in Salt Lake. She told me today that some of the women she talked to there have said that if it wasn't for this ward they would have gone inactive. A sad but understandable fact. I attended this ward with my roommate once. It's a unique ward, as far as I know there are only about five of their kind in Utah. Personally I didn't like what I saw. The ward was huge-it almost felt like stake conference. I thought there is no way I can get to know even a third of these people. And as I turned around from my pew and looked at the sea of faces, all it seems I could see were women. And as it turns out there are three Relief Societies! It just didn't feel like the place of me, but now I am wondering if it is my best option if I don't want to cry every week after church. Hmm...
8 comments:
I'm sorry the ward thing has been a hard experience for you! I hope things start getting better.
I meant to leave a comment on your last post--but it sounded so advice-y that I just didn't feel like it was right.
First: I've been there. When I decided to go to a family ward because I didn't like the singles ward I was in, I went inactive and I was so unhappy. I was hoping for a calling in Primary or YW, but they gave me some crap calling that was made up on the spot. I was 26-27, so I still had the option of singles wards. I found a ward that I liked (30 min commute, no less) with friends that I love, and I became active again. We cannot do this alone. We need a support, a "family" of our own to go to church with.
My advice: either go to the mid-singles ward OR go to your bishop and kindly insist on another calling. Tell him you'll gladly keep the one he just gave you, but tell him you need something that requires you to be at church every Sunday, like in Primary. Tell him your concerns about not coming to church and also let him know that just because you're single doesn't mean that you should only have callings that are isolating. You're isolated enough as it is. It's really humbling to say that to a bishop, but your remaining active depends upon it.
Either way, focus on making more friendships and definitely don't even think about trying to get a date--because it just causes bitterness and despair. It will happen if you just let it happen and don't think about it too much. The more people you know, the better chances you have of finding someone. And, if you are able to secure a strong network of friends, your life will be rich, single or not.
I second i i eee's suggestion of talking to your bishop about how you are feeling - even if a new calling doesn't come out of it, at least he'll be aware of the situation. I lived in a family ward for a year and a half and I found that the best way for me to get to know people, especially sisters, was to join the book club that was one of the RS enrichment groups. See if there is a group that speaks to your interests and start going.
Hi everyone,
Thanks for your support and suggestions. I did tell the bishop that I've had this calling before and that I really hoped to work in Young Women's or something and that I would do both. He said he'd consider it. But I did have a hard time opening up and telling him how difficult it was to get intergrated into the ward. He just didn't make me feel at ease enough to just lay it all out there. Plus I didn't want to cry.
I think I'll give it a few more weeks maybe express concerns to the RS president who seems more inviting and perhaps join an enrichment group. I like that idea.
I did go to my roommate's FHE in the mid-single's ward. It was actually fun and a lot of people introduced themselves. What a difference that makes and knowing one person already. Maybe that is where I need to be.
Speaking as a married woman in a family ward, I know that I have never looked at a single woman and decided to reject her based on marital status. I don't think anyone would consciously do that, especially not to someone as wonderful and friendly as you. If they do, shame on them. I like the idea of finding an Enrichment group to join. Or, if there isn't one you like, ask if you can form one yourself.
Over the years, I have had lots of experience working with bishoprics, and even though the bishop is the father of the ward, and receives inspiration for his flock, he is also very often VERY ignorant of a lot of things, particularly with the women. He can't help unless he knows everything. It would be a good idea to tell him everything, and let him see the tears. Or, if you feel the RS president is a good avenue, and will communicate that to him, that will work, too.
Also, having been in the YW a few times, I know I would have been VERY HAPPY for someone to come to me and say, "I have expertise in such and such, and I'd love to do an activity for the girls." Or,
"Maybe one of the girls could use my help completing a Personal Progress value project?" Even if nothing comes of it, they know you are a willing helper. You could also try talking to the scout leaders, who are always hungry to for someone to help with merit badges. I know you have lots of knowledge and experience that the scouts would love to hear. Primary is the same way. Let the primary president know you'd be more than happy to fill in on short notice. I can guarantee you'll be put to work, even if not in an official calling.
Don't give up yet.
Sunday is coming up quickly. Good luck with another week of your new ward.
So sorry to hear that you have been having such a hard time. I agree with i i eee and Scully... if you share with the bishop that you'd really like a way to become more integrated in the ward, that might help. Also, you could request from the Relief Society president to be assigned to be a visiting teacher. She would probably be pleasantly surprised! I'm pulling for you...
Amen sista
-Single in Georgia
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