Cougar?

So time for my monthly post. October was a tough month, but now it's over, yeah! Lately to forget my troubles, I've thrown myself into social things-young single adult and midsingle. This has thrown me into the path of eligible young men...well some not so young and some very young. Which brings me to my latest quandary, how young is too young? Don't worry I'm not talking about premies or anything. But personally at what point do you think the age difference too much, four years, six, eight? And if you haven't already noticed there is a huge double standard between men and women when it comes to this. A man marrying a woman five to ten years younger than himself isn't so uncommon, but the other way around is much more uncommon. As a teenager I had a young women's leader who married a man four years younger than herself. I was always impressed by this and thought she was so brave to do such a thing. But is four years really that much of an age difference? Hardly. Oh and what's that formula, half your age and add 7 and that's the age limit of the person you can date. Who came up with that anyway?

What if you just happen to find someone you just really hit it off with that you really wouldn't think was younger than you if you didn't know? Do you put yourself out there and flirt up a storm and maybe draw comments or do you tell yourself that oh well, something might have been if he was a little older or you a little younger and give up? Honestly, it might have to be the latter unless you have self confidence of steel and look like Demi Moore. Oh well, that's, that, I'm no Demi Moore and not much of a boat rocker. Maybe more equality will come to the next generation of women!

Spinster Syndrome

From a recent episode of House Hunters- enter 30 year single female, put together with a good job on Capitol Hill. In her intial interview she talks about wanting to buy a house before her 31st birthday. '30 is a benchmark time in life, people are getting married, have kids, have a house and a dog. I figured I either need to get a man or buy a house. I've got to have some kind of accomplishment.'
http://www.hgtv.com/house-hunters/looking-for-a-first-home-in-washington-dc/index.html

Hmm, what is it about being a spinster that makes us think we have to prove ourselves and show we're accomplished? If we're not married we have to show people that we are not worthless by either having an amazing career, making lots of money, getting an advanced degree, buying a house or doing extensive charitable work in a third world country. Guess what I don't have or do any of those things. Does that mean I should feel bad about myself? Is it not enough to support yourself, be a good person and contribute to your community? For years I have felt that pressure to show people that I've done something with my life, but often I fall short and my self esteem takes a major blow. Where does a person's true worth come from? Don't we all have intrinsic worth as children of God?

Why am I trying to prove myself to other people? I've been learning about self defeating beliefs lately and one of them is Achievement Addiction: My worthiness depends on my achievements, intelligence, talent, status, income or looks. I think most people believe this to a certain extent, but if we do it also means that if we don't live up to these standards we are a total failure. But who sets the standards and how can we ever be good enough?

It's like we have to prove there's nothing wrong with us just because we're not married. I'm so tired of hearing the phrases, why are you still single? or I can't believe she's still single or I know why he's not married. If you've never noticed before people use these discouraging phrases a lot. Basically they are saying. All the good people are taken, the people that aren't taken have major problems or they are saying that being single is not normal, because normal people have someone. Maybe people don't realize what their words are implying, but they hurt.

Sometimes I wonder if part of the reason I want to be married so badly is so people will stop looking down on me or feeling sorry for me, to prove to them I'm not a failure, because I'm not. Sorry if this sounds like a tirade, but I think most spinsters may read this and agree with me. What do you think? How do you keep your self confidence under such pressure?

Maybe I spoke too soon

Well my dear readers, I may have spoken too soon about my slump being totally over. In the last two months I dated and broken up with said boy from last post. I must say it's pure agony to get so close to what you want but not having it be quite right. There is a take home message to all this though: you have to try new things and take risks to grow and progress, and I've taken a lot of risks this year-taking a new job far from home and anyone I know, moving twice in 6 months, getting in a car accident (well not really a planned risk, but definitely a challenge), and putting my heart out there in a relationship. All of these things have really stretched me (almost to my breaking point), made me realize things about myself that I needed to change and motivated me to make those changes and face fears that were important to face That almost sounds bad, but I think (hope) it's making me a better person. Along the way though I've had some sweet blessings and little miracles that I've been so grateful for. I've also realized what great friends and family I have, they've really helped me through a tough time. So there you have it, my life in the last two months in fairly vauge detail. Just know that I'm one tough spinster that can get through anything and will eventually get what she wants even if it takes a little (lot) longer than she expected!

The Slump is OVER!

My spinster slump is officially over---finally! I must have passed the test. I have great roommates that like to get out and do things. I've been going on hikes, visiting iconic sites and meeting lots of fun new people. One person in particular has been very nice to meet and we are going on our second official date on Tuesday! But he went on all the sightseeing adventures with us, so really it's like a fifth date. Things are going very well, so expect updates. Huzzah!

Spinster Slump

So people must not have wished me enough luck! This week has been the worst I can remember in a long time. My move started with a major car accident (no injuries thankfully, just a totaled car) and just went downhill from there. It's amazing how one thing can bring your house of cards crashing down. It has shaken my confidence and put me in a major slump. I'm now flabberglasted about where to go from here. Am I being tested? It sure feels like it.

Well sorry for the downer posts lately, but if you can't vent on your own blog, where can you vent? Also I accept any sympathy, ideas or stories on similar slumps you've had. I think I seriously need a spinster support group asap!

Away We Go

So I had hopes that moving to Southern California would give me a new and interesting social scene, alas that hasn't been the case. In fact I haven't been able to make any new friends to hang out with aside from my roommate and she is out of town this week. I have the week to myself and there is only so many phone calls you can make, so much tv you can watch, so much reading and internet surfing you can do before you start to go crazy from lack of social in-person human interaction! Bah, I forgot how hard moving to a new place can be, especially to a suburban area with mostly families. And it's not like I haven't been trying, I've gone to several small (very small) activities of a newly formed midsingles group in the area and I even went to a large midsingles conference about an hour away(that may deserve its own post). It makes me miss Salt Lake and my midsingle's ward out there so much.

Ah but before you feel too sorry for me there is some light at the end of the tunnel. I'm moving-again! My job is transferring me up to their headquarters in Northern California and I am more than excited --not to pack up all my stuff and haul it all the way across the state, but just for another chance to have a life. I've found LDS roommates who seem fun and social and seem to be in the know about the scene up there. I even have an old friend who lives in the area with her family so I won't be alone anymore. Wish me luck!

All by Myself?

Hello there! Yes I am a delinquent blogger. In my defense work has been very busy, ah, but on to other issues.

Do you ever have one of those weeks where it feels like all the single girls you know are getting married or dating someone and you feel left in the dust? Yeah it's been one of those weeks-or maybe I should say two weeks, in which I've learned two of my friends are engaged and three others have just started dating someone. Bah! I mean, so happy for them...but why am I always the bridesmaid never the bride (btw I'm not doing the bridesmaid thing anyone and I am so over the bouquet toss).

In an effort to console myself I made a list of all of my friends, former roomates, etc. that are not married or dating anyone. The list totals to 30 girls, a fine group of ladies that I don't mind being a part of. Spinster unite! And yes I do feel better now :)

Dilemma

Well I've been out here for a whole month! I love it mostly, but it's actually a lot harder than I thought it would be. First off I don't really know anyone but my roommate in the area. Which leads me to the question I've been asking myself for over a week. If you are no longer in a singles' ward and there are not a lot of LDS singles your age in the area, how do you make friends or meet guys?

Am I going to have to start online dating? Because I've been trying to avoid that for years! Am I going to have to look for platonic friends on Craigslist? Going to a bar is not really an option. I'm really kind of isolated, because my roommate, although awesome, is older than me and works nights and at work I don't have many co-workers.

On Saturday, in an effort to meet people, I went to a LDS 31+ singles dance an hour away all by myself. It was a big group of people but I was in all honesty the youngest person there. There were folks there in their 70's! Bah, I love spending time with people older than me, just not at a dance where I am supposed to be meeting people to date. It was strange. But I did meet a few girls and one guy that were around my age and that was good, but they all live far away from me. Oh well at least I tried, right?

The New Me

Good news, I will no longer be Spinster in the City anymore!---Haha, No I'm not getting married, but I am moving, so instead of being Spinster in Salt Lake City I will be a spinster in another place! I'm moving to the LA area for a great job and I couldn't be happier. I'm excited by all my new possiblities (including a new dating pool!). So things are really looking up for me, wish me luck! (Oh and I'll continue to write because, of course, you will want to hear about all my new spinster adventures in Lala land.)

Valentimes...

Happy belated Valentine's Day! Some single people have a hard time with this couple-centric holiday, but I really don't. Of course there does come an oversaturation point where you've seen enough hearts, candies and pink and red to make you puke, but I don't really mind not having a Valentine. Maybe because I never have had a boyfriend on that day I don't know what I'm missing, but to me the Christmas season is much much harder. What do you think?

P.S. enjoy this video from Homestarrunner, "Valentime's is Serious Times," (beware it is very strange and silly, but hilarious). www.homestarrunner.com/tgs12.html

Until the Real Thing Comes Along

So I have seriously been considering ending this blog. I thought maybe it had run its course and that I had said all I needed to say, but maybe I haven't. I know the key to keeping a blog going is posting often and I am so bad at that, but I can't seem to give up Spinster in the City, so I'm going to start writing again and more often. I'm updating the page and format as well. Lucky you!

A lot has happened in the last 3 months and yet not much has happened either. I'm still at the same job in the same city in the same house and still looking for a full-time job. But I will say I have been dating more-alot for me. I've kind of been putting myself out there--I even went speed dating, for the first time in my life! But the guys I've been dating have been, even for me, something akin to dating the "comic book guy" above. I don't want to sound proud or anything, but I feel like I could do better. They were quite a bit older than me, had kids, were not good looking and were kinda boring, but I was willing to give them a chance, because it wasn't like I was dating anyone else and shouldn't we give everyone at least a chance? Because what if we are being too picky? And you know what conclusion I am coming to-no, you don't have to give everyone a shot. If your gut says no, go with you gut!

As single women over a certain age do we begin to settle for men far beneath us? A case in point, two new girl friends in my mid-singles ward are both smart, pretty, fun, with it and both in their mid-thirties. Maybe it's because of this last fact they feel like they need to broaden their horizons or just that the pickings are slim at that age and in our ward, but one of these girls pointed out to me a guy in Sunday School who she said she really liked. Apparently they had even gone out on a date because she had clued him in that she was interested, but he had never asked her out again! I was shocked he hadn't asked someone like her out again and I was even more shocked she was interested in the first place, he doesn't seem entirely "with it" and I had noticed before was quite socially awkward. The other girl had made it clear to another guy 12 years older than her, that she was interested. They went out once or twice and that was the end of it, but she still had a little thing for him. Huh?

Now lets bring this back to me, because now I have a little crush on a guy in the ward I would not have really considered before, and yet he is not asking me out despite my attentions! What is wrong with these guys! And even more important why do we care?