Here's an update-So I've started attending the older single's ward with my roommate and the people are so so much more friendly than in my family ward. Many people have talked to me and introduced themselves, just the way people at church should. I just find it sad that a single person should be made to feel that the only way they can fit in is in a single's ward (at least in Utah). I call my new ward the Leper colony, not because the people there are in any way unwell, but because the community at large has forced us to associate only with ourselves and not with them. Which is really unfortunate, because single people really have a lot to offer a ward.
Anyway, please don't think that I let this subject consume me. I usually don't think about it until Saturday night when I realize that church is tomorrow. And this is a time of adjustment for me, so hopefully things will start to run more smoothly now. What I really wanted to do here is bring the subject to light and let my fellow spinsters know that, hey, I understand how you feel.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Where do all the lonely people go?
My new ward isn't getting any easier. I thought I was making progress because the ward clerk called me in for an interview with the bishop. I thought good maybe I can get to know the bishop a little and I will get a calling. Not so good. They called me as a family history consultant-the fourth or fifth time I've had that job. Don't get me wrong, I love genealogy, but this calling is not going to get me involved in the ward much. It's not a calling I can only do in a family ward. Also, it is a frustrating job because no one wants to do their family history and ward members will probably try to avoid me more than they already do!
We'll see how it goes, but I now can totally understand comments I've heard from spinsters who have become or have contemplated becoming inactive in church at this time in their lives. It's so hard to be a part of a family ward, when you aren't welcomed in, when you are seen as an outsider merely because of your marital status. Part of the reason for going to church is to become part of a community of saints, but if the community rejects you or doesn't understand you or even try to understand you, where do you go?
My roommate has recently started going to a mid-singles adult ward in Salt Lake. She told me today that some of the women she talked to there have said that if it wasn't for this ward they would have gone inactive. A sad but understandable fact. I attended this ward with my roommate once. It's a unique ward, as far as I know there are only about five of their kind in Utah. Personally I didn't like what I saw. The ward was huge-it almost felt like stake conference. I thought there is no way I can get to know even a third of these people. And as I turned around from my pew and looked at the sea of faces, all it seems I could see were women. And as it turns out there are three Relief Societies! It just didn't feel like the place of me, but now I am wondering if it is my best option if I don't want to cry every week after church. Hmm...
We'll see how it goes, but I now can totally understand comments I've heard from spinsters who have become or have contemplated becoming inactive in church at this time in their lives. It's so hard to be a part of a family ward, when you aren't welcomed in, when you are seen as an outsider merely because of your marital status. Part of the reason for going to church is to become part of a community of saints, but if the community rejects you or doesn't understand you or even try to understand you, where do you go?
My roommate has recently started going to a mid-singles adult ward in Salt Lake. She told me today that some of the women she talked to there have said that if it wasn't for this ward they would have gone inactive. A sad but understandable fact. I attended this ward with my roommate once. It's a unique ward, as far as I know there are only about five of their kind in Utah. Personally I didn't like what I saw. The ward was huge-it almost felt like stake conference. I thought there is no way I can get to know even a third of these people. And as I turned around from my pew and looked at the sea of faces, all it seems I could see were women. And as it turns out there are three Relief Societies! It just didn't feel like the place of me, but now I am wondering if it is my best option if I don't want to cry every week after church. Hmm...
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Only the Lonely
So I've finally made the switch to a family ward and I had no idea that the transition would be so hard. The worst part is sitting alone and not knowing anyone. I would have thought more people would introduce themselves or be outgoing. I should have been, but I really just don't feel like I fit in. I am pretty much the only person in the ward my age and in my situation.
Actually the other week in sacrament (the 3rd hour in this ward), I was sitting all alone, practically on my own pew, and I just couldn't take it. Tears started welling up in my eyes and I just had to get out of there. So I slowly walked out and feigned that I was headed to the restroom or to get a drink or something, but then I made for the parking lot and to my car where I just balled. I know it sounds silly and I'm usually not that emotional, but the weight of spinster loneliness just hit me. Isn't that the thing that spinsters abhor most about the idea of singleness-being alone, really truly alone? Or as Bridget Jones fears "and I'd finally die fat and alone and be found three weeks later, half-eaten by wild dogs."
Why I am so afraid of being alone? I'm rarely alone unless I want to be. I rarely feel lonely, it's really just the idea that I may in the future be very lonely that scares me. But that hasn't happen yet. Why do I spend my time worrying about something that may or may not happen? And it's not just single people that get lonely. I'm sure from time to time everyone has those feelings. I think it was just at the moment all my fears felt realized. I know that as I get to know people and get a calling things will be better. But when do I get to that point?
Actually the other week in sacrament (the 3rd hour in this ward), I was sitting all alone, practically on my own pew, and I just couldn't take it. Tears started welling up in my eyes and I just had to get out of there. So I slowly walked out and feigned that I was headed to the restroom or to get a drink or something, but then I made for the parking lot and to my car where I just balled. I know it sounds silly and I'm usually not that emotional, but the weight of spinster loneliness just hit me. Isn't that the thing that spinsters abhor most about the idea of singleness-being alone, really truly alone? Or as Bridget Jones fears "and I'd finally die fat and alone and be found three weeks later, half-eaten by wild dogs."
Why I am so afraid of being alone? I'm rarely alone unless I want to be. I rarely feel lonely, it's really just the idea that I may in the future be very lonely that scares me. But that hasn't happen yet. Why do I spend my time worrying about something that may or may not happen? And it's not just single people that get lonely. I'm sure from time to time everyone has those feelings. I think it was just at the moment all my fears felt realized. I know that as I get to know people and get a calling things will be better. But when do I get to that point?
Monday, May 18, 2009
Outta My League
"Miss Smith is a very good sort of girl; and I should be happy to see her respectably settled. I wish her extremely well: and, no doubt, there are men who might not object to—Every body has their level." -Mr. Elton (Jane Austen, Emma).
It seems to be true that in dating everybody does have their "level." And everyone determines their level by different yardsticks. Some people's level is dependant on looks, others on intelligence, others on wealth and social status, and maybe others on morals, but usually it is some combination of above. The concept has always seemed a bit brutal and narrow minded to me. Of course not everyone is going to be a match with us, but how many people do people we refuse to even consider because we think they are beneath us, usually before we even know them at all. I have been on both ends of this phenomenon-the refuser and the refusee, but mostly the refusee which doesn't feel one bit fair I can tell you.
I see some of my friends go on a lot of dates, but really in their mind they have decided that most of these guys don't have a chance and the first date is just a courtesy date. Sometimes I can only look on and think, 'Hey I wouldn't totally love to go out with that guy and I'd give him a chance!' But those guys didn't ask me out because maybe they assume I'm not at their level.
As an example, recently a guy in my ward that had just moved from Provo said to my roommate, "Do you feel you like you had to lower your standards when you came up to Salt Lake? There's just not many beautiful or amazing girls like there were at BYU." When she told me about his comments I wanted to scream! First of all if I were going to assign him a "level" it wouldn't be in the top tier, so why is he acting like any amazing, beautiful girl would trip over herself to date him and second there are many amazing AND beautiful girls in Salt Lake, but with some of them you might have to get to know just a little bit better to realize it. Really he is not doing himself any favors by judging the girls around here so harshly.
I really enjoyed ii eee's comments from my last post. She said,
"The guy I'm dating right now--it's only been two months, so who knows where it will end up (although I admit to being quite hopeful)--is someone that I NEVER would have dated like, 2 years ago even. I mean, I would have gone out with him once, but he and I are exact opposites."
I think this is so awesome and I hope the best for them. Now if I may turn to Austen yet again, her characters Mr. Darcy and Miss Bennett didn't think much of each other when they first met. Mr. Darcy said of Miss Elizabeth Bennett-"She is tolerable, but not handsome enough to tempt me; I am in no humour at present to give consequence to young ladies who are slighted by other men." Elizabeth didn't think much of him either, but by the end of course they were madly in love and married. I think that is why Pride and Prejudice is the perfect title for their story and also the perfect description for the whole dating process. We are all proud and all prejudice in our own ways and it is only when we set aside these attributes that we have a chance of being happy and finding true love. Would anyone else agree?
It seems to be true that in dating everybody does have their "level." And everyone determines their level by different yardsticks. Some people's level is dependant on looks, others on intelligence, others on wealth and social status, and maybe others on morals, but usually it is some combination of above. The concept has always seemed a bit brutal and narrow minded to me. Of course not everyone is going to be a match with us, but how many people do people we refuse to even consider because we think they are beneath us, usually before we even know them at all. I have been on both ends of this phenomenon-the refuser and the refusee, but mostly the refusee which doesn't feel one bit fair I can tell you.
I see some of my friends go on a lot of dates, but really in their mind they have decided that most of these guys don't have a chance and the first date is just a courtesy date. Sometimes I can only look on and think, 'Hey I wouldn't totally love to go out with that guy and I'd give him a chance!' But those guys didn't ask me out because maybe they assume I'm not at their level.
As an example, recently a guy in my ward that had just moved from Provo said to my roommate, "Do you feel you like you had to lower your standards when you came up to Salt Lake? There's just not many beautiful or amazing girls like there were at BYU." When she told me about his comments I wanted to scream! First of all if I were going to assign him a "level" it wouldn't be in the top tier, so why is he acting like any amazing, beautiful girl would trip over herself to date him and second there are many amazing AND beautiful girls in Salt Lake, but with some of them you might have to get to know just a little bit better to realize it. Really he is not doing himself any favors by judging the girls around here so harshly.
I really enjoyed ii eee's comments from my last post. She said,
"The guy I'm dating right now--it's only been two months, so who knows where it will end up (although I admit to being quite hopeful)--is someone that I NEVER would have dated like, 2 years ago even. I mean, I would have gone out with him once, but he and I are exact opposites."
I think this is so awesome and I hope the best for them. Now if I may turn to Austen yet again, her characters Mr. Darcy and Miss Bennett didn't think much of each other when they first met. Mr. Darcy said of Miss Elizabeth Bennett-"She is tolerable, but not handsome enough to tempt me; I am in no humour at present to give consequence to young ladies who are slighted by other men." Elizabeth didn't think much of him either, but by the end of course they were madly in love and married. I think that is why Pride and Prejudice is the perfect title for their story and also the perfect description for the whole dating process. We are all proud and all prejudice in our own ways and it is only when we set aside these attributes that we have a chance of being happy and finding true love. Would anyone else agree?
Never too late?
Well this just throws the "timeline" out the window.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2009/may/16/66-year-old-mother
http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2009/may/16/66-year-old-mother
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Destined to Spinst
Spinst can that be the verb form of Spinster? Anyway, the question that I have been asking myself for awhile is-was I born to be a spinster? Some people say that they always felt that they would never marry or marry late in life. I never felt that when I was younger, but sometimes I wonder if I just fit the spinster stereotype a little too well. First off I work in a library. So I'm a librarian of sorts. I can just see Donna Reed walking out of the library in glasses and frumpy clothes in It's a Wonderful Life, when Jimmy Stewart sees how his wife would have ended up without him. Why do so many people picture a librarian when they think spinster?
Also I like to garden and do genealogy-(maybe that just sounds like a retiree, I don't know). And I do like cardigans. What does this say about me? Plus maybe I am a tad frumpy and a little round around the edges, but I don't wear glasses. I wear contacts. And I never wear a bun in my hair. I also don't own any cats. So no one can call me a crazy cat lady, but sheesh it's still not very comforting. I've accepted my Spinsterhood to an extent, but I would like to think it was a choice not my destiny!
Also I like to garden and do genealogy-(maybe that just sounds like a retiree, I don't know). And I do like cardigans. What does this say about me? Plus maybe I am a tad frumpy and a little round around the edges, but I don't wear glasses. I wear contacts. And I never wear a bun in my hair. I also don't own any cats. So no one can call me a crazy cat lady, but sheesh it's still not very comforting. I've accepted my Spinsterhood to an extent, but I would like to think it was a choice not my destiny!
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Oh Blog!
So do you ever get bummed out reading some people's blogs? I do. Some blogs are the equivalent of a Christmas newletter. They relate only the best things about a person or family's life and make it look perfect or at least better than yours. Everyone seems accomplished and happy and good looking. And the worst of these kinds of blogs are the ones from people your own age or even younger, people you went to high school with or even people your siblings' age.
Recently an old friend from high school added me as a friend on facebook. Fine. Good. Then I happened to see she had a blog posted on her profile so I went to it. It was an alright blog. She had a cute family- two little kids. It made me feel a wee bit envious, but happy for her. Then I saw a link on her blogroll to a blog that linked toother blogs from people that graduated the same year I did. This was a mistake, because as I perused through blog after blog of my peers with pictures and stories of their spouses, and kids, and homes, and great jobs, etc. ad nauseum, I got nauseated. Yet I couldn't stop looking at them. I felt like in comparison, my life couldn't compare. It was like, "look at everything you missed and can never have."
I will admit that it wasn't totally logical thinking, but the raw emotion of it overwhelmed me-a moment of spinster weakness perhaps. It's hard to see people you grew up with and not compare yourself to them. Oh course they have struggles and problems and maybe I wouldn't want to trade places with them, but from now on I'm taking those kind of blogs in smaller doses. It's safer that way. Does anyone have any similar experiences?
Recently an old friend from high school added me as a friend on facebook. Fine. Good. Then I happened to see she had a blog posted on her profile so I went to it. It was an alright blog. She had a cute family- two little kids. It made me feel a wee bit envious, but happy for her. Then I saw a link on her blogroll to a blog that linked toother blogs from people that graduated the same year I did. This was a mistake, because as I perused through blog after blog of my peers with pictures and stories of their spouses, and kids, and homes, and great jobs, etc. ad nauseum, I got nauseated. Yet I couldn't stop looking at them. I felt like in comparison, my life couldn't compare. It was like, "look at everything you missed and can never have."
I will admit that it wasn't totally logical thinking, but the raw emotion of it overwhelmed me-a moment of spinster weakness perhaps. It's hard to see people you grew up with and not compare yourself to them. Oh course they have struggles and problems and maybe I wouldn't want to trade places with them, but from now on I'm taking those kind of blogs in smaller doses. It's safer that way. Does anyone have any similar experiences?
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