I hope no one is too devasted that I haven't posted in a week. I was sucked into season one of Heroes, which took up most of my free time. But now I'm back and I have an important question: Do parent's think that because you're not married they have more say over your life then they do over your married siblings, regardless of your age? Does it mean they can be huge buttinski's and "accidently" open your mail that happens to arrive at their house and "accidentally" read it and then confront you about whatever they find? I guess that's what my parent's think. Not that my mail was scandalous (too bad) in any way, but it would be nice to get a little privacy!
This is definitely one of the cons to being a spinster, parents still treat you like you're 16. I think that if I was married and had kids and a house then they might see me as more of an adult. (If I had my own house at least I could have my mail delivered there instead of using my parent's house as my permanent address.) Well perhaps I am wrong, maybe all parents try to control their children regardless of marital status. I'm not sure, I'll have to see what my married sister has to say.
But that leads me into another subject, Parents' views on their daughter's spinsterhoods. I would really like to hear what y'all's parents say to you about marriage and such. Do they try to set you up on dates, or say things to you like, "Don't worry you'll find someone soon", or talk about your future children as if they are sure that you will provide grandchildren to them in the near future? My parent's don't do any of that. I'm pretty sure they have always believed that I would end up a spinster! Why? Do I have a huge 'S' emblazened on my chest like the scarlet letter? "Beware the Spinster!" (oh I like that, maybe I'll make that my title). I really never talk to them about it either. I think I'm afraid my fears will be confirmed and that my parent's will say "give up, it's no use."
Or maybe I don't want to talk about it, because deep down maybe I'm ashamed to be a single, LDS woman over the "legal" marrying limit by Mormon standards. This is sad, very sad to me that there could be some truth to this statement. This shame is the byproduct of having such a heavy, heavy focus on families and marriage in our society. If you don't marry than you feel like you've failed because that was your "mission" in life. What in the heck do you do now? Biology is even against the spinster too, trying to make us feel guilty for not propagating the species, by programming woman with this "biological clock" thing.
Well I want to explore some of these issues further, possibly sometime when I'm not in such a ranting and raving mood. So please post and give me your thoughts. Also stay tuned I may soon be posting a spinster comic strip, that is in the works, and not, thankfully, drawn by me!
9 comments:
Oh wowser! You're bringing up so many spinsterhood topics! Where to begin?
First of all, I will say I'm curious about how old you are. I'm not asking, just saying I'm curious.
My parents talk about when I get married this, and when I get married that. Although I think they were personally shocked when I was still unmarried by 23. Then 24, etc. I'm not treated like I'm 16, but they still spoil me to death, and I remain financially dependent on them. (Which I think they don't believe I could ever be financially independent -this is where the "when you get married"s come in.)
But even if I don't marry in this life, I feel though that I have other missions to carry out, not just a marriage and family mission. And for that, I am grateful.
I think my parents sometimes worry about my future more than with my siblings who are all married. And there was a time where I felt that they thought I was far too weird to ever find a husband. However, the older I get, the more they seem to understand me.
Let's just hope I can find me an LDS man who can understand me as well.
It'll be a miracle, I tell you.
Thanks for your comments. I always look forward to them. My age, let's just say I'm too old to be young and to young to be old. You know that lovely in-between stage. But I will say this I'm still in a YSA ward. I have a whole post planned that will talk about age and giving away our ages, etc.
It's good to hear that your parents are understanding you more. I think I have a better relationship with my parents than I did when I was younger, but sometimes they still drive me nuts. I have to say I still do rely on them for some financial help, especially now that I'm back in school. I wonder how are relationship would change if I no longer had to rely on them financially at all.
And ditto, it be a miracle if I find an LDS man that "gets" me. Good thing we believe in miracles!
Before I comment, I'm going to be honest here and say that I'm not a spinster. I've been married for almost eleven years. I am, however, very interested in the "spinster" perspective as I know several fantastic women who would classify themselves as such.
As for parents treating their married vs. unmarried daughters differently, I don't really know. I think it depends on the parents. Mine are quite good at minding their own business, but I do know they give more advice to my unmarried sister than to me. They try not to, but they also see her more than they see me. She is very good at setting boundaries, though, and I think my parents are good at respecting them. I'd like her to comment, though, since she would know better than I do.
I love your new banner and avatar, by the way. :)
I turn 27 this March, however at the turn of this year I decided to stop going to YSA wards. (I think I mentioned my feelings about this before, I can't entirely remember.)
I love my new ward! I really think having children around -albeit, some of them screaming children -helps bring in the Spirit. I've only been going to the ward for three weeks now, and I have felt the Spirit quite strongly in all three meetings. And it's not as though the talks or the lessons are anything spectacular.
With all the pressures being lifted away, I also think I am more open to feeling the Spirit as well. I was beginning to have major social anxiety when I went to YSA wards, that it was pointless to even go to church. Turnover is so high in YSA wards, that church almost constantly feels like a first date -you're trying so hard all the time to look as best as possible, going out of your way to make a good impression, only to come home and look in the mirror to see you've had a big piece of spinach stuck in your teeth the entire time. And NO ONE TOLD YOU ABOUT IT.
I think YSA wards don't "work" anymore, because we're all trying too hard. Desperation is never a good thing.
kimberly, thanks for your comments. I appreciate getting your perspective on things. I hope your sister does make a comment about how she views the parent situation.
ii eee, thanks for your comments I think I'll write a post on single vs. family wards. It is so true going to a single ward does feel like going to a first date in so many ways. I applaud you for making the switch.
I'm glad you like the new banner. I thought I needed to spice up my template, hopefully even more changes to come. And of course the avatar isn't me, I wish.
So here I am, Kimberly's unmarried sister witha comment. I do see our parents more than her, so I think they feel they can offer suggestions more often. I have had to set up boundaries, and ironically, the more I set up those boundaries to keep them from prying and the more they respect them, the more I have felt open to sharing my life with them.
I remember saying many times as a strong and indpendent adolescent that I never felt I would marry. I wasn't disappointed about it, but I just didn't see it in the cards. My parents would always laugh it off and tell me I was too beautiful or intelligent to be passed over (how nice!). Now that I'm an adult, they do tell me more often how pleased they are that I am strong and independent. Apparently those qualities are more appealing in a woman rather than a teen;)
However, I don't think I would have had such supportive parents if they didn't know and love so many incredibly talented and successful spinsters that were a big part of my life. So to all you trailblazing spinsters, Kudos.
Hey Jenn,
thanks for the comments. What kind of boundaries did you set up for your parents? I should do something like that with mine.
You never told me that when you were younger that you thought you wouldn't marry. I guess being beautiful and intelligent really doesn't have much to do with whether you'll marry or not. I mean look at me! ;) Hahaha. Someone the other day said I wasn't married, because I was too smart. I didn't have any guys on my level. I don't think that's quite true, but it made me really laugh, which is always appreciated.
iieee,
Your comments were interesting. I don't know if I buy that men aren't growing up because of super-feminism. I think they're not growing up because society isn't making them. They don't have to. Their parents are enabling them, as are women and the media/ consumerism. But it is true we shouldn't say that media and society doesn't have a similar effect on them that it has on women. We know women's self esteem is lowered by the setting of an unrealistic physical standard. Men's self esteem is probably lowered by a setting a standard of the unattainable-successful guys should be rich, high powered with a gorgeous super model girlfriend that's not too smart. I don't understand why successful just can't mean having a job that's enough to support your family and having a spouse that is a good person that you love, not some superwoman or cookie cutter wife.
So what is my conclusion, I don't know. Should we feel sorry for dudes or cut them some slack or try to make them see the error in their ways or just set a good example of what successful really is? I just think there's too much pressure to have it all instead of living a good, simple life-alas.
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